special introductory
paragraph!
Born Suspect
Roll With The New
Bigger & Blacker
Never Scared
Chris Rock is an African-American
comic that you may know from Saturday Night Live or some movies. I had
intended on writing something here about the World Trade Center terrorist
attack, since it had a rather dramatic effect on me, being as how I was
witnessing it first-hand in my hometown Manhattan as it occurred, but I
can't do it. It is only four days after the attack, and my mind is still
twisted in knots. It is the only thing in the world. 5000 missing,
presumed dead. The air smells like smoke and death as high up as midtown.
There are flyers covering telephones on every block, featuring pictures of
the missing, posted by their survivors. 1010 WINS-AM has been covering it
nonstop since it happened, every 20 minutes playing this dreadfully
tasteless "dramatic piano music" with interview samples, to remind us that
this is, in fact, "drama" and not a "comedy." Without the music, we would
never know. I can't concentrate on anything, but neither can anybody else.
It was one hell of a perfect attack. Now I understand the term "terrorism."
My brain is filled with terror. There have been more than 90 false bomb
threats called in every day since Tuesday. It takes forever to get anywhere
because the subways are barely moving and the traffic is dense. Everybody
still looks up to the skies whenever a plane is heard. While it was
happening, FYI, we all thought we were going to die. Nobody knew how many
planes they had; all we knew is that we were in an office building one block
from the Empire State Building. We're still keeping a neighbor's dog
because she can't get home from Colorado. She was due back Tuesday night.
The buildings were enormous and full of people - now those people are dead.
I worked a temp job on the 104th floor of one of the buildings right when I
started my web site. It was so high in the air, my ears popped horribly in
the elevator every morning. It is impossible to replace thoughts of this
violent, horrific death with anything else. Espcially stupid record
reviews. Sometimes I think I may have lost my mind, but then I speak to
somebody else and realize that everybody in the city feels this way. It's
impossible not to - the images were too vicious and unbelievable. I feel
like it will never be over.
His debut gets off to a really slow start, at
least for me personally, because he tells a bunch of jokes that seem
specifically geared towards black people, which I am not. Stuff like "hair
weaves" and "color contacts" and stuff -- but once it gets going, he really
does have some great bits strewn throughout. Sometimes his bits don't
really go anywhere, and he has a bad habit of laughing at his own jokes, but
I guess you could say that about any comedian if you'd like. A lot of his
gags are of the "white people are like this, but black people are like this"
variety, but not in any sort of racist way. He makes fun of his own race
(especially crack-smoking DC mayor Marion Barry) every bit as much as he
makes fun of Whitey. The CD is mostly a stand up act, but also includes
two comedy rap tunes, neither of which even approaches being entertaining.
You can tell that this is early in his career, as his delivery falters and
stumbles every once in a while, but again, a lot of the jokes are really,
really laugh-out-loud funny (my favorites are "Blacks Aren't Crazy" and
"Driving Too Slow" - holy good god, are those funny routines). I don't want
to ruin it by giving away any of the funny jokes, so instead I'll give you
one of the lousy jokes, so you'll understand why I can only give the CD a 6
-- "In Rocky IV, two white guys compete for the heavyweight championship.
Man, that Spielberg is something else!"
Six years later, Chris returned with a hugely
popular HBO special, much of which is featured on this disc, including his
most famous piece ever, "Niggas Vs. Black People." His point? "I HATE
NIGGAZ!" It has been argued that this joke is so successful because white
people love the idea of a black guy trashing all of the aspects that WE hate
in blacks. But it's not that -- it's that the piece is SOOOO FUCKING FUNNY.
He nails all of the ignorant "keep it real!" attitudes, violent reactions
and lazy greed that play such a large role in the continuation of
white-on-black racism. And yes, it is very heartening to hear that most
black people are as disgusted by this behavior as the rest of us, but really
it's just funny. It's controversial and it's funny. Well-written, smart
and humorous - like a joke should be! Actually, all of the standup
material on this one is hilarious, but unfortunately, he also includes a lot
of really wretched pre-written skits and unfunny songs. There's even a
Dickie Goodman-style "interview with OJ" cut-up track that is so bad, it
might as well be by Dickie Goodman. So 45 minutes of great standup, 25
minutes of unfunny SNL reject sketches and I'm starting to get really
depressed again. I'd better stop writing.
