Check Out Advice Piece I Wrote About Sex, Love, & The Politics of Dating for Nasty Gal / #GirlBoss Blog:
“Alexi Wasser Schools Us on Sex, Marriage, & Everything in Between. Her brutally honest advice will make you feel like a bonafide badass.” Click here for article.
the blind leading the blind (part 139:)
1. let people miss you. give them that gift.
2. hey stream of consciousness texters, how about you fit ALL the info you want to express in ONE chunky text! The beeps from you fucking texting me are making me hate you!
3.it’s ok, you’re fat. just stop hating yourself and TALKING ABOUT IT and we’ll be fine!
4. it doesn’t matter how much you love the jeans or how great they fit; if the denim wash sux, you CAN’T buy them. YOU JUST CAN’T!
5. look around you. you probably have everything you need. you’re probably indulging in food and buying things you have no need for that you might even already own. How about you start asking yourself if something is a ‘want’ vs ‘need’ before you consume consume consume. i swear to gawd, you’ll start to notice the quiet weird voice inside your head that compels you to buy stuff.
6. sometimes a good way to see what kind of guy/girl your dealing with is to cancel a date with them and then see how they react. You can get a real sense of how insane a person’s ego is when you cancel on them. It’s enough to make you NEVER want to reschedule!
7. if you’re in a long distance relationship (which aren’t real relationships anyway btw) and he only sees you 3 days a month and chooses going home to be with his cats instead of you, you should start re-evaluating your relationship and start looking for a guy who loves you & wants to be with you as much as he loves and wants to be with his cats. Actually, scratch that, NEVER date a guy with cats AGAIN! And ONLY date men who live in the same city as you!
8. the internet may be hurting our social skills, but it’s really improving our ability to defend ourselves in writing because we’re constantly forced to explain our misunderstood texts/tweets/fb comments/& status updates. i mean, sure we could just pick up the phone to avoid a miscommunication / diffuse the written misunderstanding in an instant… but that would be TOO easy.
9. a guy who wants to call a girl, and has her #, but is too shy to call her…is either an ADORABLE feeler of feelings with a sensitive heart of gold OR a total pussy. Guys: Don’t risk being mislabeled and just call the girl!
10. if you happen to be dating someone as insecure as you but who doesn’t respond to your insecure jokes/need for validation/moments of weakness the same accommodating way you do with theirs – instead of focusing on the fact that they can’t see the double standard in your relationship or that he may be subconsciously allergic to weakness in others/terrified by insecure needy women and the threat of being enmeshed by them like he may have been by his mother… INSTEAD, if you really like him and know how great you are, use his reaction to you when you’re needy and use the relationship as a whole as a tool to be stronger and not seek validation from a guy/a person you’re dating or anyone! ever! get out of the habit! be better! rise above the need to be reassured by someone; rise above giving someone your power. fuck this guy! fuck anyone else! sure you hope to be vulnerable and insecure and raw with the person you date, but if he can’t handle it, but you can handle his needs… be the bigger person. it will make you better and stronger and less weak. it’ll open your heart to being loving and understanding of his neediness without expecting the same in return. i mean, this doesn’t mean he’s not supportive and wonderful; i’m just referring to an aspect of men that don’t respond well/and turn off like a robot to neediness. one day, maybe he’ll soften. maybe he’ll notice the inequality. maybe he’ll laugh at your jokes that stem from insecurity, like you do with his- without taking you so seriously. but, in the end, his inability will make you stronger and provide a great opportunity and life lesson for you to retrain your brain and stop leading with insecurities. just be happy and live in the moment and know you’re great and liked and loved without having to ask/question it. pay attention to his actions. the good things he DOES do! listen to your intuition. and know your worth all on your own. be grounded in you. don’t ever walk on eggshells, but pick your battles. and never forget what your FRIENDS are for… to unload all the excess bullshit you can’t tel the person you’re dating!
the state of being single
a journal entry i wrote a few months post my most recent gut wrenching, soul crushing, heart breaking break up:
I am a single woman living in Los Angeles. I just got out of a serious relationship with a guy I was madly in love with. It ended because… well, suffice it to say, it ended. The point is, I’m single again.
