One of the most aggravating things women can be told is that we need to learn how to take better care of our safety. "When will you girls learn?!" is the exasperated question often posed when news breaks about yet another sexual assault, rape or homicide, because "why do men keep hurting women?" is apparently too big and scary a mental leap for some people to take.
The insult of this question is pronounced, because of course us "girls" know better than anyone how dangerous the world is for us. Do these paternalistic busybodies think we were just dropped into the world from a magical far away bubble where food is made from rainbows and everyone has a pet unicorn?
![The Dutch backpacker had only been in Australia for a few weeks before she was allegedly attacked in a Surry Hills laneway.](/web/20170411214743im_/http://www.watoday.com.au/content/dam/images/g/v/f/f/g/1/image.related.articleLeadwide.620x349.gvhpl5.png/1491821365608.jpg)
Consider the actions taken by one woman in Sydney over the weekend when a man allegedly sexually assaulted her in a laneway - in an incredibly brave act, she pretended to go along with it, waiting for the moment when she could escape or call for help. The unnamed Dutch backpacker was allegedly followed by Jerome Mundine (who has since been arrested and charged) last Friday night, with Mundine allegedly asking her if she had a boyfriend (she said yes - this is what women have learned to say, because we understand that some men will respect another man's property before they respect our own autonomy) before grabbing her by the throat and saying, "shut up or I will kill you, I will rape you." He then allegedly pushed her up against a parked car and sexually assaulted her.
As she explains, she decided to 'play along' in an attempt to get him to relax. Believing her ruse, he allegedly asked her if she'd like to come home with him. She said yes, but "he grew suspicious and again grabbed her by the throat and allegedly threw her to the road, leaving her with a large gash on her knee." It was at this point that she screamed for help.
![Jerome Mundine was arrested on Wednesday and charged with aggravated sexual assault – deprive liberty, and assault ...](/web/20170411214743im_/http://www.watoday.com.au/content/dam/images/g/v/g/0/i/m/image.related.articleLeadwide.620x349.gvhpl5.png/1491821365608.jpg)
When I read this story, I understood her actions implicitly. Like most women, I have considered what my action plan would be if someone were to attack me on the street. (I have also considered what it might be if a friend, colleague or family member were to do it because these people statistically pose far more danger to women than strangers do.) I remember walking along the cliffs at night in Coogee when I was 32 weeks pregnant and preparing myself for the possibility of assault. I decided then that I too would "go along with it" because I would need to do everything I could to protect my unborn child. I also accepted the probability that I would be blamed for anything that had been done to me, because surely a responsible future mother wouldn't be so stupid to think she could walk home unsupervised at 9pm after having a quiet dinner out by herself? Wasn't it true that I had gone there with the intention of meeting a stranger? A sort of last hurrah before the realities of parenting kicked in?
Don't pretend this isn't what the defence would have been, or that there wouldn't be thousands lined up to believe it.
![Clementine Ford.](/web/20170411214743im_/http://www.watoday.com.au/content/dam/images/1/0/l/q/g/z/image.related.articleLeadNarrow.300x0.gvhpl5.png/1491821365608.jpg)
As any woman can tell you, warding off danger is second nature to us. From the moment we hit adolescence, we begin to assemble an arsenal of weapons to help mitigate the risk of Walking While Woman - even though we also understand that the world itself will not help to eliminate that risk entirely. We learn to hold our keys between our fingers if we need to walk on the street at night. We do our best to avoid encountering strange men. If we fail at this, our strategy changes - we chat politely, act friendly but not enthusiastic and try to keep tension and energy to a minimum lest any coldness be perceived as "provocation". We take the long way home if there's better lighting, sit in the back of the cab and text the driver's details to our friends, check in with people when we get home to let them know we've arrived safely. We wear one headphone instead of two so we can keep an ear out for any sudden footsteps behind us. If we hear footsteps, we mentally calculate how much space there is between us and the next main road. We look for friendly houses with lights on that are close enough for us to bang on the door of if we need help immediately.
And those are just the things we do when it's dark outside. During the day, our weapons are more subtle. We try not to aggravate men, fearful of the rage or hostility they might turn on us. We downplay our intelligence and humour on dates, because we've been told for years that these things "intimidate" men. We try to make ourselves small because women aren't supposed to take up more space than we're entitled to, which is always less than the space allocated to men. We keep our voices light and our laughs quiet and we do all these things because we want today to be okay. And if all of that fails, if our best laid plans don't or didn't save us in the end, we try as best we can to simply survive.
When will you girls learn? We've been learning our whole lives. But when will men change? Now, that's the better question.