Dear Mummy Felstead: I was abused as a child and now can't trust anyone

This week on my Q&A with Mummy Felstead, Izzy* asks:

Dear Mummy Felstead,

When I was 4 years old I was sexually abused by my Granda. I'll save you the uncomfortable details but I'll tell you this... It was bad. Eventually I told my older cousin at the age of 8. It soon became apparent that I wasn't the only one. I made a decision the day I accepted that it wasn't my fault, that I would never be a victim. I let go of my anger and hate and moved on with my life.

I grew up, put myself through university and have a respectable job. But there is something missing, at the age of 26 I realise that I am incapable of trusting anyone. I can't let people get close to me.

Outside of my immediate family I don't show 'the real me' to anyone. I sabotage all of my relationships and if any man shows the slightest bit of interest in me I do everything I can to make them hate the version of me I choose to show them. If they reject the person I pretend to be it's not as bad as them hurting the real me. I want to experience love and trust and let someone in but I'm terrified I'll get hurt.

My mum is very supportive and understanding but she blames herself for what happened to me as a child. I can't discuss this with her as she becomes upset that she didn't protect me! I hate seeing my mum upset so I smile and act like everything's ok but it's not.

What is wrong with me? What did my Granda break?

Izzy

MY THOUGHTS:

Darling he broke the childhood trust you had in him;  the trust that's inborn in all kids for all ‘ grown ups'  From a young age he was hurting you - but  everyone thought he was just a grandad and expected you to love him, hug him, sit on his knee.  

You would have been so confused - looking into his eyes and knowing a terrible secret was going on that you couldn’t understand and couldn’t share. You would have known it was bad - which would have had a subconscious affect on you.

We are all conditioned to love our elders and if not love - then generally respect.  He has robbed you of something so fundamental in little children - joy trust and innocence.  How you’ve coped with this and done so well - well - it’s hardly any wonder you’re suffering now!

Now I am not going to pretend to be qualified to counsel in a situation like this,  but what I can do is just tell you how I feel deep within myself as to how you should go on.

You have told me that you made a concious decision not to be a victim - that it wasn’t your fault - and that you would let go of all the hate and anger you so naturally would feel.

You are an intelligent individual, so you have told your brain to do the right thing - rationalise the situation, deciding that the ways forward mentioned above were sensible.

You must understand though that when we go to bed at night we cannot control our thoughts and feelings. In our deepest darkest hours they creep out and demand attention and because we’re not in control at that time we cannot enforce the sensible spin.

I’m sure counselling would help here, and I genuinely think you would benefit. I also think you’ve been sensible for too long - and you should give yourself a break and understand that you need a shoulder to weep on as you come to terms with your loss of childhood and all the dreadfulness that went with that.

Strangely though, I can’t help but feel that if you were able to go away for a while with somebody you totally trust, and be honest with yourself - venting your feeling and anger for this man, would benefit massively.

Verbalise it - shout and cry - indulge yourself! It seems to me that even now you can’t do that - even to your mother as you’re too worried about her feelings.  This does you credit - but enough now! 

You must MUST get this out and deal with it. I can tell you that unless you do - this disgusting and wicked man will continue have power over you - and you’re bright enough I KNOW to put a stop to that!

Very very dearest love - I think you’re amazing.

MF XXXX

Don't forget, send me your questions for a Mummy Felstead Q&A via email or on Twitter @mummyfelstead or on my Facebook page.

Dear Mummy Felstead: I can't let go of the man I love

This week on my Q&A with Mummy Felstead, Lauren* asks:

Dear Mummy Felstead,

I had a boyfriend who I was very close to, I've never felt a stronger connection before! He helped me with so much and always treated me well. We broke up due to arguments and a lot of other reasons.

We were meant to get back together, but sadly, his mother lied about certain things and me and her had a huge argument. So, it was almost impossible to be together again. Well, since then me and him still kept on seeing each other, not as often, but it felt just the same each time. Our feelings were still the same, and then one day things got out of hand and he told me he cares about me, but we can't carry on talking because we are just going to hurt each other again. So he stopped talking to me and I was distraught. We didn't speak for three months!

During those three months I acted stupidly and thought by flirting with his friends, it would bring him back. But it didn't, only until I stopped, he called me out of the blue and we cleared things up, and he told me he missed me and still cared, but didn't want to be a part of my life because I hurt him so much.

I apologized time and time again, and each time he just got more angry about it. He just doesn't want to know me any more. And what's making it worse is the guilt I'm feeling for what I've done to him, because he would of never done such a thing to me. I acted so out of character and feel so guilty I hurt someone I love so much.

I know its my own fault, but deep down I feel like he was the one for me. And I simply can't let go of what we had!

I don't know what to do, please help?

Thank you x

 

MY THOUGHTS:

Hi angel

This is a sad little story.  I can feel  how you’re hurting but there’s nothing anyone – including you, can do.

All this stuff that has gone on between you both is devastating – but actually you know in the world of the young where people are still forming – it’s very  normal.  You are still learning, and these types of situations happen often as we grow.  We go through life without a handbook, not understanding what’s expected of us – or how to deal with situations when they do.

How can you know that flirting with his friend wasn’t going to work…make him jealous.  You’re only young -  you have to find these things out.

We are indoctrinated by the media not to accept this and that and the only way we know how to proceed is to just do it.  It’s only when that goes wrong that we understand that it was perhaps a bad decision – and we remember next time ‘ we learn!’

Now having said that there is something else here.  Boys in particular are really bad about keeping girls on the hook.  This boy is telling you all these amazing things – how much he cares etc – but he’s not actually committing to anything other than making you feel bad.  I sometimes think they really don’t want the relationship because they are generally too immature to cope with a full on love thing – but they seem to love putting somebody through the guilt trip a that goes with the break up and heartache.  This sort of makes them feel valued / important - they too love a bit of drama - and lets face it they're also only kids.

