Memo
To: All staff, JB's Omni Hyper Global Corp.
Re: Christmas Party
It has come to the attention of the CEO that some staff have been disgracing themselves before the appropriate time, that is, before the corporation's annual Christmas party. Notwithstanding his appointment by the board to the position of tyrant-in-chief, JB does not like to think of himself as a tyrant. He is happy to be paid as one, but not thought of as one.
It thereby pains him to call out two employees of JB's Omni Hyper Global Corp in particular for their poor attitude and even poorer behaviour leading into the festive season, specifically the dog and the cat. And seeing as the dog and the cat constitute 100 per cent of the permanent staff of the corporation, working in HQ directly under the supervision, and as often as not the desk and the feet of JB, you can understand his disappointment.
The dog, it has been noted, has of late been pushing the envelope of the corporation's very generous policy as regards in-office flatulence, and it is the opinion of the CEO that this can only be a result of the dog's unauthorised scoffing of the cat's breakfast in addition to its own above-award servings. The dog has been warned on more than one occasion that the cat's generic loaf of fish heads and chicken giblets is not to be stolen lest we have a repeat of the incident with the shag pile carpet in JB's office.
The cat, meanwhile, is to restrict itself to said loaf, and to cease forthwith the practice of bringing into the office small, unidentified protein sources which in a former life may or may not have constituted the neighbours' prized colony of Dwarf Campbell Russian hamsters.
The CEO understands it has been a long year and everyone has worked very hard. JB would like the office to celebrate as it does every year, with a treat from the hot chicken shop down the road, and a bowl or saucer or two of beer and/or Tia Maria according to the tastes of each staff member.
However, there are still books to write and columns to file and there will be no Christmas party if the whole company goes under because a couple of employees dropped the ball, or didn't even chase it in the first place because they were too busy upchucking stolen fish-n-giblet loaf into the shag-pile, or hiding unfinished hamster bits in the stationary cupboard.
The CEO would further like it understood that harassment of any sort will not be tolerated at this year's function, and yes, he's looking at you, dog.
There is no world in which the cat wants its butt sniffed by you. This remains as true after a bowl of special Christmas beer, as it was before.
And cat, if JB finds you throwing up in the cupboard again, you'll be out. Whether or not the dog offers to clean up after you.
Keep these things in mind and JB is sure we can all enjoy a merry and responsible office Christmas party.
______
And as a little Christmas treat from me, here's a generous dollop of my next book, for you. Free.Â
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