Louise Giltrap: Watch out for those alter egos

OPINION: Living in a world that's filled with so many people and opinions is one of the challenges and, in fact, the joys of life, I believe.

At 47 I have had some fabulous experiences, while others have made me realise in a heartbeat that you have to do what's best for you.

The more comfortable I become with who I am and what's important to me, the more I find it difficult dealing with people who are not as comfortable with who they are. 

I'm talking about people who have an alter ego.  You know the sort, they speak quite loudly about needing others to be upfront and honest with them all the time, but they themselves are small broken children inside who actually don't want to hear the truth.

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They may have had their hearts broken but never really recovered.  They continually blame someone else for mishaps instead of digging really deep and accepting that they played a role in a marriage breakdown, friendship dissolving or business bust-up.

Sometimes they have grown up hearing from their adoring parents that they will be a lawyer, doctor or a scientist when they grow up but what they really wanted to do was act or dance, and so they push their unhappiness onto others for never pursuing their dreams.

The may have worked all their lives on the family farm and are now helping to raise the grandchildren on the same farm, but every day wondering "what if" they had brought a one-way bus ticket to the promised land that day in 1940 when they had just left school.

And the alter ego I find the most offensive are those people that let you believe they actually care, but are so desperate for approval they  prefer those people that sugar-coat  life's lesson or that they think will have more influence over their careers, jobs or plastic lives.

A few weeks ago I was struggling with a couple of things, one being a presentation I have been asked to deliver and one was more of a life hurdle that we have jumped, though I'm not ready to tell you about it.

Everything is okay. It's life. People who don't know what it feels like to be uncomfortable don't make necessary changes. That uncomfortable feeling just makes us push ourselves to greater things.

A week ticked passed after the high jump, the days were starting to have a normal feeling to them again and while I was having my afternoon coffee I received a message from a young lady.

I have met only Megan once when she and her husband came to stay while looking at farming opportunities in Northland.  Since then we have interacted by phone and social media.  

Earlier this season she asked my advice/opinion on something and I replied to her honestly... which wasn't what she wanted to hear.  However, seven months down the track this is the message I received out of the blue: "Gosh, I've learnt so much through you I didn't realise, I got talking about you and Geoff with someone today and it's amazing how much I've learnt from you quietly."

Now this accolade wasn't what made me smile, it was the fact that this young lady didn't let pride, ego or her initial annoyance at me not telling her what she wanted to hear, get in the way of being truly honest...and she is only 25.  

Later that same night I received a phone call from someone I have spent a lot of time with, helping through difficult times and vice-versa, a person many personal and world problems have been solved with.

This person was ringing to berate me about something they had heard fourth-hand without an ounce of decency towards the solid friendship I was led to believe we had. 

So here's the thing that stood out and smacked me: There is no age limit on the level of humanity that someone can possess. The very young and inexperienced can have more intuition and clarity than others that are still wrestling with their insecurities at the mid-life mark.  

While one person can show appreciation for very little, another friendship can dissolve quicker than a Disprin in water.

The lesson is... stand up for what you believe in, even if you stand alone. People around you that are secure in themselves will appreciate you and those with an alter ego will at some point turn on you when you threaten their pretence with the truth.

Know that it's okay to have your coffee how you like it, eat the cake, buy the bus ticket. 

Life is short. Don't waste it on the people who only want to take from you or who are not genuine.  

Louise Giltrap  is a Northland dairy farmer. She loves to hear from readers at ljgiltrap@xtra.co.nz.  

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