It was only recently that I had my heart broken for the first time, at the ripe old age of 31. I was blind-sided by it and by the sheer agony of it, the pain as unexpected and all-consuming as the dumb bliss of falling in love a couple of years earlier. I was having all of the usual thoughts – "I'll never meet anyone like him," "I'll never meet anyone again," "My life is over," yada yada.
Finally, after a week of nagging from my best friend, who promised it would be good for me, I joined Tinder. Within seconds, I had new men to divert my attention. And Kara was right – the more I swiped and the more I matched with people, the less I thought about my ex.
Dr Nikki Goldstein, sexologist and author of #Singlebutdating, cautions that there's a fine line between using an app such as Tinder to help you move on and returning to the dating game prematurely. "Jumping on Tinder after a breakup can be a great way to remind someone that they are desirable and that there are plenty more fish in the sea," she says. "It's an effective distraction, but there is such a thing as jumping back on the horse too soon."
Some of us waste no time getting back on the horse. Thanks to Tinder, it's never been easier to get over someone by getting under someone else. But for many, the virtual validation achieved through matching and chatting is enough, especially if you don't feel ready for dating or getting intimate with someone new. Writing for New York magazine's The Cut, Maureen O'Connor says this is "precisely what makes virtual rebounds so appealing – stimulation on demand, without any emotional investment or compromise. (That is, the things that made your breakup so painful.)"
Despite Tinder's reputation as a massive sexfest, recent research revealed that most people on the app are actually looking for a relationship. A study published in the Journal of Sociology last year found that 55 per cent of people used the app for finding dates. For the recently dumped, Tinder might be a mere diversion, but when you're in post-breakup survival mode it's easy to forget that the person you're chatting to might have other ideas.
"They might be ready to find a relationship and become quite invested in the chatting," says UK-based "breakup and dating coach" Laura Yates. "If you're just seeing them as a quick-fix confidence boost, that isn't very fair."
Traditionally, we've been taught that rebound relationships are no good for either party, but a 2014 study suggests the opposite might be true, at least for the rebounder.
Researcher Claudia C. Brumbaugh of Queens College in New York found that people who took up new relationships soon after a breakup felt more confident, got over their ex quicker, and were generally in better psychological health than those who stayed single.
Before you launch into the next swipe-athon, though, it's important to consider what you are actually looking for, and whether or not you are ready for it. According to Yates, the right time to start using apps like Tinder is precisely when you don't feel you need to. "I think the best indication is when you feel happy with yourself and your life as it is, without the need to be going on Tinder and dating," she says.
And the more time spent with your head down, compulsively swiping, the less chance you have of locking eyes with that hot prospect on the street/at the gym/on the train. "We forget that there are people out there all day, every day, all the time!" says Yates. "We should be spending as much time being social and meeting people in the real world as we spend on the apps."
Perhaps the best place to start, though, is with yourself. "Instead of looking for the best partner, it's more beneficial to put energy and effort into being the best partner," says psychologist Sabina Read.
As much as breakups suck, they offer the opportunity for reflection and renewal. And the more you put into improving yourself in the aftermath, the better your next relationship – virtual or otherwise – is going to be.
Dos and don'ts for rebound relations
• DO consider the feelings of the person you're rebounding with. Be honest with them about what you're in it for.
• DON'T use a rebound as a way to make your ex jealous. It's unfair (and it probably won't work).
• DO be mindful of your motivations. Is the rebound something you want, or need? If it's the latter, you might want to reconsider.