"How are you gonna tell kids not to get high when THE
MAYOR is on crack!"
I'm not too fond of this one. Seems like he's
trying to be more of a dirty party comic like Redd Foxx or Rudy Ray Moore
(including a parody of "Brown Sugar" called "White Bitches"), and making
jokes geared almost exclusively towards a black audience ("Black Mall,"
"Savion Glover," Roger & Zapp"). Maybe he's trying to get his street cred
back; I'm not sure. But most of it isn't very perceptive or entertaining.
Especially the Monica Lewinsky interview, which appears to be a Dickie
Goodman-style cutup track all created from like one song. D-U-M-B, I'm
accusing Chris Rock-E.
The rest of the material is ok, but this would be for someone who really liked
the last album. There is funny stuff here though. However, and this really
sucks, but the sound quality on the stand up is terrible. So funny but scratchy
quiet jokes, and then the army of unfunny performers that are neve funny. Not
funny on the Daily Show or SNL or this album, or anyplace ever.
So, 4 stars of funny material, and 6 stars of nothing.
So's I'm watching the old tellyboob this afternoon and see that they've condemned an 80-year-old to 20 years imprisonment for killing some Civil Rights workers in the '50s. An EIGHTY-year-old!? Couldn't somebody in the courtroom have just popped a balloon near his ear and saved us all the time and effort?
Thanks, that was my Jay Leno.
But we're not hear today to talk about Ol' Chinny. I know we all love the ol' Chinman, but we're here to discuss not Chinmaster Jenkins but the latest work of art by Saturday Night Live alumnus Chris Rock. Let me tell you something straight out. This guy is one funnyass motherfuckass funnyian. I played this disc about 60 times over the weekend. I was laughin', my wife was laughin' - in fact the only folks who WEREN'T laughin' were the people next door! Actually, they may have been laughin' too, but we have pretty thick walls so if they WERE laughin', we didn't hear them. To be fair, if we couldn't hear them laughin', chances are that they probably couldn't hear the CD to begin with, and would thus have nothing to laugh about in the first place. Unless they had purchased the CD on their own and were listening to it at the same time as my wife and I. Dammit, if I'd known they were going to do THAT, I would have suggested that we split the cost halfway and just buy ONE copy. Then we could either listen to it altogether as a group and laugh together or, alternately, one apartment could listen to it, then pass it to the other to listen to, and so on. That way, although we wouldn't all be laughing at the same time, we would at least all, at one point or another, laugh. Assuming they'd think it was funny. I sure did. Wife too. Henry The Dog didn't. I think Chris Rock's constant angry-toned yelling upsets him. He thinks Chris Rock is mad at him and yelling that he's a bad dog. But he's not a bad dog! He's a sweet little fuzzy man and I love him so much! I'm not gay though. Actually, this is kinda funny. Everyday when I get home from work, I sit on the couch and Henry The Dog comes over to welcome me, and he's all waggin' and everything, and I pet him and kiss him on the forehead, and he kisses me and lifts his paw up so that we can link our arms together like a Father and Dog should, and we look at each other affectionately and say, "Hello father!" "Hello son!" So anyway, about a week ago, while we were greeting each other after a long day apart, I noticed that a little bit of his pink thing was poking out of his you-know-where. So, for absolutely no reason at all, I went, "Hey!" and used my finger to jokingly poke at the shaft of his you-know-where. Not the pink part - the shaft. Just a quick "I'm laughing at you" poke. And hooeee, you should have seen Henry's face! His smile disappeared and he looked at me with this dead serious "That was inappropriate" look. I quickly apologized and acknowledged that it had been inappropriate. But what about HIM!?? Isn't HE the guy who always tries to jump on the couch whenever my wife and I are engaged in marital relations? How appropriate is THAT!? Incidentally, we adopted Henry The Dog before we were married, which makes him a bastard AND a son of a bitch. Just like the Vice President!
On this, his fourth and finest CD, Chrissy Rock discusses such adult-themed matters as fatherhood, white people, marriage, rap music, the Jacksons, black people, wealth, affirmative action and the wily ways of women. In between his concert footage can be found several skits written and performed with his friends in the studio. And if you're REALLY lucky, your copy will include a DVD showing behind-the-scenes footage of this skit creation activity. "What a gas!" exclaim industry wags.
