Raymi

jennifer!!!

ok that disturbed me, when i was 12 i was not plotting how to screw boys, i was fantasizing about rock stars and writing about that, i didn’t have this thing called msn, i didn’t even have the friggin’ internet, my friend dan did and we’d go there to write emails to random businesses on the web and the emails were something like this, “You’re a homo and you suck your own penis and you are so ugly and you’re gay!”

you know, mature stuff like that, and then we’d rip the hell out of the company, i think one sold fishing rods or something and we made lewd fishing rod comments, and then dan’s dad got an email about the whole thing and dan got in trouble but not really, well sort of, ‘cos we were suppose to be working on our geography project but janet kept walking in and telling me she was fat and i was like no u aren’t shut up you are pretty dur dur dur

anyway, this jennifer girl who emailed me, i refuse to respond, i am actually considering abolishing the how to be a slut article because people have taken it way too seriously and i am still being emailed about it but now it’s coming from little girls? sometimes men will email me and ask my advice about their wives screwing around on them and then i write long emails about what signs to look for when really the problem is they are just not meant to be or their needs aren’t being met, i dunno.

the world is fucked and so are people and they are all on the internet and they are all looking at porn and cheating on each other and now little jennifer is wanting to be just like me, so, now what?

oh and ps jennifer i do not fuck every guy that likes me, i apologize if it appears to be that way, but it isn’t that way, i am actually quite a loyal person, these days especially, and i wanted you to know that.

damnit.

now i have to decide if i am going to wash my face or not or if i should go get coffee or juice or eat something or take advil though it’s all of the above the washing of the face is the one that gets me

if you know me personally then you’ll know i am of the dirtbag-persuasion and that stems from the following:

1. lazyness

2. lazyness

3. too busy talking about lazyness

4. too busy making “funny” comments or thinking them wanting to write them down or taking photos of the same stuff everyday but maybe this time it will look better?

5. not caring but caring only about how much other people will know i am wearing make-up on top of make-up because of

6. lazyness

7. sdfihdsfhdsvnewirtu43598743

8. i am hungry

9. shut up

10. i hate that the number ten is a two-digit number and now my list isn’t congruent

11. i will at least brush my teeth

12. this list is awesome

13. well it is the weekend so it doesn’t matter how trashy i look

14. right, this isn’t toronto, there are important rich people walking around with their families

15. DAMMIT!%$#@*

16. i could wear my ninja outfit

17. ok that is just weird

18. though pretty funny plus i am laughing out loud, sort of

19. i wish cats could speak

20. asshole cats

so ya, i guess i was always manic, i just thought about this three half-seconds ago, i was thinking about how i can hammer out all this thought-tangent nonsense really fast and it was like that in school too – i wanted to do it as fast as possible and i didn’t care how shitty it looked, it was perfect in my eyes and i didn’t care if ms. HAG wanted me to draw that mountain less-ugly i was like screw that mountain look at that seal, that seal is WICKED! and she was like, F.

kidding, she gave me a B and i was down with that because it was close to recess and i was in enrichment anyway and soon to be the valedictorian on account of my loudmouth “getting along with everyone though annoying the crap out of everyoneness”

this chump tole my mum oh isshe gonna coast on that valedictorian crap forever?

yes chump, i am, because you were not a valedictorian and that’s why you are ripping me for it, and i don’t give a cuss-word that this was in grade-school, i don’t give a cuss-word period and that is why i reminisce about school because i did and said a lot of funny stuff and i was picked on and teased just as much as everyone else and i am young still and i remember a lot of things so i write them down and talk about them to entertain myself and others, not to brag or to indulge

‘cos when my mum told me they had chosen me i was confused because i didn’t think i deserved it because by grade eight i was slaaacking ‘cos i was so miserable and under-challenged and by then teacher’s had grown-accustomed to my bs and offering to read my assignment first because i was too impatient to sit there with the thing in front of me on my desk not being shared, it was like fire, @#$%, get it off my desk now, my peers have to hear what i wrote last nite, they have to hear it now

anyway

i was flat and had a big nose and i was tall and sort of skinny but then started being all insecure about my body weight ‘cos of those dumb girl magazines and because i was a brainer though a COOL brainer, people hated me more i guess so my phsyical flaws were their blessings, you know, chumpface?

