Work stress is making my daughter ill and she does not know who to turn to

My daughter works for a private ­company in the care industry. She is a compliance manager for vulnerable people who live in their own homes with tailored support. She started with the company about five years ago and rose from being a carer to a manager.

However, I am worried about her as she is being physically sick, related to stress, and does not know who to turn to. This is because she was given a phone by her supervisor who did not delete previous text messages. The messages are derogatory about other members of staff including my daughter.

I understand that none of the ­comments are homophobic, racist, ­sexist or ageist, but it has left her in a difficult position.

I am sure you can appreciate the turmoil as she feels undervalued and unsupported while providing a tailored service to people with different needs. This is not good working practice and I am worried as the stress is affecting her health.

Jeremy says
When it comes to their jobs, I feel people fall into one of two extreme ­categories. There are those who are endlessly ­critical and forever complaining, and who talk about resigning at the first hint of an often imaginary slight. And then there are those who believe that to choose to leave a job, whatever the circumstances, is evidence of failure on their part. From what you tell me, I ­suspect your daughter may be in the ­second category.

The company she works for is no longer the company she joined. A new CEO has been appointed, the ­director who was presumably responsible for your daughter’s promotion wants to step back and the place is clearly ­riddled with gossip and uncertainty. The ­derogatory messages on her phone are just one example of what is surely a wider malaise. And even if the plan to get rid of existing managers and bring in replacements from the new CEO’s ­previous company is not so much a plan as another rumour, the atmosphere in the place must be pretty poisonous.

I imagine your daughter is acutely aware of the vulnerable people in her care and the sense of responsibility she feels towards them. This must make any thought she might have of ­leaving the company seem even more of a ­surrender. But you can help her ­understand that the ­responsibility for those people lies with the company; that if she continues to put her health at risk she will be of ­limited value to them anyway; and that perhaps a principled act of resignation, with written, factual reasons reported directly to the board, could be the most positive action she could take on their behalf.

I have little doubt she should leave, but she should do so with her head held high. The care industry, more than ever, needs people like her. There are better places for her to make a contribution.

Readers say

• No job is worth this – give notice and rely on skills to find a better employer. The care industry has a deservedly bad reputation and inevitable rapid turnover of staff. All the best. PatriciaPJ

• If she has had five years’ experience she should be in good position to look for another job. Perhaps leaving quietly with a good reference is more ­productive than causing a scene at her current workplace. While this may not feel like the right thing to do, she needs to look after herself first. Lspencer

• She could negotiate a no-fault ­settlement for breach of fidelity and trust by the employer with the help of a solicitor. If it is making her ill, she should also get signed off by her GP. Your daughter may feel under the ­spotlight, but it is the employer who needs the spotlight. fworcs

I’m 72 and want to keep working, but my age is putting off likely employers

I am 72 and an internationally ­recognised expert in my field. I am approached regularly by headhunters and also apply for suitable vacancies. Both these approaches lead to initial strong interest but eventually nothing comes of it. On asking for feedback it would appear that the likely reason for my failure is simply my age.

This is dispiriting and unfair in an area where my skills are much sought after, and I feel no different physically or in my brainpower.

I am sure that as we are all having to or, as with myself, wanting to work longer, ageism is likely to rear its head more and more. Or perhaps it is simply something we just worry about and fear as we get older, which could put many off even applying for a job or being forced into casual work where they can lie about their age.

So how do you handle it when you do your job as well as you ever did but you fear the lines on your face give away your age?

Jeremy says
As is so often the case, you might find it helpful to put yourself in the place of a potential employer. You find yourself short of certain skills and set out to recruit someone to replace them. Of the five on your shortlist, three are in their thirties and forties, one is 55 and one is 72. You’re hoping that ­whoever you recruit will be with you for a ­considerable time. No one else in your company is over 65.

Assuming that at least three of the candidates seem equally qualified in terms of skills and personality, you need to narrow your choice and you can see why you would be inclined to eliminate the 72-year-old. It’s neither ageist nor unfair; it just makes sense.

I suspect you will stand a better chance of continuing to be paid for your ­expertise if you position yourself not as a full-time, salaried employee but as a specialist consultant preferring to work on a per diem basis.

From an employer’s point of view, this means they will be able to reap the benefit of your experience ­without having to fit you into an existing ­corporate structure.

Readers say
• This looks like a situation where the gig economy could be used ­successfully. ­ Employers won’t want to give a ­long-term commitment to someone so old, but I bet they will jump at the chance to take advantage of your experience on a ­contract basis. So I’d become self-employed and use some of that ­international recognition. boston

• My mum is in her early seventies and still works. She is employed through a temp agency – it is a zero-hours ­contract technically, but she is placed with ­companies that need a 9-5 person to cover a set period of time (eg maternity cover). She is clerical so is possibly easier to place than a specialist role. But it may be worth checking whether there are any recruitment firms specialising in your field that could place you on a fixed-term or contract basis. Stroppimare