On the weekend of Mother's Day last year, while shivering through my son's Auskick game, a girlfriend and I were lamenting how quickly our boys were growing up and how soon enough they wouldn't want us hanging around on the sidelines.
We agreed that we loved seeing their independence grow, but that we were struggling with the notion of them eventually moving away, both physically and emotionally.
But all that changed the next morning when I was included in a group text with my mother-in-law and her two sons – one of them my husband. She was texting to ask what her boys would like for lunch on Mother's Day when we were scheduled to meet at her place.
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Let me repeat that. What would THEY like to eat on MOTHER'S Day. Are you freaking kidding me?
And even worse: they both actually replied with their particular requests.
At this point, it became very clear to me that I do not want to mother my children forever.
I am happy to be a support, a listening ear, a babysitter to their children, a sounding board and an adviser. I am happy to be, and am sure I will delight in being, a mother to them. But not mother-ing them.
To me, Mother's Day should be about your kids showing off the skills and values you have instilled in them. It's like an exam they have to sit. Forgot Mother's Day? Bom Bom. Go directly to the naughty corner.
It's the one day of the year where you should be cramming the weeks beforehand on showing gratitude, polishing up on your charm and basically doing everything right. For ONE day.
(Disclaimer: I'm making assumptions here based on you having a fairly standard, loving mother-child relationship. If your mum neglected, belittled or physically hurt you, then you have the right to buy yourself cake on Mother's Day and eat the whole lot yourself.)
So, to my children, I give you my minimum standards for Mother's Day. It is how I expect to be treated. I will take no less.
It's the one day of the year where you should be cramming the weeks beforehand on showing gratitude, polishing up on your charm and basically doing everything right.
1. Do not ask me to plan anything about the day. NOTHING. I want a rest from planning and organising. I don't care what we end up doing. If you have put thought and some consideration into it, then I will love it because of that.
2. Have a plan. It doesn't need to be detailed. But it needs to show you have thought about the day. A walk to the beach. A coffee together at home. But don't just walk in with flowers from the servo and wait for me to put the kettle on.
3. Don't turn up empty-handed. I don't need anything flashy. Give me herbs from your own garden because you know I love to cook. Bring me a box of teabags from Woolies because you know I'm always running out and I hate to be without tea. Give me an hour of your time to play Scrabble because we haven't done that since last Mother's Day. But give me something that shows you know me.
4. Communicate. Talk to your sibling/s beforehand. Don't show up on Mother's Day and ask if I know if your brother/sister will be dropping in. Nothing makes a mother happier than knowing that her children have managed to do something together, for her. That in itself is a present.
5. If ever I send you a text asking what you would like ME to make YOU for Mother's Day lunch, you'd better know it's a test. And God help you if you reply with a lunch order.
Kelly Cooper is a writer and mother who advocates for women's issues.