thank you so much everyone for your support and kind wishes, i feel like a cad i dunno, i feel like this should be the fluff blog that’s why i don’t do the political naggy downer thing typically, a childhood friend told me once that when she sees me cry it just kills her, it’s like seeing a clown cry, not that i am a clown but you know, after having a particular image in your head of someone and the way they are and act when something real happens and they get bummed, it can be shocking. don’t get me wrong i many a time drunk cry spring it on someone and trap them into my shit but yeah, thousands of people daily whom have never met me come here to hear about how obsessed i am with my body and hair and mediocre obvious movie observations and then oh shit she IS real. anyway, i am so uh touched and despite my dad’s pride and not wanting to express or share what is going on right now, i know he would be touched as well. i don’t want to downplay nor blow anything out of proportion, it’s too soon to say, we are all thinking positively and everyday, better and better it seems, better news, better signs, there’s just a tiny hump of scary sadness to overcome, technical shit if you will.

i am this close to drunk dialing the hospital.

i’m just walking around all hysterical in my head i’m not going to give too many details my dad likes his privacy. i had a tan and some greasy spoon and a thousand cups of tea and distract myself as much as possible until the haunting shit comes back to me and squeezes my heart i can’t even lose my mind yet, there will be weeks and weeks and more weeks longer until that is even an option. drinking everyday walking around this town of memories that reminds me of everything before all this.

i feel like a prisoner of my own head in my body.

haunted mostly, mostly haunted that’s as accurate as i can get right now. i bumped into tarley we went for a walk to the lake and the pier i’m so so so so tired, can’t sleep.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

Hi…you don’t know me….but I feel like I know you. I just want to say that I hope everything works out. I usually read your blog for sheer entertainment and think that you are this person who just experinces life and has a talent for appreciating it on a different level. I never truly think of you as “real”. But you seem to be going through a tough time and now I see how real you actually are. I think your words are lovely and I hope that you only have beautiful and happy things to write about from today on.

jo

i’m fine

my dad is in hospital

things have been intense

it’s not a nightmare as much anymore
he’s getting a teeny bit better

still

i can’t

anyway

blogging has never felt so trivial

i am asleep on my feet i have lost a ton of weight
everything i eat goes right through me immediately

i go for a break have a drink go back to visit and sobers me right up

life is precious
if i have learned anything from this

life is fucking precious

my eyes have been bloodshot since wednesday

everytime i hear a beatles song i bust up
neil young

everytime i think i explode

i’m trying not to be fatalistic in my head

there is only so much pacing you can do
pace off a cliff

not entirely out of the woods yet
it’s critical then it’s stable

i don’t know what to say or do or think i do not have the adequate foundation to deal with stress or hospital stuff
other than crying and shitting

the heart and mind can never be prepared for what the eye delivers

come to think of it i could probably pace forever

we were at the supermarket and this guy was near me in the frozen section and i got the HE IS IN LOVE WITH ME vibe and i thought fil was creeping around and going to jump out and tell me i am in trouble for someone being in love with me cos we just came from indigo and this other dude was standing near me and i apparently shared a moment with him despite being one-thousand per cent engrossed in cheap book browsing, anyway, i go get some milk and go back to the frozen shit and fil is there fondling pizzas and i said we are NOT having pizzas i do NOT care if they are on SALE no pizza and this guy who was in love with me sniggered, and then as fil walked away he tripped me and i almost hit my face on this skid of frozenables and the dude who was in love with me sniggered some more at/with us, as i called fil a total fucking asshole which received another laugh.

anyway fil’s perception of this was that the dude was laughing AT me because he was not privy to the 5 seconds of this dude actually peeping me on the sly, i think the second laugh he did was cos he was single and lonely as hell and seeing a couple nag, kick and swear at each other is like i am going to go home and murder myself after i eat two boxes of kraft dinner.

gregg griffin

here is some around town gossip remember this thing? and then no update? well i saw her on the street yesterday and all her hair is cut off (assuming for brain/head surgery) and she looked a little cuckoo like britney kooks and was kinda dancing, internal rhythym type shit w/no music, she was with two chicks, and they were crossing the street but like doing it in this fucked up way dodging cars psyching out anyway took forever, i guess after a head injury you have to be on anti-psychotic meds for at least a year, it showed is all. ew i feel like a slimy dick now for sharing this on my blog.

