no no, not this guy.

THIS ONE!

ten years in my leg what a little wimp hey? in four hours when flickr allows me to upload another photo of it get ready to be amazed. (that is a teeny tiny match ps. so according to scale i haven’t the first clue what to tell you maybe i should call a model train store?)

pulling that thing out was a serious high it came out all in one piece thankfully after fifteen LONG minutes of plucking and digging at it, prying and clearing the skin around the area then my phone starts ringing or something and by that time i was so fed up with trying so hard to get it out i just yanked the fucker out all in one go and it was like cumming (sorry parents, your fault not mine that you read this thing) i dunno, it was great. GREAT GREAT. feeling a foreign object depart your body is a relief you should probably shove some wood in your thigh too just to experience the thrill.

oh and i have to start practicing aussie i have to blog like i’m in australia (not on here, elsewhere on the netz) so any tips would be muchly appreciated.

this is what i’ve been up to: shit all.

just kidding. no i’m not. just kidding. kidding no i’m not uuuuuuuugh hi.

i’m moochin’ my friend’s slow wifi currently hangin’ with her pooch it has taken a day and a nite to upload photos to flickr so once that’s finally completed i’ll have to come up with some weak-ass vapid captions/descriptions for each. same old same old. oh yeah later this week mtv news is doing an interview with me on camera about guess what? THE INTERNET! what the hell is that? what do i wear? how many brews do i pound for talking courage blaaaaah. oh and a modeling gig just popped up, and some other blogging thing i’m dragging my heels on as well as two fucking art projects holy totally overwhelmed but cool about it. and a music video starring me with britt (she’s a producer you know, director?) now i must restudy all the semi-smart/stupid things i said in these clips.

also i don’t know if this is legit or not but i am really liking the sound of it:

Dear artist.

If you are a devoted and interesting artist who wants to get a new kind of
inspiration please read more about our program at our website:
nestlist.is (i guess linking that is virtually pointless as it’s all icelandic)

Also remember to add us as a friend on Facebook where you can see what is
going on here and also a few photo albums.

Kveðja
María Markovic
Nes Listamiðstöð
545 Skagaströnd

i’ve always wanted to visit iceland. being a blur fanatic in my not too distant past, knowing they recorded their self-titled fifth album in Reykjavik as well as somewhat recently reading 101 reykjavik i’m dead set on the scene. i am in love with the idea of nearly-forgotten dark places on the edge of the planet. sometimes on the news when they show a map of the world they don’t even bother including the tiny speck of that island of ice. lots of drinkers there (it’s dark and cold for like ever) and we all know i love me my drinkers. i don’t think i’ll ever be unromanticized about them. not so much being one myself, i dunno, i’m in love with tortured beasts. and sadness. that for me will never change. i don’t think you ever break free of sentimentality, the human memory in that regard seems to be limitless and yes i did drink the gay koolaid, i’ve been hittin’ it all week in fact.

if you were feeling like a gander at some rock solid ab definition i invite you to all sizes this guy.

visited st. jude’s church last week, sat on my great grandmother’s memorial bench. probably my most favoured beautiful emo perch. my grandmother and grandfather’s ashes are here too.

i know i’ve mentioned this numerous times before here i guess it’s just the time of year.

totally ordered.

that’s the girl.

nice little sanctuary.

did you leave that there, tin ribs? (inside)

i’m bummed i couldn’t get her the one she wanted but i think in time she will appreciate this one more.

i’d wear that dress in a second.

this is my retro pocket kiddle from the 50s? 60s? probably 60’s based on the apparel, got it from the antique flea market in bronte probably on the cusp of being a little too old for toys. i was kinda late in getting the notion that you’re not supposed to be into toys anymore, rude awakening coming back to school in grade 6 and everyone was wearing new stylish clothes (i of course was dressed like kurt cobain so maybe i won?) and i had a stack of pink plastic toys at home whoops thanks for the newsletter, peers. at least betty joe harris missed that one too. also known as betty fro harris. poor girl.

trying to think of a moon joke. newp. nuthin’.

guess who’s a gazelle? not you.

i fucked up my left hand doing some cartwheels. that thing about aging and not being able to perform certain things you used to be able to churn out like crazy back in your spring chicken days, well, it’s not a myth. stay limber dudes.

this would be the moment of geniosity, settin’ off with my left hand, not the strong one as well that uber cyst on my wrist. maybe i’ll just blame the lawn instead and not enough space otherwise i could have done 6 in a row down the backyard, hard to photograph though.

