shopping haul from raymi lauren on Vimeo.

first time ever going to macy’s today, i think it was my first time. didn’t buy anything though.

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i am so glad i didn’t get rid of this dress. how stupid would that of been? tres.

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we are having a blast. the girls are bringing me a burrito. going to eat it in two bites. tomorrow is canada day! we are going to wear red and try and cause some mischief no doubt. tonight is a rest night. ooh lets order a movie. mom has all the best photos on her camera. i have handfuls uploaded but i am too dumb right meow to figure out which ones i’ve blogged and haven’t. this blogging shit requires thinking sometimes. ughhhh. remember when i used to spell it ungh? those weren’t the days eh. now i will do my nails and toes. fluorescent pink. hope it looks good.

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once upon a time in a life i used to live i sat beside this argumentative neurotic endearing bafoon at a wedding reception (he hit on me all damn day but i was engaged and then he insisted to debate sarah palin with me) on ward’s island by the name of spencer rice. you may know him as spenny of kenny vs spenny fame.

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i, like you, am a total star fucker in where if you are somebody i want to know you, because i too am somebody. the amount to which i want to know you is inversely proportional to how much i feel you want to know me. if you got raymi’s back then raymi’s got your back all the way too, which is why i am fastidiously speed typing through slow wifi on my precious holiday for this sleazebag old buddy ol pal of mine as his new show SINGLE WHITE SPENNY airs tonight for the very first time at 9.30PM EST and then again at 11.30PM on showcase. i cannot watch it as i am in miami beach with my bloodshot eyeballs lolling around in their sockets nursing a warm can of corona, it, in short, is “the life” one might say. ok where was i with this shill, oh yes, here is an actual review of the show. you have half an hour to get your popcorn and beer together. please let me know how it is and if i want to have anything more to do with this guy, i can’t spill the beans but, yeah, it’s in your best interest to become a liker of all things spenny.

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i’ll brb with pics of my shopping loot. i shopped til i literally dropped through my hangover anxiety attacks oh god. earrings, cupcake necklace, 3 bikinis, a dress, shirts shorts nail polish hell ya. also will show photos of the swanky hotel we just checked into, mad ballin’ place i’ll be plugging the crapola out of it as they’ll be hooking lil miss social media number one blogging sweetheart uppppp. they just gave me a comped fridge too and the last two nights we’re moving to a bigger suite with a terrace. oh joyous rapture.

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girl crawl getting ready from raymi lauren on Vimeo.

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my brains feel like a stomped orange at the moment. classy! we went to the blue martini last night. i practised some burlesque on a riser. dennis rodman was there, we encircled him. more on that later. it’s gross that people can smoke here indoors what is this the nineties? i am collecting stories but have no time to share, hopefully i won’t forget them all. must pack now, we leave for miami. ok bye!

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hello and greetings from myself and my lesbian mothers. off to the beach now.

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lost 40 bucks last night. angry. went to hard rock cafe casino compound. was fun and funny. you can smoke in there. gross. obviously i made a thousand pissed off remarks about my hair smelling like smoke. we got a stage five clinger right off the bat too. didn’t buy us a drink so we peaced him out.

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dad i bought you a present. this isn’t it. however it is beatles-related.

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i’ve stopped fighting for shotgun. when tracey least expects it though, this kid will be sitting in the front arms folded, silent war victorious.

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ernesto won’t let us feed the cat our kippers.

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gahaha exactly.

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search and rescue or something disturbing going on in the water.

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dinner.

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cottage cheese thighs you wish richmond bc.

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it’s a sunny day today so i better split.

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ok bye my mom is being annoying and doing the WE’RE LEAVING crap now so i’ll check in later.

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vanilla ice ice baby lyric came to me. omg we are in the song now. ha. goof.

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changed rooms. you always look rich when you exchange your canuck bucks. all those singles adding up like so haha i snuck in a canadian bill didn’t notice til i hit publish. today was a shopping day, no sun, it’s raining now, still balmy and hot and sticky. it’s off season, which to a canadian sounds stupid cos it’s “too hot” out. we do not take heat for granted.

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i picked some shells but not too many cos i’m not a nerd.

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my ladies.

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this dude is making a beer pong table. that’s his lazy son in the background, whom said he dug the table yesterday. they were dry. we’ve met a lot of dry personality-free people. so far we like ernesto the best.

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my bikini top might have something to do with it though.

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she loved my outfit. obviously. one little girl (5 years oldish) in this surf shop saw me coming and went WOOOOOAH. i love when little kids think you’re a movie star cos you look like you jumped out of a fluorescent rainbow of disneyland punk rock. i just influenced that little girl’s entire future wardrobe as she photographed me with her mind. she’ll draw a picture later on after her nap.

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hahaha.

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i wanted to get these hot pink princess bottoms but i think everyone would make fun of me. this princess shit i do as a joke, and somewhat seriously i dunno, i waffle. perhaps i will be broken down before i leave and get some ridiculous snooki shorts. co-dependent relationship shorts.

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kind of totally wanted to buy it. waste of money. these places gouge you.

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mom’s smoking!

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i like how i only figured out to stuff my straps in on a sunless day.

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competing retarded drinks on the strip.

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and more retarded shit you wouldn’t even buy at home yet on vacation, yes please?

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i might wear my vintage one piece suit with the red white and blue v neck straps on the fourth of july. it’s wool though. we’ll see. for canada day we’ll have to dress like beavers or something to represent.

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my fakebans bit the dust.

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dead soldier.