Hang on one second. I just got an email from Sideswiping J. Sunbeam. Hmm, apparently he's got his own OEM software download stock shop! Man, that's fantastic. And look at those deals! Corel Draw Graphics Suite 11 for only $59.95? Shit, I can hardly take a DUMP for $59.95 these days! Oh hang on one sec. Just got an email from Shower H. Ideograms. Hmm, apparently I can get Cialis SoftTabs without a doctor visit - and save 70%! Wow! Thanks, Shower! "be removed now!"? Not on your LIFE!
Chris Rock is a smart man. He realizes things that we should all realize -- not just goofy observational humor, but just COMMON SENSE things that not enough people think about. Like the stupidity of deciding that you are either a Republican or a Democrat and then just naturally adopting your party's stance on every single issue that arises. As Chris puts it, "I'm a PERSON! I'm conservative about some things, and I'm liberal about some things. Crime? I'm conservative. Prostitution? I'm liberal!"
But what's his deal with repeating a 'theme statement' 40 or 50 times while 'riffing' on it? Maybe he just does this to keep our slow minds focused on his key messages, but it's ass-noticable and takes up too much of the CD (hours at a time). For example, "I'm not talking about rich - I'm talking about wealth." He must say that 45 times during the "Drugs, Donuts, and Wealth" portion of the CD. And "The government HATES rap music!" And "'Cuz it's alright - if it's all WHITE." And possibly others, it's hard to say without the transcript of his act here in my ass where most top comedians put it (not their transcripts though). But it's a funny as SHIT CD, although some of the parts aren't funny at all. But those parts are SHORT! And the funny parts? They're LONG! And his delivery? It's loud, rowdy, black, proud, rude, crude, filled with lots of funny voices and overall fantastic! His timing is impeccable, his confidence wide and large!
I hate to ruin comedy albums by giving away punchlines, but there are so many on here, I guess I can take the chance. Here are several chosen randomly for your enjoyment:
(on strippers who claim that they're only stripping to put themselves through college): "If there are so many strippers in college, how come I never got a smart lap dance? I never got a girl who sat on my lap and said, 'If I was you, I'd diversify my portfolio.'"
(on the police's failure to arrest murderers of rap stars): "They don't got no clues, they don't got no suspects, they don't fill out a police report when there's a dead rapper. They don't even have a chalk line; the cops just take a piss around the body!"
(on the latest Michael Jackson allegations): "ANOTHER KID!? Get the FUCK out of here! Yo, that's how much we love Michael. We love Michael so much, we let the first kid SLIDE. 'Like c'mon man, the man did 'Billie Jean.' Leave him alone.'"
(on Iraq being touted by the Bush administration as 'the most dangerous threat on the planet'): "If they're so dangerous, how come it only took two weeks to take over the whole fucking country? Shit, you couldn't take over Baltimore in two weeks!"
(on the distribution of wealth in the United States): "Now, don't get me wrong. It's not all white people's fault that black and brown people don't have any fuckin' wealth. Maybe -- now just MAYBE - maybe if we didn't spend all our money on rims, we might have something to invest!"
(on affirmative action): "I don't think I should get accepted to a school over a white person if I get a lower mark on a test. But if there's a tie? Fuck him! Shit, you had a 400-year head start, motherfucker!"
(on the tedium of going out with other married couples): "A bunch of men talkin' about barbecue grills and routes to work - 'Ya know, sometimes I take the highway, but if it's backed up, I've got some side streets I like to take that get me there in half the time.' 'Yeah! You should tell me about those. I-95 is clear someti-' SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
Also, his delivery is better than that of HTML text, so keep that in mind if you're not laughing very heartily at these rib-ticklers.
And yeah, some of the skits are stinkers ("Tip Your Hat To Whitey" has no jokes the FIRST time they do it, let alone the THIRD), but they're so short, just skip 'em and there's tons more here to laugh at. And be sure not to skip the hidden bonus track -- it's one of the funniest things on here! Why the hell would you hide your funniest bit past three minutes of empty space?! And no vagina jokes, this is serious.
No no, I said "NO vagina jokes."