++

happy hands club

ok i don’t want to jump off a bridge anymore (pfft as if i would do that anyway, that bridge is faaaaaar and i would have to take a bus to it, ew buses) i went for two lie down tans one yesterday and one tuesday and now i have some colour, thank fuck. i’m going to be super moody insane for other new reasons though, something i can’t blog about, so yeah, lay off on the nasty zingers for the time being, thanks.

+++

happily, poetry slam war continues:

too big to get all in one picture, they said we are all boring and unoriginal and that maybe poetry is for people who can’t say what they want w/o the flowery filler (contradictionary) then someone wrote suck my dick beneath that.

maybe they should turn to poetry perhaps then i would understand what they are trying to get the fuck across. if you cannot speak or write, poetry is the answer? yeah can you poetry your way through a fucking boardroom meeting and poetry me some fries supreme at taco bell? yeah, that how it works, chum?

i wrote that, i was pretty excited for a flame war i didn’t know what to say. i added that poetry was not original on another part of the wall.

+++

“Lauren White: One of the most difficult things to do as a blogger is maintain a consistent level of interesting content, one that draws readers back time and again. While blogging has become vastly popular, there have been few that have been able to sustain their blogs more than a year or two without succumbing to fatigue, and most simply lack the ability to continually produce quality content. This is where the skills of quality diarists come into play, and in my opinion there is none finer than Lauren White, known to most as Raymi The Minx.

Over the seven years that Lauren has been writing, she has been able to maintain not only a consistent standard of interesting, quirky and, at times, crazed content, but has also transcended the format and turned it into an art form that, to me, parallels at times the likes of Bukowski.

Don’t get me wrong, she certainly has her detractors, most of whom are unable to grasp what she is doing and the thought processes that are attached to each offering, which to me is a sign that an artist is doing something right rather than wrong. In a word, she is original. In fact, she is so original that her style has been copied by literally thousands of others.”

Matthew Good shares his must-read blogs.

thanks dude also for the boob picture.

me: are you going to get pretentious pickles and eggs (to eat the pickles, then boil the eggs and pickle them)

Phil: yes maybe i dunno

me: why are you perplexed

Phil: im not
i want to get it all at noahs or equivalent
so yes
i will
i have decided

me: well we dont know if they are at noahs

Phil: if not there, then the next place
or i will buy some chickens and plant some cucumbers and do the whole thing myself

me: omg
wow
you are turning crazy
why dont you just buy a shack on the island

Phil: jokes dude, jokes

me: mine too guy

Phil: i know there buddy

me: i kind of want to live on the island cos this one character in the robber bride (atwood) she lives on the island and has a chicken coop and thats how she gets her eggs and there is this part when she puts an egg in her pocket and then forgets about it and hugs her boyfriend and it gets crushed, i wish that was me, oh and wearing wellingtons and a long nightgown and have scraggily long hair

Phil: yes nice

las iguanas is a good place for spying, i saw two people of my past walk by and i got good looks at both of them. i had the chili and a margarita. fil had enchiladas. there was this chick hanging out at las iguanas who panhandles at our subway stop, she has a major limp and her hair is kinda fucked her hairline and she talks funny and she was with some older yuppie sucker dude with a cellphone on his belt and the belt was braided leather and he had a designed golf shirt some douche in arizona would wear and this girl’s street-friend came up to them asking for coin and the yuppie guy gave him some, it pissed me off, this chick getting slammed in front of me while i’m eating dinner and tries to get money off me and and fil to “get home” everytime we go to the subway like dude i see you EVERYDAY you do NOT use any of this change to take the subway, you go down the street to a bar and get smashed leave me alone with your fucking lies, maybe if you lied less you would have more money? etcetera.

+++
noel is wild-bored today

fil

pitt

samir