go to a douchebag club dressed like a slob and don’t give two fucks.

photos by Krist Papas totally rad guy. knows a star when he sees one.

more photos from last nite coming soon. great notabletv jam. vaneska dj’d and what a breath of fresh air she was.

i went to bed hiccuping. also that is casies shirt.

i need more SLOB CHIC submissions.

pass these guys everyday for the most part. no strong urges yet. sometimes i will swoon over the display, but that’s most likely due to the big VERA WANG on the window. if it were just a regular bridal store i wouldn’t give a shit i’m sure. fil says the dress in the back the bottom of it looks like crumpled up toilet paper is affixed to the skirt. of course he’d say that. dude wants me to wear a fucking burlap sack i bet. ok this is going to be one of those dreamer wedding blog posts. PSYCHE no it’s not. still no plans as of yet. when it happens it’ll be an elope-type wedding, already on honeymoon, party when we get back. therefore a dress like this isn’t necessary. even though thanks to barbie at some point in my life i am “supposed” to wear a wedding dress – despite not feeling a strong urge or desire really to do so, i still feel obligated to again, thanks barbie. i don’t blame movies or old-timey magazines, barbie is the only culprit here. i wasn’t one of those girls when asked what they wanted to be when they grew up said MARRIED. i feel like my getting married is more so a dream for my nana. marriage bells won’t be ringing until we have money for a house, sorry. want us to get married now? give us a down payment so i can start collecting stupid knick knacks to fill my dream house with. grandchildren? same deal.

shit. the word obligated just reminded me of something i wanted to write about last nite that came to me in bed, the phrase obligated pride comes to mind. ugh whatever.

its come back. this is going to stress out my dad.

i’m pretty certain this is from the way i type combined with how i hold my hands in claw-form when i’m thinking – doing anything that involves the slightest amount of thought or movement.

sick! i’ve had it checked before, it’s called a ganglion cyst. this time around it’s sore though. maybe i need a computer break. see what i do for you ungratefuls.

problem solved.

WHAT IS THAT STAIN ON MY COUCH FIL WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING OVER THERE!?

if you watch this you are an even bigger loser than i am.

arran: You should get another Dear Raymi post going because I have some questions for you. Like, how do I get my neighbors to shut up? They are an innocent family but they’re loud.

i tried to get more details out of you concerning this family but apparently you are too busy to get back to me. anyway, i am probably the last person you want advice from as i have been in a do nothing stalemate with my yelling neighbour for three years now. sometimes i bang on the wall and they shut up, i think that’s the best thing to do. it’s non-committal yet also lets them know you can hear them so maybe they should give it a rest. also, it shames them which is a bonus cos they avoid us now, great! as we are that couple next door to the griswolds in this building. selfish snob assholes, basically.

and yes i’ve heard/read about the tanning bed recent “discovery” (like we all didn’t know about it before) and my first thought was man i want to go tanning as well as fuck there goes my nice tan.

also, vancouver’s heat complaints are funny to me because they are finally experiencing summer toronto temperature we receive each year.

poll time duders and dudettes. please click the following that applies to you. come back and vote in the next box once it takes you away to the results page thx. (you can only vote once so get it right the first time fyi)

you have just helped make the world a better place. thank you for your time.

+++

here’s how my painting looks on ian’s wall. yay.

i had a greek fisherman’s hat like this (in cream and the braid was beige) but some dickhead at a house party of mine stole it. he was wearing it all nite and i kept saying you better not leave here with that hat in between dancing drinking etc. the hat was gone in the morning. thanks for inviting those guys you met at the bar cheryl!

homebase for the weekend. those two 2-4s beneath the table were untouched if you can believe it.

sharpie had the right idea in bringin’ up that wig.

you kids need to get over this mask. what are you, 2? BOO!

poor stefan we “pissed on him all weekend long” one thing of which being water balloon fight attack, he got pelted from all sides. sorry, “ambushed” haaha. it’s ok i got him fil and samir from outside and locked out by the girls they thought i had joined the other side so fil whipped a balloon at my back from close-range, TWICE, it wouldn’t burst. i was pretty peeved after that (it really hurt) and the game pretty much ended. but we kept finding un-burst balloons all over the place which was funny. i was told that’s what i get for bringing up water balloons.

that’s betty. the mask looks great on everyone.

orgasmburgers

still dry.

ketchup-free, still amazing.

thank you for butting your cigs out in this OBVIOUS ashtray, guys.

nothing makes you want to go back in time more than seeing pictures of food you ate. yeah maybe to see a dead relative one more time or whatever BUT NO ONE EVER SAYS THAT but for a burger, yes, i will go back in time for a burger.

um i am kinda detoxing (trying to) this week so my brain isn’t functioning right.

ugh.

dance party!

audrey seriously wore this hat as a teenager (like last week) with no irony whatsoever. brings to mind a ton of stupid floral printed shorts and shirts my mom bought THANKS MOM also THANKS FOR THE PERM TOO!

soaked!

my family has these on vhs too and i have watched each decade at least 200 times, fully memorized. audrey knows ‘em well also.

oh hi there.

that is fil’s signature boozin’ snarl photo face. i smell a meme post. should i dig up 60 similar photos to this? he just dared me to. wuh-oh.

insta-face lift.

sambo.

watch your step!

bahahaha that was funny. time for bed!

aw why so sad?