bought some pears from the supermarket then discovered the tree hanging over my dad’s fence is a packed to the tits muhfuckin’ pear tree! i jumped up, plucked one and a ton of others fell off on the other side haha. they’re not ripe yet. check back later for more news concerning pears!

beer and a splash of oj. don’t be an idiot and deny yourself this taste of paradise.

me and jimi, hangin’ (i apologize profusely for all these: ” ‘ ” things in lieu of spelling out the whole word, like spellin’ IT’S HOW I TALK!)

this is the last picture flickr let me get up before i lost my mind and blew an impatience fuse in my brain so we’ll meet again some day soon bye bye.

these are the things i have to think about now:

Was it a complicated decision to become so open with your personal life in your blog?

What is your advice to people on the issue of internet privacy?

i will attempt to get more photos on flickr so check back periodically if you have a life like me.

well here’s some i put up last week or so.

best store ever, on bloor north side two teeny blocks west of bathurst.

gaaaaaaaaah.

and then some.

look they all want to hug me their arms are reaching out to me ME!

seriously, can i live here?

i just, i, have no words. except the ones i just typed oh my god jokes!

well aren’t you precious.

i love this guy he is so nice and totally a perfectionist. remember the pill he almost made me swallow that had paper inside haha. watching him wrap hailey’s present was torture. the chick working with him was like yeah, total perfectionist. he wrapped the gift then unwrapped it just to wrap it again! i bet he’s like that with rolling joints omg my skin was crawling and i was already so late to dinner.

feh, more time for important things like taking pictures of retarded shit i can’t live without.

do you think i would ever get anything done if i worked in this place (like i ever get anything done anyway so nevermind). that’s what noel said to me if i worked at magic pony i’d always be fucking with everything sigh dream job.

k ready yet are you sure? (i love the delicate attention to detail i really do)

i stuffed a 20 in the fold. teens love money.

they chucked it in this cute little baggy.

it spoke to me.

my brother is in a gang apparently, of hippies. they get together for peace rallies and intense games of hacky sack.

fil trying to silence the sound of my mom’s camera that irritates the universe every time she turns it on which is every two seconds.

falconer projects bahaha even though they aren’t projects but we still represent ‘em nonetheless. ahhh.

don’t ever plan on eating healthy in the suburbs.

birthday girl. this was my shirt (h&m size 2? 4?) still fits me but she likes my little cool shirts. i gave her my rolling stones tee too, i am trying to cool the hell out of her. it’s not hard at all.

someone’s gonna destroy some hearts eh.

ok i’ve had enough of this slow connection xoxo.

mama’s so proud (and old) l’il sass is gunnin’ for a MuchMusic VJ gig so lets help her take it! SHE NEEDS AS MANY 5 STAR VOTES AS POSSIBLE AND YOU CAN KEEP VOTING AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AS LONG AS YOU REFRESH SO DO EEET PLEASE. this benefits us all. she gives good camera, she says too much (good tv) and never minces words, totally good fit for Muchmusic also when not soused is probably the most well-spoken person i know. fuck it, soused even, blows my mind.

her audition video is up on that long-ass yelling at you link too but you can watch it here right now, it’s boss.

don’t forget to vote for joey/sass/summer wheatly! multiple times, 5 star HOT 5 star COOL – DON’T BE A DICK!

the silence following each beautiful statement i make is actual laughing so hard silence, you know? i don’t just go on and on at parties when i’m tankin’ (yes i do) every joke.

brad was goin’ all newf but then stopped once i got the camera out so i stepped in. he corrected me that cape breton is not in newfoundland (duh like, i know) but whatever all the same shit basically over there on the east coast they all speak like scottish troll leprechaun wastoids and i love them very much. but not as much as you. and yes i am drunk still. likely.

i’m cool cos i care about the environment, i bring jars of piss to parties. with ice cubes!

and i am in a gang now.

OMG IS THAT BRAD PITT! someone called him chris angel last nite too ahahaa nice. brad we love you.

this is how we show it.

guess how many tries this guy took.

for the win.