this post was only suppose to be a ten numbered list with that funny engrish picture and now look at it.

i felt pretty lame showing up like a ninja alone because EV couldn’t handle being out because the one person he wanted to be with he just couldn’t be with and i got that feeling you get when someone is crying and they can’t have you there seeing them but they need you to hug them but they don’t at the same time and you are awkward in the car in a ninja outfit with a plastic sword and your backpack and jacket and it is raining and your friend is crying and says you just have to leave

well i got that feeling, that asshole-idiot feeling that i had let him down, that i couldn’t make him not cry because i have this stupid little gift of making people remember pain and i get them to think about emotions and stuff because i am all analytical and then i just go and ruin everything

and after they tell me i don’t want to talk about it or think about it i do or say other things to try and cover up the thing we are not suppose to be talking and thinking about and so it was hard because i knew he was already thinking it because i know i was but i was running around preparing and i knew he was going to ditch and i was fine with that

but there i was in town walking to the spot instead of fil’s because i had to unleash my ninja-ness because all of a sudden i was feeling really impressed with myself and the world was not at all bleak and though i was feeling greatful for the convenience of the spot, but moreso happy to know there are people around i can bump into and talk about anything and they listen, sort of, and then they say something and i listen, sort of though there is a huge insecurity of the people who do this hopeful bumping into each other at various spots because you are all shy and polite and go may i please speak with you because i am patheticly complex and miserable and sometimes if they are already wasted they will let you and sometimes they won’t because they are just not into it and that’s why you have an arsenal of books and pens and stuff or a newspaper

but everyone talks to everyone eventually because drunk people are nice people because they are sad people and that’s why they are drunk

they didn’t choose drinking because it’s cool to drink and makes you win a coors lite golf weekend with ten trillion rock bands playing it and unicorns with maxim magazine models with all their amazingly hospitable friends going BLAAARW YAH BOOOOOZE WE’RE SO TOTALLY ROCK AND ROLL GOLF PLAYERS NOW!

ok well maybe that is how they started drinking

what i meant to say was

they continue to drink because they are lonely and sad and do not have rock and roll golf player friends to hang out with so they go to nice little pubs and talk to indignant and hilarious blokes who hate everything about everything because they have been screwed by the man or by their wives or sons or they were the one who made it all go wrong and now they drink away their memory and change it so it wasn’t their fault, who cares, they have all been hard-done-by and we all are not pretty enough or smart enough, tall enough, we don’t measure up and so we drink and talk about the day when they will get together and do something about it all

anyway, happy halloween.

TOP TEN CHILDREN’S BOOKS NOT RECOMMENDED BY THE NATIONAL LIBRARY ASSOCIATION

10. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

9. The Boy who Died from Eating All His Vegetables

8. Legends of Scab Football

7. Teddy: The Elf with a Detached Retina

6. Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer

5. Joe Garagiola Retells Favorite Fairy Tales but Can’t Remember the Endings to All of Them

4. Ed Beckley’s Start a Real Estate Empire with Change from Mom’s Purse

3. Things Rich kids Have That You Never Will

2. Let’s Draw Betty and Veronica with Their Clothes Off

1. The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead

this post was plagiarised from THE “LATE NIGHT with DAVID LETTERMAN” book of TOP TEN LISTS, 1990.

so we ate french cheese from canada and tried to watch twist but it was too drab and depressing so we watched meangirls instead and we drank fancy vodka and cream soda and got all sleepy and were total dirtbags oh yeh we had sushi and then we watched some footage of hanna doing a show at the royal york and the camera guy she hired was total crap and i am going thru videos of yesterday’s auditioners and making fun of a lot of them i’ll transcribe all the notes i made from yesterday tomorrow because i am a nicegirl.

i havent even washed my face and i am walking around in wool socks the weather is kinda crappy, people keep calling me to figure out what is happening tonite, tomorrow, the nite after, this whole halloween-thing is kinda stressful, the whole making-an-effort of it, i mean.