HELLO! we got heavy and i said every girl should invest in a hot pink bikini top. deep silence then audrey says, yes, that is very true. total blasted moment.

enjoying the moment after the moment has passed. stefan i swear to god you better send me some pictures. dude has like a basement archive of photos on a projector he watches by himself, crying. we sure as shit have never seen any.

things are gettin’ pretty serious.

fil owns this hat in twenty different colours.

BAM

hi i’m here to shoot stills for you guises what you hired me for.

mask mask wah wah oh noes i scared!

i’m sure it was a fantastic dance move. as they all are.

like that one.

the gross/great thing about that mask is all your breath condensation gets trapped in the cheeks and chin. i need to punch a bigger hole in the mouth so i can eat and drink without pulling it up.

grand finale.

samir passed out so we paid him a visit. also paid stefan a visit the following nite and i was wearing the mask in the hopes of startling him but he had cashed out hard.

ok the rest will have to wait i have to um, do research now.

that’s me. i scraped my right hip bone on a rock several feet out it gets shallow pretty quick before you know it.

guess i’ve slacked long enough time to get up some of my own along with word stories up. you can see the rest of fil’s pics here.

first the final product to distract from the 30 tired eyes pictures of me you are about to see. gill and i biked over to solo bace salon (860 yonge) for our essensity appointments yesterday morning, called her the nite before to remind her about it even though she was supposed to call and remind ME anyway, was pretty tired after the weekend. to book your own visit the site, it happens every monday at different salons throughout the city until october 26 – ALL FREE! go in late to the office or have your hair and makeup done on your lunch break and go back to work looking like a prom queen.

just look for these signs.

see gill in there?

gift bags. good sign.

gill already had her eyes made up. coward. i had my base make up on, myself, no eyes though. i felt pretty naked and squinty and shy.

nice joint.

i showered/washed my hair everyday at the cottage, glad i did sunday and braided it. i apologized every time the shampoo girl hit a snag (not too frequently thankfully) and at one point there were four hands working on me. SORRY I HAVE MERMAID HAIR SORRY! (not sorry)

forced myself to “let go” and relax for the head massage. normally i make a ton of stupid embarrassing enjoyment noises or i kick out my legs comic-like, way sensitive scalp, tickles. not yesterday though i held my breath and shut my mouth.

being forced to stare at yourself for a half hour in a mirror is intense when you’re eye-baggin’ it. why can’t they do makeup pre-hair? way less depressing.

eavesdropping cannot be avoided. my favourite. once gill left the chair beside me a girl with short hair sat down and proclaimed that she “hated long hair” when asked why the short hair. i decided that she was then my enemy but kept it a secret. i liked her shoes though. the stylist had short hair too. there are other answers for having short hair you know like for one, muffdiving, or, momming out.

product plug. this is good shit. my hair has zero volume cos the length pulls it down quite a bit plus my ramones/tiger lily part and the overall fineness. point being, my hair has volume still today after sleeping on it thanks to this and this line of product is the most as organic as possible thing out there, pretty natural, less harsh on the environment and on your hair.

every morning i have knots and dreadlocks but, not today it’s still shiny. i use a leave-in conditioner after showering by schwartzkopf as well (came in another gift bag) that’s pretty good.

gill passed out during her hair wash/massage.

i haven’t had my hair blown by someone else in a VERY long time. this experience has inspired me to have my hair dyed next week (sponsored!) seeing how long my roots are in the jays game photos of last week, plus yesterday, i’m sold. a salon is no place for hippie hair. i can’t even remember the last time i had my hair dyed either.

i didn’t even notice that streak before.

gettin’ straight. my stylist asked if i ever curl my hair. yeah maybe a few times around christmas haha. i told her they don’t take and fall out pretty easily (especially if i straighten my hair first which i learned the hard way, so stupid) but anyway go ahead yeah lets do this.

hi i’m COUSIN IT have we met? i even gave the ends a trim last week AND my stylist gave my hair another trim to even it all out (fil evidently is blind and cannot detect uneven hair). sevda said i suit long hair. thanks sevda!

bangs are gettin’ long.

half-curled.

we marveled at the curl length still quite long with curls all up in it.

sevda sprayed my hair BEFORE curling. learn something new everyday.

i should have worn sunglasses. yikes. i totally look like my papa here.

colour change LED v nice.

