Recently in Willies Category

• China: Man's penis stolen in his sleep—Digital Spy, 25th July 2012
• England: Manchester uni puts faith in praying booth—The Guardian, 26th July 2012. May I suggest that studying is a far more effective technique?
• India: Couple, accused of witchcraft, forced to consume human waste—The Hindu, 21st July 2012
• India: Woman suspected of witchcraft hacked to death in Vizianagram—Times of India, 21st July 2012
• India: Row over witchcraft may have killed 12-year-old: Police—Times of India, 22nd July 2012
• Kenya: Elderly couple rescued from Bamburi mob—The Star, 25th July 2012. An elderly couple in Bamburi was on Sunday evening rescued by police from a lynch mob who accused them of practising witchcraft.
• Malawi: Malawi court fines 3 men for planting ‘magic landmine’: Witchcraft—Nyasa Times, 22nd July 2012. Their crime seems to have been wasting their own time on pointless woo.
• Nepal: Nepal to crack down on witchcraft accusations—Khabar South Asia, 25th July 2012
• Scotland: Glasgow’s archbishop-elect links MP’s death to gay lifestyle—The Scotsman, 25th July 2012. The new Archbishop is a homophobic cunt for whom a penis-shaped hat is appropriate.
• United States: Court rejects abuse case based on repressed memory—WSOC TV, 25th July 2012. Interestingly, this is a clergy abuse case against a cleric who was defrocked for child abuse some time ago. There is no dispute over that, just over whether "repressed memories" are acceptable as evidence.
• United States: NJ's Virgin Mary Tree Draws Believers AND Accusations Of Witchcraft, Devilry—Gothamist, 23rd July 2012. Looks like a vagina to me.
• Zimbabwe: Man killed over witchcraft—NewsDay, 25th July 2012. A man ... was last week reportedly killed by his relatives accusing him of causing his father’s death through witchcraft.
• Zimbabwe: Police arrest self-confessed satanist—Newsday, 25th July 2012. Sounds like someone in need of treatment in a secure mental health facility - An 18-year-old self-confessed satanist who allegedly admitted to having killed his employer’s 12-year-old daughter by slitting her throat and sucking blood from the wound to quench his thirst for human blood has been arrested in Mutare.

England:

Ikhwan vice-president Rohaya Mohamad has claimed women could curb social ills by serving their husbands better than a first-class prostitute.

This from an Malaysian-based Islamic group, called Global Ikhwan supporting polygamy, and apparently, run from a Greenwich restaurant!

Even my mind boggles at this one.

Obedient Wives Club urges women: Be like prostitutes
—Evening Standard, 22nd November 2011.

Another non-religious bargain, I'm afraid, but one that deserves to be mentioned. Natural Harvest is a most unusual cookery book, subtitled A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes.

Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic. Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants. Despite all of these positive qualities, semen remains neglected as a food. This book hopes to change that. Once you overcome any initial hesitation, you will be surprised to learn how wonderful semen is in the kitchen. Semen is an exciting ingredient that can give every dish you make an interesting twist. If you are a passionate cook and are not afraid to experiment with new ingredients - you will love this cook book!

Semen is considered to be suitable for vegans, so long as the donor is willing.

We usually only feature unusual religious products on the Prattle, but while flicking through a copy of QXMen (don't click that link if you have a crap job and are at work!), I noticed a most interesting offer amongst the pictures of nude and scantily clad men at it with one another. It was for a male grooming product, but those of you in the aforementioned crap jobs should leave reading the rest of this entry until you are safely at home.

United States: I remember back in the day, when it seemed like a Conservative politician was accidentally killing themselves through autoerotic asphyxiation every week. It seems the Tories learned from their (colleagues') mistakes, but the knowledge has yet to make it over the Atlantic.

Revd. Gary Aldridge was a graduate of Liberty University and had worked with Jerry Falwell. At the time of his death, he had been senior pastor at Thorington Road Baptist Church in Montgomery, Alabama, for 15 years. He was found dead at his home in suspicious circumstances last June, and the coroner's report has just been issued. He was:

...clothed in a diving wet suit, a face mask which has a single vent for breathing, a rubberized head mask having an opening for the mouth and eyes, a second rubberized suit with suspenders, rubberized male underwear, hands and feet have diving gloves and slippers.

The report goes on to describe the elaborate restraints he had managed to attach to himself before noting that he'd thought of safety (or maybe cleaning up afterwards) at least once:

There is a dildo in the anus covered with a condom.

The coroner concluded that no-one else had been involved in his death.

