I get uncomfortable around Mother's Day. I'm calling it an alienating weirdness. It's not just the aggressive marketing that bombards you for the month beforehand, it's also how some beauty advertisers (and department store counters) operate.
It's as if they're under the assumption that every mother is yearning for a vanilla-scented candle, a perfume from the 1970s and a rose-flavoured bath lotion to you know, slather on, before stepping into her felt slippers. Look, I'm not calling those gifts unpleasant, I'm just saying that the advertising ideal of a simpering mum who loves Neil Diamond and doesn't care what you give her, as long as it's cream-coloured and smells like lavender, is no longer the dominant one.
![Enough of the basic body lotions and candles. Your mum deserves gifts that reflect her personality.](/web/20170511030036im_/http://www.smh.com.au/content/dam/images/g/w/1/h/a/g/image.related.articleLeadwide.620x349.gw1cd4.png/1494387448289.jpg)
But what's weirder still is that even though, according to some ads, all her interests line up with what your grandma was interested in a decade ago, she never looks a day over 39. Oh, she may have grey hair, but her skin resembles that of Lily Rose Depp.
You know that catalogue mum in her cream satin PJs poking through a fluffy robe, cupping a mug of tea, mouth half open in an indulgent laugh, white teeth gleaming. Perhaps she's in bed, surrounded by croissants, a Labrador puppy, a square-jawed husband, and exquisite children, who are serving orange juice. It's low-key alarming that nobody has a single stain on their clothing even though they are essentially playing with fire by having all of these hazards in one bed.
Or, perhaps she's huddled up on the beach in a grey knit, blonde hair blown softly by the wind. Her children are young teens, which is weird, because she looks 25. Maybe she's wearing a white, fluttery blouse in a garden, looking somehow both coquettish and serene as she inhales roses.
In other words, the Mother's Day mum is basic. Oh, the gift guide says "for every type of mum" and they mean it – every type of mum who loves the cashmere-feel of coconut body lotion and an oil diffuser smelling of lilies.
With all of this in mind, may I present the alternative list, for non-basic mums.
1.The Bullshit Candle $127 from Mecca.
Don't worry! The name does not reflect the fragrance. The creators of this extraordinarily stylish, minimalist black candle just wanted to call bullshit on those vague, basic candle names. It's actually wonderfully warm, a traditional mix of sichuan pepper, grapefruit, tangerine, lavender, rose, lily of the valley, musk, tonka bean, vanilla and guaiac wood. Yeah, it's layered. Because mums are human, too OK?
2. Tom Ford Lip Colour in Spanish Pink, RRP $78/Tom Ford Cream Cheek Color in Pink Sand, RRP $105 available from www.davidjones.com.au
On the surface, this seems a little cliched, I mean, it's makeup. But the packaging – luxurious black and gold – is slightly edgier than your typical "bath salts and powder" gift pack. And the other more important thing is that Tom Ford digs strong women. Usually over the age of 35. For proof, check out Amy Adams and Laura Linney in his most recent film, Nocturnal Animals, (it's excellent). Or better yet, watch it with your super strong mum. It's equal parts terrifying and tender, with excellent style, which, c'mon, you know who else is.
3. Evo "The Hairy Godmother" Gift Box – "Repair" $65.90
This uber-cool hair care company use only the best for all their products, which means this gift box, consisting of shampoo, conditioner and "working spray" is free of all the usual junk like sulphates, parabens and other chemicals. Allow me to quote the gift box blurb because it's what every new mother needs to read, "We've seen the future, a glowing sunrise waits you, you shimmy into the shower." See that? One day you'll shower!
This is expensive but your mother is a sensual being! She has needs and desires and you'd better accept this if you want to move about the world with any kind of understanding of exactly how you came into it!
But, while you're marching for women's pleasure, please also never forget boundaries, yeah? What I'm saying is body oil is fine, lingerie is not. But you're in a safe space as this body oil, made from 11 different plant and flower oils) is a cult product, (Oprah uses it, need I say more?) and it recently made Goop's golden list of spesh ones that are "clean" (read: also free of unnatural chemicals).
5. Estee Lauder Revitalising Supreme + Cell Power Wake Up Balm $98 available from www.esteelauder.com.au
Lonely is the fool who buys prescriptive skin care for his mother, but happy is the over-worked, time-poor, tired woman with improved skin. (That's all of us). What to do? Beats me, she's your mum – find a way! It's lighting in a bottle. Like, it literally contains light-reflecting pearls for instant radiance and anti-ageing technology, leaving skin instantly fresh and glowing.
6. Circa Home Limited Edition Forest Berries & Fig Classic Candle 260g $32.95, available from www.circahome.com.au, and...
7. Glasshouse Fragrances Tahaa Perfect Pair set – Glasshouse Fragrances 30g candle and 100ml Diffuser Set of vanilla fragrance with fresh coconut and frankincense. $34.95, available from www.glasshousefragrances.com
I've derided the Basic Mum here, but you know something? I'm partial to the odd vanilla-scented, fig infused stuff myself. So, here's an example of the aforementioned "basic" stuff for mothers – nay, all of us women, who are layered as any fragrance, as iconic as any lipstick, as supple as any body oil!
OK, that's it. I went too far. Happy Mother's Day.