Although I must admit, that was a pretty good vagina joke you came up with there. Do you mind if I use it in my epitaph?
just read the Never Scared review. some of your best, funniest, and dead-on-est yet.
(three minutes later)
for every great nigger athlete theres a million rich white people good luck with your professional career
My name is Denzil Morta and I am a great fan of Chris Rock!
I am sure that he gets endless e mails and cannot reply to all.I live in CapeTown South Africa.It is the most beautifull city in the world.Unfortunately due to propaganda a celebrity such as Chris will never visit our beatiful city. But that is all bull@@@###.
You will be safe!!
If you get this E- mail Chris, please consider coming over here.I know the producers and organisers may not get your required fee BUT, YOU WILL GET TO MEET A LIVING LEGEND!!!!
NELSON MANDELA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. Iknow he would like to meet a great ambassador like you and you cant tell me you wouldn't like to meet this great man!
please Chris if you get 2 read this e-mail consider it.Money cannot compare to meet the MAN!!!!!
NELSON MANDELA THE GREAT may not have long to live due to his age[Bless him 2 live for another 80 years}but please try 2 come.
I not a comedian but I always try 2 make people laugh, because if u smile the world smiles with you but if u frown, u R a man alone!!!!
I watched your HBO stand up comedy and all your work extensively.You will make anyone laugh.This world is so full of war and hate and competition, in the "rat race" of our daily lives we seldom get to smile and that is soooo sad!!! You my "Good Sir" have made me realise that life is not all about work.We need to take time out to laugh!!
Maybe my E- mail is getting too long for a man as busy as you, but one last thing.......
I am married for 2 years to the woman of my dreams.Between me and you she was taken. not married, but with a boyfriend.Well your words came to my mind when I saw her,{coupled with alcohol courage!!!}
Your words were- " The gateway to a woman's heart is thru her smile! "
I was brazen enough to ask her for a dance in front of her 7 foot boyfriend!!!
My exact words were,"Please may u do me the honour of this dance beautiful lady?"
As you know, woman always play hard 2 get especially in front of their boyfriends.
The most famous line from them is politely"I would love 2 dance but unfortunately my feet r sore!!"
With u as my role model saying don't give up, I countered that statement by saying.....
"I know ur feet r sore because u have been constantly running thru my mind!!!!!!!"
Well she started to laugh and I knew I had a chance.Today, she will be the mother of my children!
All because of you!
I made a special girl smile, but YOU make the world smile!!
Please come to Cape Town, South Africa and make us all smile!!
Regards
Denzil
Thanks.
I like this one, for some reason I just pulled it out the other day and gave it a listen. Its amazing to see how much better his delivery is now compared to this. You could play a drinking game with this CD, take a drink every time Chris says “n’ shit”, but don’t he says that at the end of nearly every sentence. That would be a lot of drinking.
for you to describe the connection between dad and chris rock in a negative
way---you must be lacking information on the subject...did you know that
dickie goodman is listed by both Billboard and the Guinness world records as
the top charting novelty artist of all time (17) top 100 singles? I was
honored to see that even a gen x comedian could be influenced by dad's work
considering dad died in 89 and his last charted record was in 82. chris rock
must have been a child. yet he was somehow exposed to dad's work. i wish i
could contact chris rock and get him to do more of the same and also give
credit to dad to help perpetuate his legacy.
This is Chris at his best here... the Marion Barry
routine is enough, but there's plenty more material to
back it up. Could do without a couple of filler
tracks, but still good times. 8/10
I'd definitly have to agree on this one. A few funny but barely audible bits
crammed in with a whole lot of unfunny skits. I mean GUTWRENCHINGLY unfunny
skits. I think I laughed at one of them, but not very much. I think the one
where he talks about his producer, and then a ton of vocal effects kick into a
standard dirty joke. The last track wasn't bad either, because it's a song.
Man you guys have no life and no sense of humor Chirs Rock Bigger and Blacker Was hilarious you guys need
to get a life and loosen up.
chris rock is a stupid nigger and always will be he needs to be executed
Chris rock is the funniest guy on the go... i mean, he can make me laugh til' i cry! nah, he's THE greatest... And i completely disagree with y'all trash'n him...
How the hell can fishinintheriver518 say that Chris rock should be executed, for what being here, I guess? Oh yeah and makin people laugh, I forgot the heinousness of that crime!
