On 'cultural sensitivity' and Guantanamo Bay: Someone needs to get the message across to these sensitive military officers: Guantánamo needs to be closed down now, before the next tragedy.

On the supposedly humane execution method of lethal injection

The quality of mercy: Hollywood seems obsessed with Death Row these days. The plot inevitably begins with a horrific murder, a suspect is identified, and a death sentence imposed. Being Hollywood, the condemned is generally innocent and, thanks to an inspirational young lawyer, justice almost always prevails after an obligatory courtroom climax.

Finding a life's vocation: A Supreme Court Justice once referred to our rather desperate gaggle of capital defence lawyers as ‘Death Row Guerrillas’ and, being no fan of Che Guevera, he did not mean it as a compliment.

(Disclaimer: This is a work of satire. The author cannot be held responsible for any suspicion that it may in fact be at least as sensible as anything the government have come up with.)

You see the signs all the time, if you are the sort of person attuned to notice them. 'Dogs must be carried on the Underground', they say. I can't say i haven't breathed a sigh of relief that this is never enforced - going to London is enough of a faff without having to borrow a dog to carry around all day. I believe, however, that were this rule enforced, it would solve our perceived terrorism problem in an instant.

Think about it. If everybody had to carry a dog in order to use the Tube, it would reduce the numbers on each train to begin with. The prospects for suicide bombing would be reduced, as with a dog in one's rucksack there is no room for a bomb. Furthermore, Islamic fundamentalists would be deterred, as they don't go a bundle on our canine companions anyway. (Learning to love dogs, by the way, should probably be a core part of citizenship training, being one of those peculiarly English traits which make the English so peculiar.) Members of the BNP, meanwhile, could be easily identified by their distinctive bulldogs with union jack collars, and could thus be avoided or picked out by a trained marksman in a shot. As an added bonus, the charming doggy habit of piddling in innapropriate places could be put to good use in case of an incendary attack.

Next week: why ducks should rule the world.

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