OF COURSE
Newly 40-year-old actress books first of 8,169 probiotic yogurt commercials
Reginald’s agent went on to say that this marks the first of roughly 8,169 similar jobs she can look forward to at this new and thrilling stage in her acting career.
Sophie Kohn
IGNORANT
Man terrified of Islam gets 3/100 on 'How Much Do You Know About Islam?' Facebook quiz
During the quiz, Hugh was heard to exclaim aloud after at least 40 of his incorrect answers, “Uhhh, definitely something wrong with your quiz there, folks.”
POLITICS
New Addams Family reboot releases first cast photo
Producers released the first cast photo yesterday, featuring the group behind a desk in the White House, presumably for some sort of gimmick episode.
FESTIVALS
Hologram of Tupac hologram to headline Coachella
Nick Nemeroff
EXERCISE
New yoga class to incorporate phone-friendly poses
Allana Reoch
OP-ED
What ever happened to a simple, old-fashioned, unicorn-themed cup of black coffee?
BUDGET TRAVEL
WestJet launches no-frills airline to be called 'Air Canada'
THE WEED NUMBER
Happy 4/20 from the spray-on cologne makers of North America
DAD ROCK
Original Fathers of Confederation announce Canada 150 reunion tour
Ned Petrie
EUGH
American dairy shortage traced to Mike Pence's 60-litre-a-day skim habit
PAPA COACH
John Gibbons, Mike Babcock, and Dwane Casey prepare for their set at Coachella
BILL O'REILLY
Man somehow deemed too awful for even Fox News
HEALTH
Friendly doctor suddenly initiates small talk in middle of prostate exam for some godforsaken reason
Ned Petrie
WOW THANKS
Horror movie protagonist credits survival to advice shouted by viewer
BREXIT
Queen Elizabeth II stuns public by entering British election
BLUE JAYS
Russell Martin batting average dips to 'Trump approval ratings' level
AGAIN?
United bumps co-pilot from overbooked flight
POLITICS
'I am a feminist,' Justin Trudeau tells local ATM
RUFF DAY
'Why did you bring me here' asks dog in bank
Jon Schabl
RISEN INDEED
Easter gains popularity as being briefly dead in a cave grows more appealing
HOLIER-THAN-THOU
Jesus Christ still 'kinda miffed' by the name 'Good Friday'
Sarah Howden
SHOW STILL SUCKS
Kathleen Wynne and PM team up to find their lost election promises in new season of 'Trudeau-tective'
IS IT POSSIBLE?
New 'Fast and the Furious' movie features surprisingly lifelike Vin Diesel
FROSTY
Shivering friends pretend to enjoy nine-degree patio
Andrew Barr