Agreed... this was better as an HBO special. Could do
without the skits. 6/10
I know why some people are so sensitive to his stand ups. It's because everything he says is true in the real world that we live in. I am a 24 year old white single mother who love to go out. I would watch every serious talk shows about mothers like me or the news but that's just so demanding in our world. I've always thought that Chris Rock is the funniest and realist commedian that exists. When he made jokes about moms like me in "Bigger and Blacker," I laughed, but at the same time realized that he is right and I'll admit it. You can't get your kid on and your groove on at the same time or they're gonna grow up and rob someone it 10 years. At first, it hurt my feelings and I honestly didn't want to watch the rest of his show. But finally I realized, he is not trying to insult people, but he is trying to wake us up in his own way. And his way works better than any other. He doesn't just make fun of me; he makes fun of everyone; whether you're black, white, fat, skinny, single, lonely, have kids, have no kids, have a good job, have a bad job, have no job, are the president, are handicapped, aren't handicapped, are bald, have a full head of black hair or if you have no problem at all: He tells it like it is. Those of you who actually get defensive are in denial. For anyone to call Chris a "nigger," you should be executed yourself. He's the one sitting on piles and piles of money laughing in your ignorant face right now, and I am more than happy for him and I'M A CRACKER! I wish that I could contact Chris Rock, because I think he is the most intelligent human being in the world. He's about everything that is real. I think that that is the reason why we all find him so funny, because we can all relate to him. I've never related to anyone else better than him. I know it's because he wasn't just born a "rich star." He knows exactly what it's like to be broke, to struggle, to be depressed, to get high, to not understand our messed up country, and to go through a real true relationship. Everytime that I watch his comedy, I laugh more than I ever could laugh at anything else. And it's just 100% that he makes more sense than anyone else I see on television or hear on the radio; while he makes fun of it at the same time. I think that Chris Rock is a pure genius. Even before watching "Head of State," I've told my family and friends that I think that Chris Rock would be the best president we could ever dream of. When I look at him, I don't see a "black dude or a nigger," but the most smartest man on earth. And for those of you with your insults, you're all jealous because you're not smart or funny and no one pays to see your "Cracker Racist Asses." If it weren't for ignorant duche-bags like yourselves, these jokes would never exist. But I'm smart enough to just logically know that they don't apply to me or any other white, brown, yellow, red, or anyone else who just looks at people as people. I don't mean to keep blabbing but I hate when I go out to Providence, RI and black people say to me, "Don't fuck with me because my black ass will fuck your little white ass up." That doesn't scare me and I think it's ignorant. That is one big hell of a reason why I fell in love with Chris Rock. I thought he was making white jokes because he was racist like that. But when he pointed out that there is a difference between black people and niggers, I realized that he is God. I've been thinking that for the longest time. I don't ever see black people as "black" unless they point it out to me all the time and make it seem as if they deserve special treatment. I treat everyone the same. America is so diverse now that like Chris says we don't have time to dice all you up into little groups. To tell you the truth, I hate British white people more than anything. They are the most annoying, caged up, snotty and stuck on themselves more than anyone. I'm just mainly trying to say that it's finally to the point now where 80% of us are just all Americans. I grew up in a town with one single black family about 14 years ago; And now, I'm just as common of a race as africans and spanish people and asians. All I see is people. If I go to the ghetto and people want to judge me as stuck up and white, than yeah, I might accidently say a racist slur because it's a defense against theirs. I finally realized when I had to spend 16 days in the state prison exactly what life is an who we are. I had never been in trouble and I spent my first night in my room in a bunk bed with 7 other black girls that appeared in my shelter mind as "gangster bitches." Even though I had been through so much and been in so many brawls, they honestly scared the shit out of me because I just assumed they hated whites because of what they had been put through back in the days. I had spent 3 days and 2 nights on a metal slab in a town jail with spiders and no shoes to kill them with and a metal toilet in front of a cameral in front of the police officers. It was for stupid shit, but they were trying to teach me a lesson, which thankfully did work. Anyways; my first night in prison, I finally got to take a shower, got medicine for the lump the police put on my head, got food, got p.j.'s and a mattress. So when I fell asleep, I went into a coma and snored louder than you can imagine. I