if there was more time she would have held the curling iron longer which would have made the curls last longer. i said i would ride my bike home really slowly. didn’t happen, once i start riding i think i am in a race with everyone on the street. the curls flying in the air through yorkville turned heads though. worth it.

finally face time.

gahaha this is what happens when you ask me to smile so stop asking me to smile.

what a dope. i asked her to go to town on my puffy eyes. still wasn’t enough.

lots of mascara please. she wasn’t going to for some reason. then i asked for some on the bottom, she was very dainty with it. i was like um i fully lace this shit on. i saw how much gill was wearing and was jealous that’s how i learned gill had it on when we showed up what the hell! that’s like taking sand to the beach or basically washing your hair before the salon. women ARE insane.

pale attack. see can you tell i am even wearing any mascara at all? wait maybe this was before mascara i don’t even know.

haha. the picture on the other chick’s camera is way better. (why aren’t those up on the site yet?)

icing on the cake.

awesome. though i have a hook-up elsewhere, thanks tho! if someone wants this let me know.

oooooooooooh.

same bronzer used on my face. sayonara bonne bell bronzer (til this guy runs out).

wicked. that lipstick/gloss is phenom too. just when you run out the product fairy sprinkles some luck your way.

ok girls go get your own gratis pampering experiences while you can. (don’t forget to tip though ya cheapskates!)

EW internet speak in real life. whoever wrote that should be fired.

next read and it better not be a pretentious pile of self-indulgent puke. better not as in better BE! xoxo (she got a lot of flack for the “piece” she wrote about that author who died i forget the name of. fuckin’ internet eh. sometimes it’s like, just shut the fuck up already and let blowhards be blowhards)

so this weekend was filled with a medley of snores. not the oh man that was boring kind of snores. real snore snores. literal snores. fil and i shared the top bunk and got to listen to some kind of animal right above our heads that when you closed your eyes sounded like it was IN the fucking room with you. and then we listened to samir pepper the room with mouth music. then we dosed ourselves with some chill pills. both nites i slept til about 3 or 4 then took the couch. i just get anxious when not on the ground floor, it wouldn’t require much to think myself into puking. the first nite climbing over fil and down i almost broke my ankle. the second nite we closed all the windows so bears wouldn’t come eat us (are there even bears on that island? fil says no) and then around 3 in the morning it was a total sauna, fil was soaked in sweat and i felt like i was suffocating and extremely claustrophobic. so down i went to use the bathroom (outhouse) and fucking sprinted cos i felt like bears were going to chase me. what a wiener. thanks for putting that idea in my head. so i’m on the couch and then stefan comes strolling in desperate for water. he packed’er in early from givin’er hard all saturday then samir and the dog got up, then i finally fell asleep and what felt like two minutes later it was ten o’clock and everyone was up. such is the life of the couch surfer.

the point of this story is i got some more snoring presentations last nite courtesy of fil. i finished my book and i didn’t feel like drinking anymore or taking more chill pills so basically over-tired/wired can’t sleep also watching sketchy vintage to serve and protect (watch it sunday nites at 11 on suntv it’s the best, all footage from 80s/90s so so awesome) got my mind racing. fil wasn’t even really snoring my ears were just so acute to sound from no background cottage lake water rippling sounds getting in the way. then cid showed up to display all the various shapes of seashells he can impersonate with his body while purring like a goddamn lawnmower in my ear. alright enough of this time for the couch so i get the other duvet, remove one of the couch back cushions and lie down. now with me no longer in the room crooning brainwashy CLOSE YOUR MOUTH attempts at the back of fil’s head, guy was free to let it loose and i got to hear it all from the couch. even cid wanted to escape it and pawed at the door for ten minutes til it opened and the door wasn’t even closed all the way stupid idiot!

after this i was treated to ten minutes of the sound of cid sitting on a plastic bag i left on the floor. asshole. there’s fifty cloth bags littered all over the place and you choose a dominion bag. thank you.

next up of course was joining me on my chest in the hopes of first strangling then choking me with his paws then SITTING on my face with his gigantic ass and of course repositioning himself 40 times all of which ensuring as much fur as possible is covering my nostrils and mouth at all times. by this point i am extremely flattered, annoyed, and wide awake thinking ok this is how i am going to die. i was having trouble sleeping knowing i had to get up and be ready to go to that spa treatment appointment. even if i have something scheduled at say 3pm the following day, it will keep me up. anyway, woke up around 6 then went to bed and slept til 9.30 made to the appt for 11 good thing i didn’t shower cos they washed my hair. curled it too and did my make up. biking home all the curls fell out.

oh and i fell in the lake with all my clothes on saturday nite. slid down a rock and the water went up to right below my pockets, lucky cos my camera was in one. then i put on shorts and joined audrey in crayfish hunting. we got 7.

BYE!

thanks audrey! hi mary!