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tubeflops are a hit and weirding everyone out. the euro chick blonds are the ones who ask where i got them. THE INTERNET IS HOW is what i say.

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these chicks are not a fan of the mystery camera. of course mom didn’t bring her camera cord either.

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the storm seemed like it would blow over and it did. but now it’s raining.

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i am having a shower asap. this chick has two kids. she must bench press them.

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i am getting skinnier.

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getting tax off this was pulling teeth. i would have gotten the bottoms but the guy was a jerk so we pulled down all the bikini tops on the mannequins, which are stacked replete with nipples, grotesque. haha.

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big jugs for the chicks with fake tits?

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i am paranoid of getting into trubs like what’s he gonna do?

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dropped mom off here for a couple hours.

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looking at all the shitty fashions and weird beach stuff made me appreciate my own style more and all the stuff i overpacked. i do not need to buy any more crap. baby what do you want me to bring you home?

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as if your ice cream would come out looking like that.

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maybe i’ll go for a run in the rain? we might go to hard rock tonight. should i ride a mechanical bull? duh. ok i guess i’ll get drunk now and stare at the pool. no more soy milk in my starbucks coffees, soy milk tastes funny in america. undrinkable.

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Dear Raymi,

Alice

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ahhhh you made my morning! more than this hotel coffee, which i think is wreaknig havoc on my innards mexican water style (hopefully). how long have you been reading?

(first part of my response redacted for privacy’s sake) im related to kerouac and am bipolar, my dad’s side of the family is pretty scholarly (british) and i have a strong streak of that from them. i’m just a lucky asshole i think. you’ve given me much to think about. thanks alice. i talk a bit about my writing craft/gift in my book that one day i will publish when i’m done being a loser.

don’t hesitate to write again, you broke the nice ice. wicked.

xo your pal raymi

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this trip was months in the making, planning and weeks in the dreaming of. all my friends going on mini jaunts here and there before me and i am like HI i am going away too i swear. it’s hard to look forward to a trip when it’s not for months but eventually it comes and you can’t believe it. i need more vacations is what i’ve learned. very worth it. we move rooms today and these slobs stole our poolside spot. pool war. no we’re going for a beach cruise to even out our tans. xo raymbo

ok so far we have starved by the pool all day sober. hopefully and possibly i will be coming back 120lbs. awesome.

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i downloaded my shit off mystery camera so here i am the night of the seafoody event. why my one eyeball is trying to reveal my secret sailor moon stature in this snap i do not know.

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i left this suit at home cos there’s splotches all over it like dye or something and it looks dirty. i plan to buy another bikini here. my green monster one i am alredy bored of plus i think it makes me an 8 when clearly i am a 9, sometimes more.

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are you catching the concept of this theme. still can’t play the guitar.

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i can match the painting though.

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teacher probably took care of that mirror smudge for princess by now. would not let me clean so as to soak up all the raymbo time before i skidapped outta town.

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this is about 6 in the morning and our rental company suuuucks.

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we have a sebring convertible though. mom thinks she’s getting shotgun the entire time.

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waiting for flight at niagara airport. we flew spirit. mucho cheap.

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we loved this kid.

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that dude is way too tanned. that’s mom cashed out by the pool.

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view outside our suite.

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i may have overpacked.

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bedroom.

rocking chair loungin’ at niagara falls airport from raymi lauren on Vimeo.

rocking chairs at the airport.

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dope room. now we just need some champagne. though i’m sun drunk enough.

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blurry crib. gorgeous crib.

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before it gets trashed. tomorrow we downgrade to a room with two queen beds and then the next day we leave for miami.

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kay you get the point. the view from this window perch i am typing from is just gorgeous, perfect for spying and judging. i love palm trees. they make me less bitchy.

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ahhhhhh.

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leaving will be hard.

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rental guy was a dick. i went EXCUSE ME CAN YOU HELP US!? he’s like i have another customer (SO DIDN’T!) and i go yeah, so are we. i singlehandedly crammed all our stuff into the car and you’re not to put luggage in the trunk to wreck the convertible roof top thing taking up ALL the room in there. we have to go back to the airport to deal with the insurance. seriously.

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ok gotta go. airport. eat. pool. karaoke. coma.

my hair looks like shit. i don’t care.

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these are the same flowers on our roof deck. we haven’t checked in yet. we rented a convertible. we are in ft lauderdale for a couple nights then we go to miami beach and we are staying at a ballin’ place. will be here for the fourth of july. haven’t had a night’s rest yet. our flight was at 2am. cold flight. got here early, our room isn’t ready yet so we are shanty towning it in this little hidden gem of an estate resort we already have a friend bird that won’t go away and a cat that looks retarded and is a grifter. lizards, ya hi to you too.

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the bottoms of these are already loose saggy underwear bottoms on me. your hero is shrinking. thank god for the motion room i am basically the mobile bellboy with these two chicks. my mom is so lazy i am training her to do things for herself like, oh your suitcase is in the trunk still? no i don’t want to get it no thank you that’s alright, no thank you. i stuffed our shit in the trunk and sat with three huge suitcases in the back seat with hot salty sea air blasting at my neck and zero per cent sleep brain and felt like heaven.

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so far zero hipsters and my bathing suit is confusing people we were passed out like weekend at bernie’s and woke up to tables of people eating special k and bagels staring at us hahaha oh good morning folks we’re your new neighbours.

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i have to get new batteries for my mystery camera and go do a cannonball cos my mom looks too relaxed.

sayonara.