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The #theysaid movement unearths painful memories of body shaming

Published: June 2 2017 - 12:39PM

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There is a point, usually at around the second bottle of wine, when a catch-up with a close friend turns into an informal relationship audit.

What have we learned from our past mistakes? Why did we date aimless drifters in our 20s? And whatever happened to that guy you dated who was developing a dog-walking app? Has he moved out of home yet?

And then there are the stories of body shaming. As predictable as the doomed relationship tales comes the recounting of the dreadful, hurtful comments others have made about our bodies.

Sometimes these barbs come from other women, but the comments that hurt most came from men in the supposed sanctum of a relationship or the bedroom.

Like the time a guy told a London friend of mine, post sex, she would be more attractive if she lost 10 kilograms. Or the bloke who told one of my university friends that he didn't date anyone larger than a size 12. When she challenged him on this appalling statement he told her it wasn't his fault that he "had a type".

Another British friend told me an ex would grab her waist and pointedly squeeze the fat. He didn't actually say anything, but he didn't have to.

This evolved into a regular pattern of non-verbal body shaming where this particular catch would grab parts of her he deemed too flabby and prod them while he prattled on about what his plans were for later that day. Pure sociopath.

Another university friend grew up in a household where one of her brothers constantly called her "ugly" and her body "gross". She married the first guy who was nice to her at 21.

I have my own stories.

A male friend, who is no longer a friend, once looked at a photograph of me and asked how "fat I was at that time in my life".

I once reneged on a date with a guy because he seemed unhealthily obsessed with dating a skinny girl.

"How much do you weigh?" he asked. "No, don't tell me. Let me guess ..."

It's not just men who police women's bodies in this way. I've had women tell me they think I am getting too skinny and inform me that, "you know, men don't like skinny girls".

It's no surprise that the hashtag #TheySaid started trending a couple of days ago on Twitter, which has become a stream of crap things people have said about women's bodies.

"You're fat as a truck." "Thunder thighs." "You look disgusting." I was seven. Change must happen. Not soon. Now.#bodyimage #TheySaid

#Theysaid "You're built like my sisters, and once they had kids they got fat. You'll have to watch out so you don't too." - my dad

#TheySaid is the best worst thing today. We need to change the convo abt women + their bodies; also brings back SO many painful memories

It was kicked off by Sally Bergesen, CEO of sportswear company Oiselle, when she tweeted a comment her father made to her when she was 12, namely that if she kept "eating like that" she would turn into a "butterball". Her tweet prompted a tsunami of similar tweets from other women reporting their body shaming stories. 

"Keep eating like that and you're going to be a butterball." My Dad when I was 12. Pls RT and share a body shaming comment. #TheySaid

The #theysaid movement is depressing and heartening; a kind of internet sorority of shared horror stories on the finely sharpened insults that are designed to wound women with surgical precision and put them in their place.

It matters not how confident you are. I have more bottle than most, but I have often felt people's bafflement, rather than admiration, that I seem to more or less like myself. The comments have come when I was both fit and lean and when I barely exercised. If you don't police your body with the standard load of horror and hatred, then others will try and do it for you.

The epidemic of body shaming leaves lifelong scars, turning intimacy into a scary proposition and sex into a self-conscious act. One of my friend's most painful stories happened well over a decade ago, but I can see the ache remains fresh.

Understandably, many women enter intimate relationships with a cautious step. They're hoping their bodies, which they have been led to believe are singularly and catastrophically unlovable, will be accepted by the men they're getting naked with.

What I find continually shocking is just how many of us have been body shamed, whether it be from a lover or a husband or even a family member or so-called friend.

And if you doubt me, grab a bottle of wine with a female friend and wait until the third or fourth glass for the stories to pour forth.

This story was found at: http://www.theage.com.au/lifestyle/news-and-views/opinion/the-theysaid-movement-unearths-painful-memories-of-body-shaming-20170601-gwi1uk.html