Put this whole episode behind you.  See your girlfriends and talk about it.  Try to have some fun – laugh and go out.  Know that this one was far too complicated and that if it was the right thing, it would have all happened.

You sound to me that you are at the beginning of life so don’t beat yourself up – or allow yourself to believe that he is ‘ the one’ - because he’s not.  It’s only in a few years time when you finally find the right one - which you will immediately identify by the lovely feeling of being complete - that you will remember my words.

Move on now.  It may be that he comes back to  you begging to try again – but I suspect he won’t.  Put this one down to experience – buy yourself a new dress, smile, and stop beating yourself up.  One day when you're may age you won't even remember his name.

Sorry I can’t say what I think you want to hear – but I must always be honest.  You are going to be fine, put this behind you and step out into the light.

With love

MF

Don't forget, send me your questions for a Mummy Felstead Q&A via email or on Twitter @mummyfelstead or on my Facebook page.

Dear Mummy Felstead: How can I finally get over my ex?

This week on my Q&A with Mummy Felstead, Emma* asks:

Dear Jane,

In 2012 my boyfriend of 3 years split up with me. I have not been the same person since this, I still think about him everyday with this notion in my head thinking we will get back together in this amazing romantic way.

The fact is he hasn't spoken a word to me since he split up with me.

I have remained close to his mum, so I still hear about him. The latest news is that he is with somebody else.

How do I finally let go? It is holding me back in so many ways.

Emma

 

MY THOUGHTS:

Poor you, the old loves that haunt us still!

Well the first thing you do is stop seeing and talking to his mum.  You have to move on - easier said than done I know.

When a wonderful relationship finishes we only remember the good bits - rather like when remembering childhood- it was always sunny.  You have probably unknowingly made this relationship even more wonderful than it was - and therefore the hurt of leaving such a fantastic thing is much worse.

Although it sounds mad - we can also get hooked on the hurt, so when you think about him and his new girlfriend the pain that comes from that is almost addictive.  

So now, time for a change.  I’m sure many people have said this to you - but if they haven’t I am!

You must see this relationship as damaging to you and act.  When you think about it see it as dark and negative - and make a conscious effort to stop doing everything that reminds you of it and step into the light.

If need be, think about a new job in a new area - if only for a while.  Join new clubs - boring though they may sound to a slightly depressed mind, there are some fantastic things that people are doing out there, getting involved with things previously unimagined.  It could be sailing - riding - volunteering in someway...anything that is mind consuming.

You will be out of your comfort zone - and trying to cope with that will help hugely with forgetting the past - and moving forward from that will help I promise.

Soon you will be in a new relationship and these old dark days will be gone.

Much love - bloody men hey! XX

Don't forget, send me your questions for a Mummy Felstead Q&A via email or on Twitter @mummyfelstead or on my Facebook page.

Dear Mummy Felstead: I'm lonely and depressed after moving away from home

 

In this week's Q&A with Mummy Felstead, Lucy* asks:

Dear Mummy Felstead,

I'm 19 years old and was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder last year, so I've had some really tough times even when things are "good." Recently my boyfriend got a new job and we moved 2hrs away from my hometown where all my family were, where my carer was and where I had an amazing job.

In my new house I have no friends, I miss my family and I hate my new job. I've been here four months now and instead of settling I seem to be getting gradually worse.

I am so depressed and have started thinking about suicide and self harm again after months of recovery. My boyfriend doesn't understand my illness but still won't do any research on it or how to help people suffering with it.

I'm so lonely and I have nobody to talk to. I see you and Binky on MIC and just cry because I'd give anything to talk to someone like you. I can't talk to my parents because I don't want to let them know how bad things are, I feel it would let them down.

Is there anything you could suggest to cure my terrible loneliness and constant anxiety and depression?

All the best, Lucy

 

MY THOUGHTS:

Well yes actually, you move back home!

You have uprooted and moved - for the sake of your boyfriend.. and frankly, I’m already not that impressed by the sound of him - away from the  support system you need.  Family friends and carers are obviously important - but so to are the familiar surroundings that bring comfort to a troubled mind.  

I know you’re going to tell me you love your man, and I do believe you,  but I’m just not sure that he’s making enough effort - and believe me it will be a huge effort for a young chap -  to do the things that you are going to need to help you to manage and cope in your new life.

19 is terribly young you know.  What you’re asking of yourself is massive, and although I don’t know the details - I do know with great certainty that this is not going to get better on its own.

So, my advice:  

Tell your boyfriend how you’re feeling, and then go home and DO talk to your parents.

Do not worry about letting them down - believe me they probably suspect anyway, and would be dreadfully distressed if you weren’t honest with them. It may be, that just the fact you are able to come clean about  how unsettled you are,  and how unhappy you feel as a result of that - that a plan of action could be put in place by all who know and love you - to help you cope in your new area (although I still think that going home is the best plan)

If your boyfriend gets tricky, then frankly he’s being unsupportive - and at 19 and with your condition - unconditional support is vital in your treatment and recovery.  It may just mean that you have to put yourself first - and he will have to understand that - and if he truly loves you he will - and if he doesn’t truly love you - well then with your condition the last thing you need is to be in a relationship like that!

Put all feelings to one side, and gather up your remaining strength and please do what I suggest. You are FAR to young to be coping with this without help.

Good luck sweetheart, and much love xx

Don't forget, send me your questions for a Mummy Felstead Q&A via email or on Twitter @mummyfelstead or on my Facebook page.