Technically; I’m open to dating, I’m allowed to do whatever I want; I’m tethered to no one and nothing, but no one seems interesting to me. At least not as interesting as my ex was. And even though what I’m about to say is totally healthy and great, it’s completely foreign to me: I love being alone. let me be clear, i’m not saying i usually prefer to be in a relationship… not at all. those are few and far between, what i’m saying is, that at the moment… I love NOT dating. I love not having sex and talking, texting with guys i don’t care about who i know don’t and will never care about me in a real way. i love not dealing with any of the aspects of ‘the search’ – be it a search to get off or the search for something deeper. At this moment, I am the most interesting and inspiring thing in my life. I have a million things to do, write, see, make, experience and plenty of friends and family who I barely have time to fit into my schedule as it is. Maybe I should start waking up earlier? And yet my curiosity to meet men, make out, feel desirable, flirt, sex and date is so deeply engrained in me. it feels bizarre NOT to be doing it. I’m addicted to the search. We all are. Aren’t we? Stay with me as I try to process all my contradictory feelings.
I love being alone, but I hope to one day find magic again.
It’s a funny thing, ‘love’; both people involved have to be hit just as hard for it to be the type of love story romance to stop you in your tracks and make you say “fuck, this is undeniable. I MUST be with this person. They enhance life!” The level of attraction has to be reciprocal; hitting both parties at the same time, in the same bizarre/intense way, so it’s magic. At least that’s the kind of love that stops me from continuing my journey as a single person. If it isn’t that, why bother? Being single is too great to stop to be with someone you’re only luke warm about.
At this point in my life, as a newfound single again; getting drunk & having sex with a virtual stranger or at the very least, guys I know are most definitely NOT in love with me, who WILL NEVER BE in love with me, who clench their eyes shut to avoid any/all possibility of eye contact while sexxxing me… isn’t as exciting as it used to be. Ya know?
And going on a first date with a guy I already know I like less than he likes me, feels horrible too, cuz every date is just one step closer to him sexxxing me or at least thinking he’ll be able to. So why waste everyone’s time or end up in a situation that could have been avoided?
Right now my main priority is not to buy a house, get married, have kids, and settle down. My goals aren’t even to fall in love or have sex. Who am I?! When did this happen?! My main priorities are to challenge myself, be creative, focus on my career, pay my bills, go to the beach, make more friends, spend time with my pre-existing friends, do things that scare me, learn, work on myself, continue to find things that leave me inspired, etc.
At times, the thought of being in a relationship even stresses me out. Just because someone puts their attention on me and chooses me doesn’t mean I have to jump at the opportunity, as if I should be so lucky?
I find myself having to dodge being in lack luster relationships with guys who are lovely but just don’t do it for me in the way I need doing. It’s not their fault or mine, I’d just rather be alone than have the safety of knowing there’s a warm body in bed next to me; because while we’re ultimately always alone (we born & die alone) we’re also NEVER really alone. Don’t underestimate male friends, your girlfriends, family, people watching, conversations in passing with strangers, etc. Voids can be filled. Build your own support system/new familial structure. Some of my LONELIEST most unhappy moments have been while in a not quite right relationship. More specifically, while laying next to the guy in bed, or during silent car rides together.
Until I stumble upon my ‘be all, end all person’ (which is subjective & only I’ll know it when I see/feel it) who is so undeniable to me… I’m gonna continue being selfish. I don’t want to put myself in front of someone and metaphorically ask them to accept me, cuz 1. I don’t give a shit if they do or don’t, and 2. That would mean, I’d have to accept them! And, I don’t have it in me! Relationships require a LOT of energy and consideration if you’re gonna do it right.
And at the moment, I don’t want to accept, compromise, be interested, make conversation, feign interest, be sexed, touched by anyone, not be my flirty or inquisitive self in public; i don’t want to be conscious & considerate of a partners feelings, come home early instead of late. I don’t want to have to wait to eat and check in with someone and say “Hey, have you eaten yet? Should I wait for you and we’ll eat together?”
