It's easy to attribute people's success to their hard work, intellect and talent, all of which are factors that conveniently ignore an unacknowledged ingredient of their success: the help they received along the way.
In her latest book, The Art of Asking, performer Amanda Palmer writes that "when you examine the genesis of great works of art, successful start-ups, and revolutionary shifts in politics, you can always trace back a history of monetary and non-monetary exchange, the hidden patrons and underlying favours".
Her message is simply that we should accept help when it's offered and actively seek it and request it. It's when we worry that by asking for help we'll be perceived as weak, or that we'll be seen as imposters, or that our request will be turned down, that we end up losing out on vital assistance when we most need it.
In research due to be published next month, scholars from a trio of respected universities (Stanford, Cornell, and HEC Paris), report on a number of studies that which there's another major reason we refrain from seeking help: We doubt the quality of assistance we're going to receive.
One of their experiments involved participants who had to ask others for help to answer a series of trivia questions. There were 75 questions in total. Before seeking support, the participants were required to predict the quality of help they would generate. In every instance, they underestimated the outcome.
They expected people would only be bothered answering an average of 25 questions before giving up. But they actually ended up answering an average of 49 – almost twice as many. The participants also expected people would answer just 19 of those questions correctly. But they ended up answering an average of 45 correctly – more than twice what they had predicted.
In another experiment, the researchers ran an online simulation in which almost 200 people participated. It involved a scenario whereby a work colleague was asked for help in preparing for an presentation. The researchers then analysed the emotions that the helpers and the help-seekers encountered as they tried to work together.
What emerged, again, was that help-seekers underestimated the extent to which they would be aided. But just as intriguing was the reason they underestimated it so badly. In short, they just didn't realise how uncomfortable others would be in saying no. Those who needed help expected to be turned down frequently when, in reality, those being asked for help felt too guilty withholding assistance.
And not for the reasons you might think. The reluctance at rejecting requests for help was, according to the study, not because people worry they're going to look selfish and uncaring but because they're concerned that, if they don't provide assistance, the help-seeker's dilemma would likely worsen. They do care.
In her book, Palmer uses the example of Steve Jobs to highlight that many people glorify his accomplishments without crediting the help he regularly received. "Every artist and entrepreneur I know," she writes, "has a story of a mentor, teacher, or unsung patron who loaned them money, space, or some kind of strange, ass-saving resource. Whatever it took."
Hey, even Jobs admitted it: "I've always found something to be very true, which is most people don't get those [advantages] because they never ask. I've never found anybody that didn't want to help me if I asked them for help … Most people never ask. And that's what separates sometimes the people who do things from the people that just dream about them."
James Adonis is the author of How To Be Great.
Those who needed help expected to be turned down frequently when, in reality, those being asked for help felt too guilty withholding assistance.
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