Falwell colleague dies getting his autoerotic rubber kink on—Pandragon, 9th October 2007; Dead Reverend's Rubber Fetish—The Smoking Gun, 8th October 2007. Thanks to Arthur D. Hlavaty.

Scotland: A Motherwell couple are claiming that Strathclyde Police discriminated against them on religious grounds because the force's personnel files have a single field for Married/civil partnership.

The couple, who have been wed 26 years, told a Glasgow employment tribunal they had deeply held religious beliefs as Christians as to the sanctity of marriage and found the description as married/civil partners offensive causing injury to their feelings as married persons.

Strathclyde Police urged a preliminary tribunal hearing to throw out their claims on the grounds of religion and sex because they had no reasonable prospect of success, or, alternatively, to order Mr and Mrs McQuade to pay a deposit of £500 each as a condition of the case proceeding further.

As well as keeping the database simple, the police point out the single field ensures that people are not discriminated against and prevents personal information being given out by accident. No disadvantage was suffered by the couple as a result of their being treated the same as everyone else.

Catholic man and wife sue cops over file—Glasgow Evening Times, 5th October 2007.

United Kingdom: Britian's neopagans are upset again. First of all it was Trinny and Susannah daring to change the sex of the Long Man of Wilmington, and now they're upset that a figure of Homer Simpson has been painted in biodegradable paint in the vicinity of another 400-year old cartoon, the Cerne Abbas Giant.

It's not King Kevin complaining, either, but the middle class ladies of the Pagan Federation. And, just like the Mohammed cartoon protesters, they're making threats and promising to get their imaginary friend to fix the problem.

Ann Bryn-Evans, joint Wessex district manager for The Pagan Federation, said: We were hoping for some dry weather but I think I have changed my mind.

“We'll be doing some rain magic to bring the rain and wash it away.

Well, that should solve the problem of heavy rains and flooding in England. It's enough to make you want to turn the Long Man of Wilmington into a depiction of the Prophet Mohammed.

Wish for rain to wash away Homer—BBC News, 16th July 2007

Update: This image by HappyToast at B3ta is glorious:

Further update: The Grauniad is running a caption competition.

United States: A Catholic priest gave his church's organist and choir director a surprising ultimatum; quit her sex toy home party job or quit the church. He claimed that her sale of sex toys was not consistent with Church teachings.

Linette Servais, 50, played the organ and sung with the choir for 35 years. Much of her work as choir director and organist was done without pay. When her parish priest asked to meet with her, she thought it was to say thank you.

Instead, she was told to quit her sales job with company known as Pure Romance or she would lose her position in the church.

Pure Romance in Loveland, Ohio, is a $60 million per year business that sells spa products and sex toys at homes parties attended by women. It has 15,000 consultants like Servais.

Women are earning a living for themselves and are teaching each other that sex is not a dirty secret. So, obviously it's not in keeping with church teachings, especially since the buggering of small boys was in no way involved. Fortunately, Linette is made of sterner stuff.

She said her decision was not hard: She began working with Pure Romance after a brain tumor and treatment left her sexually dysfunctional. The job allows her to help other women who have similar problems.

After I got over the initial shock, I prayed over this a long time, she said. I feel that Pure Romance is my ministry.

Linette is not the only woman of faith who has made sex toy sales her ministry, more power to them. Alas, it has been mentioned, that the company in question stocks poor quality merchandise. Hopefully, their market will learn from experience. I'm still uncertain of the particular part of the bible that mentions; Thou Shall Not Sell Sex Toys.

Priest Cans Organist for Sex Toy Sales - Philly.com, 30th May 2007 (via About.com: Sexuality).

Japan can be a little odd at times, as a recently announced game for the Nintendo DS shows. In ã?©ã??ã?©ã??魔女è£?判ï¼? you play a teenage boy who gets to detect witches by the time-honoured method of sexually harassing them.

But it seems that some people are trying to kick up more of a fuss about Matthew Hopkins Jr. and have resorted to faking screenshots to make it look more pornographic than it is [日本語. English language explanation here].

Malawi: A witchdoctor's unconventional magic has resulted in a two year prison sentence, with hard labour.

People in Mulanje were going about their daily businesses but for two women and a 13-year-old girl all from the same family it was a morning of lifetime experiences. The three were having their pubic hair shaved with razor blades by a self proclaimed male witchdoctor who promised them the fortune of life.

One by one the three sisters were called into a bathroom a few metres away from their main house where they stripped naked before 21 year old Peter Harawara who sat there touching and shaving their private parts.

The women began to suspect something was amiss when he threatened them with death and demanded sex.