I, am a wonderful person.

what’s doin bacman? (like pacman)(uh cool name?) the chick who owns this buddy is polish so maybe that means something haha i just spelled polish polosh. and now we’re discussing nail polish, oh homonym, you freak. UPDATE: the dog’s name is batman so why the fuck was everyone going out of their way to clarify that it was just like pacman? tards.

birthday cake rollies! oh yeah this was a birthday party for matt and dave. COME FOR THE MATT, STAY FOR THE DAVE. still kills me.

didja hear? they took the cn tower down. shipped it off to vancouver. enjoy.

brosz7’s arm was getting tired from holding that beer stein all nite long, this is a photo depicting the pain. that dude beside him is jay phill, we are working on formulating the best band ever together very soon (we’re very bummed the name HOT PISS is taken by some band in peterborough, think we can nab it off them?) he drums and i spazz the f out and actually my voice is loads better now, i dunno if it’s from maturing and/or combo of non-smoking but either way, have you ever heard an angel sing before? well, you will.

brad is diggin’ on his necklace and getting loads of props for it. you better be name-dropping me.

can’t be helped.

lets crank this party up a notch. i love the store clerk’s reaction every time i go in there at like 2 in the morning to buy sparklers or water balloons. so typical.

shocked and awed we all have our eyes and fingers.

party for hire email for my rate card kids love me!

ten million more of this to come later when the jokes get worse.

PAYCE IN THE MIDDLE AYYYYYYYYSTE omg shut up now please god.

i just missed you is all.

livin’ on the edge.

oh hey how’d this get in there?

oh right i smoke weed now (occasionally).

tellin ya, britt’s clothes are worth your while big time.

this week’s been rich.

don’t even get me started on this little nostalgic motherfucker.

or this.

yeah cool story quarter to seven in the am blog posting how wild.

imagine your ass on that power plate. good for last minute special occasion toning. can’t wait to try it out next week. but oh, what’s that up on the wall over there that i spy…?

I EXTRACTED whoops yelling sorry (though this story probably should be drilled through a megaphone atop the cn tower it is that HUGE) i finally tweezed out this piece of wood that has been parked in my thigh for the past ten years, more than ten years! it was glorious wait til i show you a picture. i can’t believe i left that little beast in there so long. on my sixteenth birthday in drama class wearing these tight ass le chateau shiny pants (tellin’ ya h&m before h&m was h&m not exactly but you catch my drift) and i hiked my ass up onto a wooden box used for props and background (for suspending your mind far out there as far as disbelief goes oooh drama you’re all over this one aren’t you steph haha) and a sliver of wood blasted right through those pants into my thigh pretty deep beneath the skin. now, being the wimp i was i didn’t tell anyone i didn’t even tell anyone it was my birthday fuck that’s gay style and too cool for high school anyway so i just went out with whatever old guy i was dealing with at the time that evening with a chunk of wood in my thigh and ten years later my body is finally rejecting it a bit, the tip of one side of the wood had always been sticking out a little. i enjoyed fiddling with that and squeezing it from end-to-end until i could no longer withstand the pain then leave it alone for a few months.

here’s how you extract a centimeter long (that’s half an inch or something USA) piece of wood from your thigh:

WEED.

also it is smaller than it was i think my body broke it down maybe and also there’s black paint on it still too, alright brain party go healthy! hopefully i will become smarter now, look out for that one.

sorry no camera cord so here’s some oldies in case you miss what i look like too much right now.

oh right i forgot to brag about how edwin was in love with me this nite but i’m sure he’s in love with all the girls so meh. i liked when the dj spun one more astronaut or some other i mother earth jam and it was like go time behind the bar here comes a real life music video. if you’re an ex-artist bartending and they play your song how are you supposed to act, like you’re deaf? oh that song is familiar hmmmm where have i heard that one before? oh whatever it wasn’t that uncomfortable but what was uncomfortable was this bro right up here ahh man, get a clue please. if you are this guy (not him but your game is the same) do yourself a solid and stop attending dimitri the lover conferences ugh. this guy was necessary for the piles of brews beside me. thank you bye. for the record i was a total angel sweetie pie to him, i`m beyond tolerant of grossers. not carly though, she had ice queen mean goin` steady. always impresses me i just can`t bring myself to be a dick to pathetic guys even though they deserve it (once they do something to deserve it) i just keep lip servicing until my girlfriends want to explode.

i just forgot how to make brackets work on this thing so i guess no more memory lane photos.

uh gawd im so behind on everything LOSER OUT.

oh yeah one more thing i have just decided that my first born child`s name will be JA-MOAHN! like how michael jackson says it. i think it`s a good thing. be happy for me.