Some years ago I wrote a column in which I lamented the fact that I would never have children, because I seemingly forgot for a moment that the universe is fuelled by irony and that it would obviously do its level best to subsequently prove me wrong.
Thus almost 10 weeks ago my wife and I celebrated the arrival of James P Street, our son and favourite person on the planet, who is the light of our lives and currently winning what I assume is a deliberate war of psychological attrition against us both.
![Having a small life to take care of has made me acutely aware of certain things](/web/20170312133037im_/http://www.theage.com.au/content/dam/images/g/r/v/x/r/f/image.related.articleLeadwide.620x349.guu6rn.png/1489145545924.jpg)
Any hack columnist can tell you that having kids changes your life and write a heartwarming tale about how sure, it's a struggle, man, but it's so rewarding.
And it is, obviously. Kids are great. Sleep is also great, of course, and at this point it's very much one or the other.
![This is me pretty much every day now.](/web/20170312133037im_/http://www.theage.com.au/content/dam/images/g/u/a/0/3/c/image.related.articleLeadwide.620x349.guu6rn.png/1489145545924.jpg)
But more importantly, having a small life to take care of has made me acutely aware of certain things that are perhaps less often talked about in columns about new fatherhood. For example:
1. Welfare Mothers are a complete goddamn myth
There's a huge, unexamined lie that gets trotted out by people who are not traditionally among our best and brightest – Pauline Hanson being the most recent – to the effect that there are scads of unscrupulous single mothers out there deliberately getting themselves knocked up in order to sponge their way to easy street on all that sweet, sweet welfare cash and paid parental leave.
And this is an odious falsehood which is so obviously nonsense that few people seem motivated to even bother calling it out, so apologies for stating the obvious – but there are zero circumstances in which having a kid is easier and more lucrative than not having one. Zero.
Kids, it turns out, are not just endlessly demanding and require constant attention, but also cost a whole lot of money.
They need stuff like cribs and prams which only get a couple of years' use at best. Clothes need replacing because a healthy baby grows insanely fast, and nappies are absolutely not an optional luxury. And then they need feeding and sheltering and educating and stuff, I'm reliably assured.
Anyone looking for a cruisy way to avoid working should forget about procreation and try something more profitable and less time consuming, like checking vending machines for uncollected change.
On a related note…
2. Single parents deserve parades in their honour
I am a middle-class dude with a flexible job. My wife is a professional with maternity leave. We have one child – one! – and can handball care for our little chap to one another minute to minute and try to give each other time to do important things like sleep and eat and lie face down and motionless on the floor for a little while, and we're still hollowed-out people-husks at this point.
Anyone who does this solo, please know this: you're a goddamn superhero.
3. Babies are the freakin' best
We absolutely, positively, passionately wanted to have James and adore every second we spend gazing at his goofy little face. Watching him recognise me and then break out into a mighty, gummy grin is a joy that is impossible to describe through any medium that doesn't rely heavily on punching the air in gleeful triumph.
My phone, which was once a repository of amusing shop signs and pictures of our cat, is now heaving under the weight of James photos. The cat is deeply insulted, and justifiably so.
For all of the aforementioned stresses James came into the world into the care of two people – and a huge extended family and network of friends – who are completely besotted with him. He is wildly loved, and for good reason: he's endlessly hilarious and adorable.
I can't wait to see what sort of person he turns out to be, because I think he's going to be a deeply interesting one.
And all this joy and optimism has made me powerfully aware that…
4. Abortion must be safe, legal and accessible
…and also we need to be teaching our children comprehensive sex and relationship education (including how to use contraception and that sex is not just about babies but also intimacy and pleasure) well before they're going out and actually doing It.
Why? Because every child deserves to come into the world being fervently loved and enthusiastically wanted.
Not everyone wants to be a parent, and while many rise to the challenge it's too important a job not to be explicitly, deliberately, consciously opt-in.
Saying "I am genuinely not ready to have a child at this point" isn't a cop out; it's a brave and responsible thing someone can do, because raising a child isn't something one can half-arse without risking horrific consequences.
There are probably other lessons in there too, but now I just need to lie face down on the floor for a little while. Nudge me when the little guy wakes up.
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