Your handy Rugby World Cup guide to getting on the Wallabies bandwagon

Clap your hands and say yeah: Time to get on the Wallaby bandwagon with Kurtley Beale and Matt Giteau. Photo: Dan Mullan

• Hooper enters the record books
• Argentinian passion never dies
• Pocock losing fitness battle
• All Blacks bracing for torrid semi
• The Kiwi who can fix England
• Pumas 'ready to crush Wallabies'

Feeling lost? Like any vehicle hoping to avoid trouble in London, that big double-decker bandwagon needs an A-to-Z in the glovebox:

Adam Ashley-Cooper. He holds the ball, he places it neatly for the clean-out. He makes his tackles. He doesn't get injured, he does what the coach tells him, he's a double-A-rated, hyphenated top bloke. And now he's played more Tests than David Campese. Welcome to professional rugby.

Barnes. Wayne Barnes. Doesn't quite have that leading-man ring to it, does it? Wayne Barnes will referee the Australia-Argentina World Cup semi-final on Sunday. If you can remember his name on Monday, that's not good. If he does a decent job, on the other hand, his name and face will stick in the memory as vividly as that guy who now caddies for Tiger Woods. Yeah, that guy.

Cheika. Cheiks!! Checksy! Check-Mate! As Napoleon said, better a general be lucky than good, and Michael Cheika has that sweet arsey aura about him. He also has a speech tic where his eyelids close and flutter mid-sentence as if he's suppressing a momentary urge to disembowel the questioner. This has been excellent for maintaining team belief and discipline (see K, O, Q below).

David Pocock. Australia's champion rugby footballer. One of Cheika's achievements has been not to see Pocock and Michael Hooper as either/or, but as both/and. He thought so far outside the box that he ended up inside a bigger box! Hence the Pooper, or the Hocock. Pocock, also a champion person, espouses moral principles, painting a big fat target on his back. Future ambassador for David Jones.

Elton Flatley. No real reason. Just love that name. Kicked the Wallabies into their last RWC final.

Foley. Like a modern-day Elton Flatley, Bernard has raised the family name from obscurity. At the end of the Scotland match, my son shouted: 'Luke Foley has kicked the goal!' Which surely sets the game plan for NSW Labor next election.

Giteau. Speaking of restoring family pride, young Matt has brought back the lustre and the solidity, the sights, the sounds, the… smells that adhered to the Giteau name when the great Ron played centre for Wests (apologies to Marty DiBergi). Note for rugby tourists: Matt wears headgear, but is not David Pocock.

Hooper. Many passengers on this bandwagon have hopped aboard from league. As a post-season holiday, it's safer than Vegas. So, leaguies, imagine Anthony Watmough if he could hold onto the ball: those porcine eyes, that Indian-rubber collision, that immense strength, the proportions of that neck. Also thinks he'd be a good captain.

Izzy. "Superstar" is the most overused word in sport. During the Holden Cup grand final, I heard at least three players described as "superstars" and they're not even playing first grade. Israel Folau wears the title heavily. Promising league player, poor man's Greg Inglis or Justin Hodges, may have reached that level if he didn't become a hoax of an AFL player. Turned to union, became intermittently brilliant. Add up all three, and: Superstar!

Joubert. Inspector Joubert was Australia's MVP in the quarter-final and was promptly dumped. Where's the justice? Last seen running full-tilt from Twickenham in a southerly direction, hailed a cabbie and said, 'Anywhere away from Scotland'. Can be identified in a line-up of suspects. Unlike, we hope, Wayne Barnes.

Kurtley Beale. Not to be confused with "Kurtley Beale", a past Wallaby rubbed out of the game for acts of cumulative stupidity. This Kurtley Beale is producing his best and running, like a gazelle, on pure fear of that animal shadowing him. (See C, above).

Larkham. Beautiful, wonderful Bernie, what we'd give to have another like him. Many Australians jumped off the bandwagon when Steve Larkham retired. Now he's a Wallabies coach and imparting some of his style, they're drifting back.

Mario Ledesma. Or, how we learned to stop worrying and love the scrum. During the quarter-final, Phil Kearns brought all the expertise of having scrummaged a zillion times to his commentary, flying halfway around the world to gurgle, "Mmm, phwoar, good scrum". Even with ESL English, Super Mario has the Australians packing down like Donkey Kong.

New Zealand. Some would say, this bandwagon's terminus.

O'Connor. Last seen heading for Toulon. What is it about French rugby anyway? Is it like Devil's Island – you can do basically anything and still find a place there?

Pumas. Australia's opponent on Sunday. Turn to the person beside you on the bandwagon and ask if they can name one Puma. Just one.

Quade. Knocked off by Foley, does this make him the John Robertson of rugby? No, Quade Cooper is still capable of turning games. Watch this space. (FYI non-Kiwis, said space is between the backrowers and the No.12.)

Rugby Championships, The. What is being played in London over the next two weekends.

Steven (Moore) the Skipper, Scott Sio, Scott (Fardy), Simmons (Rob). The Wallabies' S-words: Scrum Success.

Twickenham, Twickers, aka Home, Our House, Our Backyard, Our Shitheap, as we call it here.

Union. Someone please tell the Americans and the Victorians. This is union.

Victory. Certain people hereabouts may not be man enough to predict an Australian victory, due to some megalomaniacal/pagan/bandana/delusional grandiosity/foetal position fear of influencing the result. Go on, do it!

Wallabies to win! (See V above).

X-Factor. Thankfully, a letter that has dropped out of the Wallabies' alphabet since the disbanding of the Three Not-Really Amigos (see K, O, Q above). Replaced by the Cheiks Factor.

Yellow. The colour of some other teams' forwards. *Cough* England. Australia, meanwhile, have travelled in Gold.

Zeds. What we'll be catching up on at the end of it all. Or, if Wayne Barnes gets too involved, during it all.