Hi, my name's Toddler and I'm here today to share my top tips on how to avoid going to sleep. Here's how to do it:
Step 1: Be un-catchable
If your parents can't catch you, the whole bedtime routine can't get going. So the longer your parents spend trying to catch you, the longer you get to stay awake.
Step 2: Don't get out of the bath
Once you've been caught and are in the bath, stay put. Whatever you do, don't abandon your slippery haven of entertainment.
Step 3: Ask for another book
At book time, don't just settle for one or two books. Instead, make sure your parents read you every single book you have.
A good way to do this is to look super cute and super innocent when asking for "One more book pease, Daddy?".
(Note how I said the word "pease"? I totally know how to say "please" but adorable mispronunciation works to our advantage at times like these. Pouting also helps.)
Step 4: Ask for the one item you need to get to sleep
This step requires some pre-planning.
Sometime during the day you must take your favourite item (blanky, bunny, whatever) and hide it. Then, when it comes to nighttime, insist on being brought this one item.
Scream things like, "Need bunny!"
Throw your bedcovers off in anger to show you mean business. Launch yourself towards the door in an attempt to locate bunny.
Show your disappointment when your parents fail to locate bunny.
Act somewhat interested when they start offering alternatives. Pretend dolly will do instead of bunny.
As your parents breathe a sigh of relief, change your tune again and insist you really can only sleep with bunny.
Step 5: Say you need to go to the potty
This step is gold.
Whether you're toilet trained or not, your parents can't really refuse you wanting to go to the potty.
It doesn't matter if you actually need to go. And once you've left your room, you get another chance to start from Step 1 all over again.
Step 6: Demand water
When your parents finally catch you and pop you back in bed, indicate that you are thirsty.
Immediately follow that up with another round of Step 5, displaying an urgent need for the loo.
(Steps Five and Six complement each other well. Drink water, need potty. Drink more water, need potty again. Genius, no?)
Step 7: Ask for affection
As your parents attempt to leave, ask for a hug, cuddle or even better yet, a huggle (that works every time, I swear).
After the huggle, ask for another.
Then, ask for a kiss.
Rotate between a need for huggles and kisses and maybe just to hold mummy's hand for a bit.
Step 8: Make your intentions understood
Now is a good time to lie down nicely. Maybe even close your eyes. Appear ready for sleep.
At this stage, your parents will assume their job is almost done and they'll be desperate to leave. But as soon as they reach the door, spring awake.
Now it's time for some improvisation, baby.
You may like to try some Step 5 and 6, a little Step 1 or a hearty dose of Step 7.
Or be outraged that you didn't get enough books, or that you're wearing the wrong pyjamas, or that ducks aren't cats.
The beauty is that you don't even need to make sense!
Let loose and use all you've got to rail against the evil that is bedtime.
And if you feel your resolve weakening, just remember: the world is your oyster, my friend, and you deserve to be awake to see it!
Wishing you many more sleep-free nights.
Your loving friend,
Toddler