My boss wrongly thinks I complained to HR and is making my life unbearable

I recently started a well-paid and interesting job. Shortly after joining, one of the team provided highly critical feedback about our manager to HR, anonymously.

My manager thinks it was me (because I am new) and is making my life unbearable.

I know who the feedback was from but haven’t told them. HR has said it doesn’t want to betray the confidence that was put in it by clarifying the situation. 

This is all extremely stressful. I want to leave, but need the money.

Jeremy says

You find yourself, unfairly, in a horribly difficult position. My first instinct was for you to have another conversation with HR – it is, after all, their responsibility to sort such matters out.

You shouldn’t ask them to reveal the name of the person who provided this critical feedback – I can quite see how this would betray the confidence of the whistleblower – but I can see no reason why HR couldn’t give a categorical assurance to the manager it wasn’t you.

The manager’s suspicions might then be diverted elsewhere, but at least you would no longer be in the line of fire. It’s certainly worth trying.

I hesitate only because, whichever way you look at it, this manager of yours does seem to be an unpleasant sort of person. We don’t know the details of the highly critical feedback and we can’t know whether the criticism was justified or not. But we do know that the manager’s behaviour since being informed of the anonymous feedback has been inexcusable. Even if the manager had identified the right person it would have been inexcusable.

So even if the manager can be convinced that you were not the “culprit”, and so stops making your working life unbearable, you’ll still be left working for someone who’s clearly temperamentally unsuited to the job.

You don’t have to jump ship with no job to go to. But you might be wise to start testing the market.

Readers say

• What happened isn’t your problem, it’s HR’s. All you need do is simply keep saying that your manager is mistreating you because of a mistaken belief that you did something you didn’t – and insist that HR deals with it. Kerry12

• Make a complaint to the HR department claiming that its refusal to confirm that it was not you is causing you grief. It is a backhanded way of making a complaint about your manager, who then cannot continue to persecute you without getting into trouble. Will D

• Keep a diary and contemporaneous file notes of what you consider to be unacceptable behaviour. This has the potential to be important in the future if this manager’s behaviour doesn’t change. RobRoy1975

Should I take a new job as a Tefl teacher in South Korea or pursue postgrad study?

I graduated almost seven years ago and, since then, have worked in sales and business development, backpacked and spent just over the last three years working as a Tefl teacher in Spain. 

I have been offered a teaching position in South Korea that is well paid and would be a new experience. Although I have enjoyed working in Tefl, I am uncertain whether I want to remain in education and I am having serious doubts. I graduated in geography, and have always been interested in working with the built environment – whether urban planning or landscape architecture. I feel taking the job in South Korea would be another year on the wrong path, but I lack the funds to pursue postgraduate study.

South Korea offers me a great chance to save for the coming year, which would, in theory, pay for any postgraduate courses, but even with this, I worry that I will graduate at 30 with no relevant work experience.

Another idea would be to combine my passion for travel and try to work my way up into a travel company, eventually outside the role of just a travel agent. However, I do not know how possible this would be. 

I am feeling very confused and the lack of information and money is making it very difficult to make an informed decision.

Jeremy says

I think it’s probably time – in fact, it’s probably long past time – that you made one simple decision. You’ve been interested in working with the building environment – in urban planning and landscape architecture – for the best part of 10 years: that’s why you chose to take a degree in geography. And you say that you’re still interested. Yet in the almost seven years since you graduated, you seem to have made no serious attempt to find employment which matched that interest. Instead, you’ve been attracted to the immediate pleasures of travel and Tefl – although you doubt that you want to remain in education.

You now need to decide: do you, or do you not, intend to make a career that makes use of your long-term interest and your degree? If you take up that teaching offer in South Korea, you’ll simply be postponing that decision for yet another year.

I’m far from certain that to embark on a career involved with urban planning, or the landscape, would necessarily need a postgraduate qualification. Your degree in geography should be quite enough for certain roles. If you do your research thoroughly enough, you could well find openings, for example, in Latin America, where your command of Spanish would actually give you a considerable advantage over many other candidates.

If you’re reluctant to make this commitment now, I think you’ll have to admit to yourself that your interest in all things geographical has only really been skin deep; has been just a sort of back-of the-mind amateur enthusiasm rather than a driving ambition. If that’s the case, the sooner you abandon it altogether and concentrate on building a future, say, in the travel industry, the sooner you’ll see your way out of your current confusion and get started on a clear path.

Readers say

• I did a Tefl job in Seoul for a year and I saved a lot of money. It probably wouldn’t be enough now to fund a postgrad degree, but it would certainly be a help. There were plenty of people in Korea who spent 12 months teaching, then a few months travelling. I honestly think a “passion for travel” is better served by that sort of lifestyle than a loosely related job in a cubicle in the UK. ID5338596

• If you begin the postgraduate course online while you work, then it won’t be a year in the wrong direction. If you don’t like Korea you can always leave. Gabigool

• If you know you can be disciplined, save and then start studying next year. Do it! If you don’t think you can save or will end up stuck there because of the money and lifestyle, don’t! SallieToo

• You could consider doing postgrad study at a university in South Korea. It would look very good on your CV. Don’t worry about your age, as I graduated at 31 and walked straight into a postdoc role. Jon Ashley

Do you need advice on a work issue? For Jeremy’s and readers’ help, send a brief email to dear.jeremy@theguardian.com. Please note that he is unable to answer questions of a legal nature or to reply personally.