Last weekend, we had a family lunch to celebrate my mother's birthday.
Unfortunately, I forgot to tell our eldest boy, 14, who'd already made plans. I asked him to cancel and a row ensued – with the inevitable "I hate you!" But he accompanied us to the restaurant, behaved beautifully, and later confessed he'd had "fun".
I told him that we loved his company, he'd made Grandma happy, but that next time I'd be sure to give him more notice.
It would have been easier to avoid incurring my son's wrath by letting him skip the lunch. But in my heart, I knew it would have been wrong.
Barnaby Lenon, the ex-headmaster of British elite school Harrow, is on my side. He believes too many boys are grossly underperforming, falling behind and getting into trouble because too many fathers want to be their son's best friends and fail to enforce the discipline that boys need to thrive.
In his book Much Promise, to be published this month, he states: "Boys need disciplining by schools and parents. They need it ... and, what is more, they can take it."
Lenon suggests because people have handed over so much authority to their children, they have to negotiate with them as they do their friends, and discipline has collapsed with it.
This is hard to argue with. From David Beckham and his son Brooklyn getting joint tattoos, like a pair of mates on a stag weekend, to fathers I know who send their 14-year-old boys to parties with bottles of vodka, my generation doesn't seem comfortable with being the father figure who knows right from wrong.
In my experience of raising boys, this trend is becoming endemic because of the way we live now. Fathers of my generation are less formal, yet probably more separate from our children than we have ever been. Where once we worked and hunted together, now we often feel like strangers who share little more than the same postcode.
Part of the problem is my generation's reluctance to grow up. We might have jobs and families, but we also need to be personally fulfilled – our kids are often at clubs or socialising, while we're off playing golf or riding bikes. This leaves little time for the old-school humdrum family life. In the very brief moments that we assemble as a family, we dearly want the experience to be fun, not fraught, as if this is another "success" box that must be ticked.
A friend is typical. He cycles into work early, goes to the gym, puts in 10 hours, and cycles home again. If and when he actually crosses paths with his son, he wants to bro-out and watch sport with him. Neither he nor his wife wants to be the bad guy, meaning that it's the nanny who says when it's time for homework. When we last met for a drink, my friend told me that he doubted his son would finish school – not because he lacked ability, but because his father refused to create tension by pushing him.
As a parent, you are fundamentally responsible for providing care, structure and authority. Certainly, past generations of fathers often focused too much on stern authority at the expense of kindness. My generation has over-adjusted on the caring side.
We've moved from one extreme to another, and are now raising a generation of tin-pot tyrants. As fathers, we need to take back control.
Years ago, we lived next door to a man who refused to set boundaries for his son. The boy was allowed to stay up until 2am on school nights, watching TV (my bedroom shared a wall with his). Sleep-deprived and lacking routine, the boy fell behind at school – and his parents wondered why.
This approach is disastrous for boys who, says counsellor Janey Downshire, the co-author of Teenagers Translated, need measured authority if they are not to become directionless and insecure.
"Teenagers – in particular boys – are going to be risk-takers. It's really important for the developing male brain to know where the limits are by developing boundaries. It particularly does that through the father-son relationship, as it's the male voice that the adolescent male brain picks up on the 'no, not that' in a way that he doesn't quite so well pick up on in the mother's voice.
"The male voice gives the authority, it helps the child start to find his brake pedal, and also to be able to ultimately self-police, develop a conscience in the long term and have that moral compass." It's really important, she adds, to have the kind, but firm male authority, "because otherwise he's like a rudderless ship".
How do we strike the right balance? I think the trick is to see yourself as a leader, not a dictator.
The absurd thing about all this, is that my generation benefited enormously from strict parenting. My father did not get everything right. He had far too many rules and lines that I shouldn't cross and barked far too loudly when I transgressed. He made me play rugby for the school for five years (I broke my nose twice), and tennis and golf (both of which I loathed). I cannot remember being asked for my opinion. It might have been my childhood, but he was paying and he knew best.
Not once did I consider him to be my friend. He was my father, I loved him and we enjoyed one another's company, but there was a distance between us that I think now was healthy. He was not trying to be popular. His authority seemed eternal. His "no" was final, like rain stopping play. Later, I could live my own life and, as he always said, I could do what I liked then. The discipline, the structure, provided the kind of certainty you never find again in adult life, except, of course, when you provide it for your own children. As such, I am happy to say no.
FATHERS AND SONS: HOW TO GET IT RIGHT
Be loving, but in charge and consistent
Diana Baumrind, parenting expert at the University of California, Berkeley, showed that children who are not set consistent boundaries, whose parents feel they need to please them, rather than teach them to be responsible, raise children who are more insecure and demanding and who have little self-discipline.
Get involved early
Flouri and Buchanan noted that fathers who co-parent when children are young are more likely to remain involved throughout their upbringing.
Support your partner and ask for their support
The Oxford researchers noted that when parents disagree frequently, fathers become less involved in parenting. If you often disagree, arrange to talk things through outside the family home, and look for compromises you can both accept.
Quality, not quantity
The amount of time you spend with your son is less important than the quality of that time. Showing a genuine interest in his enthusiasms, asking questions and listening fully, is the key.
Be the person you hope they'll become
Your job is not to be their friend – they'll want to make their own friends. Your job is to show them how you believe it's best to behave, to think, and to interact with and care for others.
The Telegraph, London