If it's crude misogyny and reprehensible dialogue about women you're after, there are no shortage of examples to be found in some of the men-only Facebook groups operating in secret.
In Australia, the most famous of these is Bloke's Advice. With over 300,000 members, the group has frequently found itself in the news with the exposure of enthusiastic jokes about violence against women (often referred to in these groups as "2 holes"), rape and the circulation of image-based abuse (otherwise known as "revenge porn"). Gosh, why would women be upset about that?
![Feminists welcome men deconstructing the shame inflicted on them for having feelings, but object to the cavalier ...](http://web.archive.org./web/20170609025415im_/https://www.fairfaxstatic.com.au/content/dam/images/g/w/6/y/p/2/image.related.articleLeadwide.620x349.gwmfai.png/1496930936012.jpg)
One of the excuses frequently offered for this kind of content is that it's "dark humour" intended to "release tension". I've lost count of the number of men who chastise me for lacking a sense of humour (a common accusation levelled when those perpetually targeted by misogyny, racism, ableism, homophobia or transphobia dare to speak out against the "jokes" that degrade and dehumanise them) when I complain about or signal boost examples of gleeful descriptions of violence against women. It's just a joke about rape, you hideous slut! It's not real and it's not like the men laughing at it are really going to go out and do it! Stop demonising men! What happened to freedom of speech?!
Cory also posted this today on his FB. Because men laughing at raping women is how rape victims get over it I guess. pic.twitter.com/HZXR6cd8V6
— Clementine Ford (@clementine_ford) June 4, 2017
![Rape culture in action.](http://web.archive.org./web/20170609025415im_/https://www.fairfaxstatic.com.au/content/dam/images/g/w/m/u/p/w/image.related.articleLeadNarrow.300x0.gwmfai.png/1496930936012.jpg)
There are a few things wrong with this argument, but let's start with the most obvious: your nominal freedom of speech does not mean people are not allowed to disagree with you. It doesn't mean they have to smile sweetly and laugh politely when you tell jokes that align yourself with the perpetrators of deeply traumatising crimes like rape and paedophilia. It doesn't mean your colleagues or employer have to accept your passions as representative of company diversity ("Shelly from Accounts is a child of Egyptian migrants while Damien over in Sales really loves sharing memes about beating women.") And people are allowed to find you gross and threatening depending on the nature of the free speech you choose to defend.
Which leads me to this: when it comes to being a decent human being, it doesn't really matter whether the men who think it's funny to joke about raping women are out there doing it in real life because either way, they still fundamentally pose a threat to women's safety and wellbeing. When feminists talk about rape culture, we don't mean a culture in which men are being given comprehensive instructions on how to rape women and get away with it. We mean a culture in which the criminal activity of rape is minimised and normalised through dismissive attitudes, victim blaming, the defence of "boys being boys" and yes, the use of sexually violent imagery and disrespect for consent as a vehicle for laughter. Yes, there are women who rape and yes, there are male victims – but criminal statistics show that the overwhelming majority of rape is perpetrated by men against women. So when men sit around trying to outdo each other with how "savage" their rape comedy can be, those amongst their female acquaintances (particularly those who have been raped) are well within their rights to decide those men aren't safe for them to be around.
More pertinent here, though, is the fact that most rapists don't fall into the category of Alleyway Attacker. Most rapists probably wouldn't even consider themselves rapists more than they would opportunists. And I've got a news flash for you – in a group of 300,000 men, there are statistically rapists present. What do they think when they see other men sitting around and laughing heartily at the things they've done or do? When they see them brainstorming increasingly violent and "hilarious" ways to do it, talking about "2 holes", "whores" and "c---s"? I'll tell you what they don't think. They don't think, "There's something wrong with me."
The critique of misogynist humour as a bonding mechanism always results in spirited declarations of all the supposed good these kinds of groups do. Bloke's Advice in particular is often defended as providing a safe space for men struggling with depression to reach out and get support. No one could fault men seeking help for the mental health issues that traditional notions of masculinity have instructed they keep quiet, but that shouldn't come at the expense of decency and respect for women. Believe it or not, feminists welcome men deconstructing the shame inflicted on them for having feelings. What we object to is the cavalier dismissal of women's mental health alongside it. Survivors of rape and domestic violence experience elevated risk of PTSD, depression and anxiety. Why should they respect a space that claims on the one hand to be saving sad men's lives while doing it at the expense of their own sanity and wellbeing? Toxic masculinity removed from repressive stoicism remains toxic while it holds on to misogyny as a bonding exercise.
These attitudes aren't excusable. Some of the men who indulge in them so gleefully may just be childish and ignorant but there are others who embody a genuine hatred of women. It's impossible for women to know which is which, so the only logical solution for us is to treat all of them with suspicion. And yet, this self-preservation is consistently treated as more offensive and dangerous than the behaviour that spawned it in the first place. Why are women expected to laugh at jokes that make light not just of the violence we are at greater risk of experiencing but that many of us already have? And why is it that the men who are so loud about women needing to relax and stop taking everything so personally are the ones so catastrophically incapable of self-reflection and humility?
On that same page, this was posted today. Cory is a former crewman in the US Army. pic.twitter.com/ur79hoJJZ7
— Clementine Ford (@clementine_ford) June 4, 2017
It's disingenuous at best and downright ignorant at worst to behave as if laughing at sexual violence is a harmless activity. The fact is, you don't know whether the person who loves to ponder the ways he might "humorously" rape a woman is just a terrible comedian or a serial offender. But given the force with which women especially are constantly advised to practise more-sensible awareness about our safety, can you really blame us for viewing with deep suspicion and fear the men who bond with one another over jokes about harming us?
Until we develop a fail-safe way to identify sexual predators, all we have to go on is people's behaviour. If you don't want to be seen as a potential rapist, maybe the first step would be to stop minimising the criminal action of rape because you think it's a good way to get a cheap laugh.
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