If you're a mum, chances are that at some point you've been criticised or shamed for one - or more - of your parenting choices. Whether it's breastfeeding for "too long" or not long enough, co-sleeping or letting your toddler eat chicken nuggets (the horror!), being on the receiving end of hurtful judgement is par for the course of modern motherhood.
And that's why the results of a new survey on "mum shaming" are sadly not at all surprising.
According to a poll of 457 US mothers, conducted by C.S Mott Children's Hospital at The University of Michigan, two-thirds of mums reported being criticised about an aspect of their parenting. And here's the worst part: the judgement came primarily from a mum's own family, including their spouse, in-laws and their parents.
"Our findings tap into the tensions mums face when parenting advice leads to more stress than reassurance and makes them feel more criticised than supported," said poll co-director, Sarah Clark, in a statement.
"Mothers can get overwhelmed by so many conflicting views on the 'best' way to raise a child," she explained. "Unsolicited advice - especially from the people closest to her child - can be perceived as meaning she's not doing a good job as a mother. That can be hurtful."
Along with copping criticism from loved ones, surveyed mums, (who had children aged 0-5 years), also faced judgement from their friends (14 per cent), other mums when out and about in public (12 per cent), commenters on social media (7 per cent), from their child's health care provider (8 per cent), and from childcare workers (6 per cent).
Image/C.S. Mott Children's Hospital
And the topics of contention will surprise precisely no one.
Mums felt most criticised about their methods of discipline (70 per cent), followed by their children's diet (52 per cent), sleep habits (46 per cent) and whether they breast or bottle-fed (39 per cent)
"Discipline, the most commonly criticised parenting topic, is rife with opposing views, such as spanking vs time-outs, or strict adherence to rules versus allowing space for the child to explore," the researchers note. "Further conflict can arise when those criticising have unrealistic expectations for a toddler or preschooler, while the mother feels she has a better understanding of her own child's abilities."
The findings also highlight the complex feelings mothers experience - and the actions they take - when they've been shamed for their parenting. While criticism strengthens the resolve of some mums, (67 per cent said it made them feel more strongly about their parenting choices), for others, it left them feeling unsure about their decisions - and prompted them to search for further information. 37 per cent even changed how they parented after receiving unwarranted advice.
For 56 per cent of mums, being shamed for their parenting made them think about their own behaviour, causing them to stop being critical of other mothers. And for half of mums, unwanted criticism resulted in ceasing contact with the worst offenders.
"It's unfortunate when a mother feels criticised to the point where she limits the amount of time she and her child will spend with a family member or friend," Ms Clark said. "To guard against that situation, advice to mothers of young children should be given with empathy and encouragement."
Relatives should also be mindful of the fact that parenting practices, and expert advice, changes as new research comes to hand.
"Family members should be willing to acknowledge that mothers of young children may have more up-to-date information about child health and safety," the researchers note, "and "what we used to do" may not be the best advice for today."