United States/Israel: A stushie has developed over a new porn film, but it's not your usual kind of fuss. The DVD features the non-dairy creamer of Israeli adult entertainment stars, and the cover design features Kosher markings.

Rabbi Yehuda Rosenbaum, whose company KOF-K Kosher Certification authenticates food including meat, grains and dairy products for the Jewish market, says Oren Cohen has no right using his stamp on Assraelis.

They maintain Tight Fit is using the symbol illegally in violation of State and Federal Law, and they threaten to sue Cohen if the situation is not rectified as quickly as possible.

Obviously they're worried that someone might try and eat the disk.

Israeli Porn Video Slammed Over Kosher Logo—Jewtastic, 26th January 2007.

It was inevitable, I suppose, but while researching the forthcoming end of the world, I encounted a series of articles about the occult nature of The Passion of the Christ at Cutting Edge Ministries. Of particular interest to us is WHY IS ANTICHRIST SYMBOLISM PREVALENTLY SHOWN IN "THE PASSION" where, we are promised, we will discover the symbolism of "Jesus"' naked buttocks in the last scene, among other things. But the first thing we learn is that antichrist and Roman Catholic are one and the same.

Once our journalistic investigations prior to the opening of "The Passion" had revealed strong occult Roman Catholic influences in the creation and the direction of the movie, I felt that we should see a significant Illuminati signature depicted somewhere in the movie.

It starts early. Apparently the virgin birth is nothing but a Satanic deception planted by Auld Nick himself. But it's the eyes of the Christ character that are the most obvious Satanic symbols in the film.

In the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus is repeatedly punched in the face by Caiaphas' guards. After this savage fist beating, Jesus' face is swollen and very puffy. In fact, His right eye is completely closed. For the rest of the movie, Jesus is shown as being able to see only out of His right eye, as this picture clearly demonstrates. Right up until the time of His death on the cross, Jesus is able to see out with only one eye. In other words, Jesus is a one-eyed Messiah for the vast majority of this movie.

Does this mean Jesus is really Odin then? I mean, there's the one-eye thing, and the hanging on a tree thing...

Was that an All-Seeing Eye of Illuminized Freemasonry, the One-Eyed Wisdom and Benevolence of Providence.?

This is also where Jesus' bum comes into it, as He is seen leaving His tomb in his bare scuddies (and bare everything else, too).

Carefully consider this fact: that depiction was totally unnecessary to this film! The Gospels do not record that Jesus left the tomb naked; Sister Anne Emmeric did not see in her "visions" that Jesus was naked as He left the tomb. Therefore, why would Gibson and his Jesuit script writer concoct such an ending? Since Gibson reportedly spent $50 million of his own money to make this film and get it distributed, and since he is a proven professional screen director, you know that he paid attention to every detail, no matter how minute. You know that he knew this film was going to end on Jesus' bare bottom, so that must have been the plan.

But why, and does this mean Jesus isn't Odin after all? Apparently the C.F.R. (Council on Foreign Relations) portrays Antichrist as a one-eyed, left-eyed naked Messiah riding a white horse. It only seems to have four legs though. As you can imagine, Cutting Edge Ministries have a rather unusual view of the CFR. But back to the point, after observing that The Moslems believe that an Antichrist is to appear who will have 'one eye' and that it's only ever the left eye that is shown, they come to a stunning conclusion.

Therefore, you can only now conclude that the reason Gibson showed "Jesus" bare buttocks was that he was providing the second part of the Antichrist symbol - A one-eyed Messiah who is naked!

Right. Now,if only they could work in the Odin bit, to match their Mary-as-Pagan-Goddess bit...

United Kingdom: Sex changes aren't that unusual these days, and the overwhelming majority of patients have a genuine reason for undergoing the rather dramatic process. Sometimes, though, it's not the right answer. Take the case of 'Patient D' who appears to have had a few other issues.

Patient D told the hearing that by the summer of 1996 she was exhibiting symptoms of mania, including religious delusions...

By the time of her final appointment with Dr Reid she believed she was communicating with people psychically, could start and stop trains with her mind, and had the power to cure people's poor eyesight.

Patient D told the hearing she thought she was turning into Jesus and that becoming a man would complete that transformation.

I believed I was becoming Jesus, which I understand is common in manic depression, and having the sex change was part of that, she said.

In this case, an incident which led to her being sectioned ensured that planned surgery never took place and after treatment for her mental problems, she no longer felt the need to change sex. The matter is now the subject of a charge of professional misconduct against the doctor who treated her.

Woman wanted sex change 'to become Christ'—The Guardian, 1st November 2006.