People joke about getting cross-examined by their partner's mother the first time they were brought home to meet them. "What are your intentions? Do you plan to christen your children? Do you have a criminal record?" That sort of thing.
Ten years ago, for our first meeting, my future mother-in-law actually printed out a list of questions. Slid it across the table in a sealed envelope. "Is this the questionnaire?" I asked, joking. "Yes," she replied, not joking. "You don't have to fill it out right now. Just any time before you leave."
![Claire Hooper.](/web/20170413121709im_/http://www.watoday.com.au/content/dam/images/g/v/i/h/0/i/image.related.articleLeadwide.620x349.gvf57f.png/1491879118257.jpg)
"Well, I'll need a pen because I'll be leaving immediately, thank you." I didn't say that out loud. I said it with my eyes, as I gently stared into the side of her son's head.
I had a lot of questions, and not just the ones I was holding inside that envelope. Had she given one to all of his partners? Was I meant to laugh? Was I meant to be scared? And most importantly, did she know I was a stand-up comedian?
Late last year, I found the questionnaire, titled: "Things your future mother-in-law would like to know about YOU". (Look at the questions – no punctuation. Yep. This bitch is a loose cannon.)
1. Your birthday
September 5, 1976. That's right. Just turned 40 and rapt about it. It's a personal best – I only managed 39 the year before. I didn't find out until much later that being born in 1976 made me only 16 years younger than her.
2. What are your hobbies
A tricky one, because the honest answer would probably be "correcting people's punctuation". I've had to really cut down on this habit now that I'm regularly in the company of my husband's family.
I'm sure I answered this one like anyone listing their hobbies – with three to five things I hadn't done in the last five years, like hiking, reading Shakespeare or practising an instrument (her son has always complimented my fingering).
3. Your favourite colour
I don't have a favourite colour, because I'm an adult. I seem to remember writing "my favourite colour is Wade". That was my husband's suggestion. His name is Wade.
At around this third question, I'm relaxing that this doesn't seem to be the sort of questionnaire that is going to enquire about my sexual health. (Clean, though, thank you very much.)
4. What kind of music do you like
I don't know what I wrote for that, because now I'm a mother I don't remember what it's like to enjoy good music.
When our first child was born, we took her to a music festival in an attempt to hold on to our old lives. It wasn't great. The only fun thing was showing the baby to young couples and saying, "Make good decisions tonight!" then "It comes out of the same hole he puts it in!" before disappearing back into the crowd.
5. What kind of prezies do you like to get ie jewellery, perfume, clothes, home-made gifts or vouchers
I can't remember this one either but I figure I must have written "home-made gifts" because they have absolutely flooded in.
6. What is your favourite food ie main, desert, cakes, chocolates etc
Desert. That's my favourite food. I like to eat desert. Nice and sandy with a camel on top.
Yes, I am being a bit mean to the woman who only asked me this so that she could make it for me every time I visited for the next 10 years.
7. What would you absolutely hate for your mother-in-law to do
Ooh, hang on. Shit just got real … The question "What would you absolutely hate for your mother-in-law to do" is great because it is its own answer. I would hate for you to ask me what you would hate for you to ask me. The next two questions are best read one straight after the other.
8. If I inadvertently upset you, would you feel that you could say to me hey you are pissing me off! so back off bitch or else!!
9. What is your favourite holiday
What a roller-coaster of emotions. We'll answer the easy question first. Asking about my favourite holiday is like asking about my favourite child. Whichever has the most naps, obviously.
10. Do you play an instrument
Only your son's horn.
11. Do you have any sisters or brothers
Yes, two brothers. They have red hair, so we keep them inside.
Finished. Did anyone else spot the one real point of the questionnaire? She's tried to hide it in the middle but she's betrayed its importance by accidentally giving it all the punctuation that's been omitted from the other questions.
The truthful answer is no, if she did something to upset me I wouldn't feel comfortable telling her to "back off, bitch". Ten years on, I'll still pretend she's not driving me crazy. But I do appreciate the offer.
People joke about their mothers-in-law, and the cliché is that they are disapproving, unwelcoming and nag them with intrusive questions.
My mother-in-law cooks my favourite food whenever I come to visit, writes my jokes for me and has basically given me permission, in writing, to call her a bitch if I ever feel the need. But I don't think I ever will.
Claire Hooper will be performing her new stand-up show, Familiar, at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival until April 23; comedy.com.au.
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