last year’s halloween jamie and i walked around looking at people wearing costumes and we hung out in that harlot-tavern and i poured hot candle-wax on the tables and we peeled it off and made cubes out of it and i let him take pics of me ‘cos i was starting to feel confident again, well i had to, i was in nyc, you know?

i had coolhandluke’s sweater and black hair again and this green jacket that wasn’t all tagged with raymi-crazy graffiti on it and i talked to the blond girl on msn for the first time after all that draaaaama and then to tina and he was all excited over it, and now i know why he was all excited over it.

so i was there for a week and i didn’t leave jamie’s apartment i just sat on the couch with pillows what fall off of it, jamie would come home from work and i would make like i hadn’t been chainsmoking all day long staring at the bodyshopsketchbags across the street.

now i would have left the apartment had there been extra keys, had there been extra keys, i prolly wouldn’t have left the apartment anyway, had i been more ambitious i would have just met jamie in the city instead of being an invalid.

true called sometimes and we met up and true was very nice and flattering and i was taken aback because i was so not in that big-ego raymi thing, i was feeling so not, anything.

i felt nothing, i felt things i felt sad, but that sadness came from the inability to feel, and my hair fell out because i was getting over an abortion and had extra weight on because of these you-are-so-totally-not-right medication because you try to friggin’ hard to be happy and make other people happy and now look at you.

anyway, i want to say thank you to everyone, even if you just read me and never say anything to me, or we’ve met and you’ve let me hold your hand, or you have lent me a nickel, or you let me have you over and wait on you while you watch dumb things or read my books, thank you for being a part of my world.

weird how that got all gay like that.

October twentieth-something, close to halloween (i got a ninja costume) 2004 8:15pm

i pay attention less and less to what date it is, funny how i use to care about that sort of thing. i was all fanatic over it and now there are just too many people i have in my life to keep track of ‘em all – birthdays, long-weekends, holidays, events, television shows, fashions…

and the older i get the more bitter i feel but mostly i am just bitter towards myself for not having changed the world yet tho’ i have written in an online journal with photographs of myself and sort of established a base of readers of sorts

and i do not like the term “cult-following” because it is insulting to the “cult followers, readers, people who are appreciative of the work/art that is my life”

i am more of an accessibility than the type-regre “celebrity” though i guess that’s what makes me a “cult icon”? perhaps i am just deluding myself into thinking that people around the world actually give a shit about me and what i have to say.

anyway i think that guy who loves tony pierce is here now. i convinced him to hang out and buy me beer because i am broke and lonely and hey, if all the other bloggers do it why can’t/shouldn’t i?

though i am not the typical let’s all meet off the www. blogger anymore, i use to be, i use to do the shit out of that sort of thing but now i am all neurotic and considerate of people’s feelings and i don’t like to use them and get them to mail me cookies and stuff, that’s chate.

having a blog is a gauranteed lay and if you are linked to my blog or tyranny or tony then you are going to have s e x.

screw that.

days later – anyway, i met up with the blogkid and turns out he is all attractive and positive and stuff and he bought me chocolates and talked about europe and writing and i was all negative sort of, i mean, he was so idealistic it was shocking, it was like he was sent from some planet to show me what i was like when i was 16 and seducing old men and going I AM WRITING A BOOK… honestly, who is doing the seducing, the 16 yr old?

well sort of.

all i have to say is, whoever said orange was the new pink was totally a fag.

and ps, fags!

pps – i hope yer all making the right decisions out there.

today i told the boss that he has a massive g-spot in his prostate because he was asking about homosexuality and i was all i bet i could convince you to be with a man and he was all unnngh? and then his face turned red and hanna laughed her ass off and was all um i don’t want to be thinking about that and i said well it waaaas innapropriate but still it was, hilarious because you are all uncomfortable and i have my pants pulled up over my knees and i am showing off the bruises on my legs and my argyle socks because i have had a lot of coffee and then i did a cartwheel and turned into pixie dust, the end.

Grow Up and Blow Away