woke up at 4 a.m. to all of my black roommates calling me "wannabe jailbird cracker bitch, let us sleep and go back to your mommy," as they were throwing everything at me, striking me in my head, right in my lump. Even though I had serious felony charges, not knowing that they were the ones in there for what they refered to as "weak shit," they acted as though I tried to go to jail to be "cool and thuggish or bad or hardcore." I was so tired and delusional, that I actually thought I was dreaming or hallucinating and just ignored them and fell back asleep. They kept trying to keep me awake, but since I thought I was dreaming I actually had the female balls to say, "shut the fuck up! I just got the shit kicked out of me my pigs, lost my apartment-job-boyfriend, got my money and jewelry thrown into a plastic bag, am starving to death because I refused to eat a greasy ham and cheese sandwich in court, have been stuck listening to prostitution episodes and most of all had to get my ass everything else searched for whatever! The lights all came on and the black girls all became "humans" just like me. They admitted that they just tried to scare new people because they were even more miserable or bored as me. Over the time that I was there, I felt as though I had become as close to them as my family. Even if they were there for stealing, I trusted them. Even though there were 100's of us locked up, when we were in lock down or the lights were shut off, all we had was each other. I never had ever thinked about thinking about any one of those girls as being black but just as being real. Because you don't know how to be real until you go through real shit! And I would just like Chris to know somehow that I think he is the most honest, realist and at the same time, funniest smartest person that exists and I think he would be a better president than any other fake-ass supposedly-never done any thing wrong- naive white guy that is only up for election because of his dumb status. What is this country going to do when some white American genius is just crazy and so pissed off because he's a wack-job and is secretly part of Al Queida, but loses to a black or any different type of average intelligent man because he's gotten high before. This country is going to screw itself because of it's standards and not it's reality. We are such a target for terrorism and that's because we've been doing the same exact shit and that is exactly how September 11, 2001 happened. We are so predictable. Everyone knows what we do every day and where we'll be and who may be the next leader. The Pentagon was really sad, but how dumb can the most intelligent and most armed country in the world be but to place the majority of their, weapons, army, special forces and all that matters into one single building! Why would we place all of our financial shit into the tallest builing that our country owns. And yet my biggest question of all, we go through so much security to protect and secure our president; but why do we put our most valued person of the country in the same builing all of the time? We need to keep it changing and guessing and safe and think about America; not the White House's archtectural structure ( if I spelt that right). That's it. I need to stop blabbing. I hope someone at least read this and actually takes thought to it. And if you can get this to Chris Rock, I would greatly appreciate it because I don't think he actually realizes just how incredibly smart he is.
You look real old on TV, and Ive heard all your shit, Your a fucking racist, You make me want to vomit, The way you treated MC hammer on HBO really stunk, you fucking skunk,drop dead!!you must have a little bitty dick to be so rude, prick!!
hey prindle
chris rock is the reason i hate all blacks and the reason whites dont hire those mother fuckers. keep up the good work nigger. rock
Hey the dude named trey needs to shut the fuck up before someone kicks his ass
i think chirs eock is the most funnyist nigger out there in the bussiness and thats why we the black people like him and my freinds are white and they like him to and some things he says do make sense
CHRIS ROCK..KEEPIN IT REAL...WELL DONE PAL.LOOK FORWARD TO VIEWING MORE OF THE GOOD WORK..EFFORT MATE..
Hello,
I haven’t actually heard this CD, I saw the last HBO special which sounds like it has some of the same material. I just had to say that the Chris Rock section has the most entertaining group of comments I’ve seen on your site. I respect that you posted the blatantly racist comments just to let people show how stupid they are. Is nealryan1 mad at Chris Rock or You? He makes it sound like you were on HBO putting down MC Hammer. Oh and Denzil is the best!
I thought this was a message board. Anyway, I feel strongly about something and I need to vent so here I go. My husband and I watched Never Scared last night on HBO. Chris Rock can be funny at times, but frankly he comes across to us as a racist. He would be much more enjoyable if he would shut up about things most of us had nothing to do with. We live in Birmingham Alabama, and he has oviously never been here. Black people do very well here. My husband's boss is black. I was very disappointed in his show. I don't admire him one single bit. His wife will be so much better off without him.
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