Only selfish idiots stay to look a cyclone in the eye, and we're fools for watching them
We love these idiots. We, the media. You, our readers and viewers.
Blunt Instrument - by John Birmingham
Teen who braved the crocs for his crush almost made me choke up my spider
Like everyone, when I first heard this story I thought him a massive idiot. But most of the coverage failed to mention that he jumped in not simply as a dare but, most crucially, to impress a girl.
Bibles, beer, two blokes in blue suits and the seven minutes I'll never get back
Maybe it was just my Twitter. Maybe this didn't break out anywhere else, but it did break out all over my timeline.
Ten years of wielding a blunt instrument
Bill Gates once said that people tend to overestimate what's possible in one year, and underestimate what's possible in 10. He was talking about technology, but think about your life 10 years ago and you'll probably agree that the super-nerd spoke the truth. I wrote my welcome column here at the Instrument 10 years ago today. I've filed just under a thousand times since then.
Don't blame Tinder, blokes are too broke for brothels
Calm down, concerned Brisbane brothel owners. You've got bigger problems than Tinder.
It may be a naff, glorified food court, but Jo-Jo's deserves its place in Brisbane's culinary history
The food is banal. The cocktails are boring. Jo-Jo's probably won't be missed but she should be remembered.
Old king coal will still be fiddling with his lump as the world burns
At least while Rome was burning Nero merely played with his stupid fiddle.
Bernardi watched Trump thump the establishment and learnt nothing
Cory Bernardi is no Donald Trump. Say what you will about Hair Gropenführer, he at least had an economic message.
Trump shuts down borders and Turnbull sits right on the fence
When heads of state around the world were condemning Trump's de facto Muslim ban, Malcolm Turnbull insisted it wasn't his job to.
Going goose-stepping? Roll with the punches
Somebody goes and punches a Nazi, conveniently standing in front of a television camera, and all of a sudden nobody knows anything any more.
Outsider Pauline out-trolls Turnbull government to gain Trump invitation
How good is Pauline Hanson's trolling game? Way better than the government's, and that's saying something.
Ley claims are small change next to Centrelink debt shambles
The money Christian Porter is chasing from former welfare recipients is the same money that Sussan Ley spent catching flights when she accidentally bought her Gold Coast apartment. Public money.
Live the good life in 2017 before the world ends
So far 2017 is off to a cracking start. It hasn't killed any meme-worthy celebrities, and Trump isn't President.
Naughty or nice ... could it really be that simple?
If you don't believe in Santa, how can Santa believe in you? The big man gets lost in the annual culture war over Christmas. Maybe he's hiding, his jolly heart broken. It's odd, I know, to say he's missing when his merchandising imagery and pre-stocktake sale discount signage is everywhere. But Santa lives in our hearts first – his condo at the North Pole is just a residency requirement of the job – and our hearts are increasingly hostile places.
The charms of a lousy Christmas
There's something to be said for a really lousy Christmas. A nice Christmas with family and friends can be a joy and a treasured memory forever. But a really shitty December 25? That can have its own charms too.
Ain't no party like a home office Christmas party
It has come to the attention of the CEO that some staff have been disgracing themselves before the appropriate time, that is, before the corporation's annual Christmas party.
Tyrone's death shines harsh light on political poofter-bashing
I was only eight years old when I realised I was straight. Of course, I didn't think of it like that. My thoughts ran more along the lines of "Gee, I like Cheryl Bazely. I wonder if I could sit next to her?"
Hey Fitz, I too am off the grog - but not forever
I've just had a year off the grog, or the better part of one anyway. I blame, or credit, Peter FitzSimons, writes John Birmingham.
How a Trump or a Brexit could happen in Australia
Donald Trump is what happens when a country gets rich but its people don't.
Roberts' incredible climate report kicks science to the kerb
John Birmingham says he read Senator Malcolm Roberts' scorching indictment of the CSIRO's criminal conspiracy to ruin us all, so you wouldn't have to.
Cream cheese or eggs with your salmon?
John Birmingham discusses the big salmon question - cream cheese or scrambles eggs.
Hidden danger looms after Trump loses presidential race
Donald Trump has done nothing wrong.
Smashed avo toast our rightful national dish
There is no such thing as twenty-two dollar avocado toast.
In a cynical world, can people still take us by surprise?
Working in the media can make it hard to see the lighter side.
Our new reality: the rising politics of stupid
The flat-earthers and denialists are rising.
Our cherished rights could be gone in a flash
We must stand, and bend over, for a precious Australian tradition.
Everyone is watching my personal fitness hell
How many exercise reminders can you stand?
Government to unveil pointless cost of pointless plebiscite
How much will be given to sweating pig circus of morons?
Fair corporate tax? Hey look, a new iPhone!
Later this week, you'll be freaking out.
Everyday horror of our climate change future
Prepare to pay $8 for a flat white coffee.