I mean, I’m clearly in a mood as I write this and I could change my mind or more fittingly, my feelings, about this tomorrow. HOWEVER, currently… I am the most interesting, inspiring thing to me. My therapist thinks this is a good thing. Perhaps I should continue this feeling even after my A-sexual, closed off phase ends. Me putting myself first . Me being so grounded in myself.
It’s a conundrum. I don’t want to close myself off. I do love people, and I want to meet new ones, and leave myself open to loving and being loved by someone who I could have that magic with, who I’ve yet to meet and have no idea exists. So, despite all my self righteousness and saying ‘I love being alone’: I will continue to feel this way, but i’ll do it AS I date & throw myself into the world.
That almost seems like the best way to date. That way I don’t bank on someone else to complete me.
I’m a romantic. I LOVE being in love. I even love the days when the oxytocin and dopamine have worn away, and what you have is a real partnership/intimacy. A best friend. I love having ‘my person’ if you will. But that doesn’t have to mean I detest being single. Both are wonderful for different reasons.
I have no idea what’s gonna happen. In moments of weakness when I notice all the boneheads aka ‘the men I don’t connect with’ like I did with my ex. I think, fuck… maybe the devil I know is better than the devil I don’t and I consider getting back into my monogamous long distance thing. But, that only lasts a moment before I get back to remembering that there’s too much to do and being single is great.
I have faith I’ll meet my next love just as suddenly and unexpectedly as I did my last. And if I don’t, that’s fine too. I’ll just adopt a baby, become a lesbian, learn to be a pilattes instructor, and move to Hawaii! See? There are a MILLION different ways! And there’s no rush either.
On a side note, my friends (who are totally cool & NOT lame/ugly/losers at ALL) keep telling me to get on a dating app like they are. Um, I’ve always been very ANTI that, but I feel like being anti dating apps makes me sound like a lame grandma and not futuristic. While I have zero expectations, which is the preferable way to go about dating, maybe i should get out of my comfort zone and date via all different avenues (irl, apps, etc) & meet all types of people & then report back to you guys? Hmm… to be continued.
the blind leading the blind (part 138):
1. if your boyfriend starts responding to your texts with TLDR, it’s over.
2. how about you wipe the blood off your tweezers before your hot date comes over and uses your bathroom?
3. when you go on auditions, the goal is to sound like real people, right? can someone please tell the girls who work retail to have the same goal?
4. if you always sit in front of your laptop with photo booth open, you’re never really alone.
5. if you could take or leave seeing the person you’re dating… END IT. (same rule applies to how you feel after a 1st date)
6. you should never text someone if you can’t handle them NOT responding.
7. girls, how can you not be aware of the great disservice you’re doing to yourself when checking your phone in the dark, either at da club or just in public in general? That harsh light on your face from below is BRUTAL! BRUTAL! The goal is to give yourself the best chance/shot at life possible and not stand in your own way/be your own worst enemy. thank you.
8. next time your friend asks you if you know someone, just say ‘yes’ or ‘no’. don’t immediately launch into a character assassination of a person they may actually really like. but if they ask you what you think of that person… that’s another story.
9. patience is athletic. it’s a muscle. strengthen it every chance you get.
10. when going on a date, no matter how trustworthy your date seems, always pack your phone charger & assume there’s a good chance you might be pushed out of the car and abandoned, or have to break free from the clutches of a mad man- in which case, you’ll need your goddamn phone charger! Isn’t dating fun?
a brief meditation on dating:
to meet someone who doesn’t smoke but ISN’T vegan, who’s about your height, a badass, interesting, smart, communicative, funny, doesn’t do drugs – but drinks, has a career, LOVES coffee, who is not only good at sex but has a hip/cool/exciting ‘new york approach’ & is totally unselfconscious about it/ is daring/ kisses & sexxxes in the morning too, is driven and talented, likes his mom & your cat, who can go anywhere & is not an uncool liability, with mutual friends who all LOVE him to death, with a BIG private AND good style, who you met NOT on an app… is pretty exciting 💘
Friend Alexi
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