Woman: Hello. I'm looking for a man.
Salesgirl (picks up a menu): Welcome! We have a huge range here to choose from. Can you tell me a bit about yourself first?
![This one's on sale and comes with his own wardrobe.](/web/20170429205707im_/http://www.brisbanetimes.com.au/content/dam/images/g/v/4/a/b/4/image.related.articleLeadwide.620x349.gv4ab7.png/1490233805974.jpg)
Woman: Well, I'm 48… I've been divorced for four years… I have three kids, a boy and two girls…
Salesgirl (crosses some options off the menu): Three kids, huh?
Woman: Uh, yes? And, um, I'm a writer… I've had a couple of books published…
Salesgirl (crosses some more options off the menu): I see.
Woman: Um… why are you crossing things off?
Salesgirl: Well, not all men want someone with so many kids, and of course a lot of men are intimidated by successful women. But don't worry! We still have a nice selection! So, what's your size?
Woman: My size?
Salesgirl (peers over the counter): Dress size. You must be about an eight to ten? Is that right?
Woman (looks confused): Um... I guess so….
Salesgirl (smiles and ticks a box): Excellent! There are lots of men available for a size eight to ten. So. Who takes your fancy?
Woman (takes the menu): Ooh. I like this one! The one with the shaggy hair and the nice smile. Can I take one of him?
Salesgirl: Hmmm.. to be honest, this one has been in stock a long time and he's gone bitter. Do you want to pick another?
Woman (scours the menu): Um… what about this one? The accountant with the two kids. I like him!
Salesgirl (makes a face): Yeah… I wouldn't recommend him. He was returned only last week and he's quite damaged. What about this one instead? He's a lawyer! And he's tall.
Woman (squints): But he's got no front teeth! Can I have one like him but with teeth?
Salesgirl (laughs): A tall lawyer with teeth? They were sold out years ago! They probably won't come back on the market till the current owners die.
Woman: Are there any second-hand ones available?
Salesgirl: Second-hand lawyers? They get snapped up within minutes. You have to be really lucky to be here when they're just returned. The ones who aren't taken straight away tend to have defects, you know. Like gambling problems or alcoholism.
Woman: Or missing teeth?
Salesgirl: Exactly.
Woman (sighs): Well… who would you recommend?
Salesgirl (points): You can this lovely man with the neck tattoos, or this gentleman here, who is posing with a sedated tiger, or this delightful sixty-five-year-old, who looks much younger than his age.
Woman (panicking): But I don't like any of them!
Salesgirl: I see. You really are very picky aren't you?
Woman: I am?
Salesgirl: You certainly are. You have to keep an open mind, you know.
Woman (looks again): Um… okay. Well, what about this guy? He looks nice.
Salesgirl: Sure! Good choice! Just to let you know, though, he's just available for sex. He doesn't do commitment. Is that okay?
Woman (shakes her head): No! I want a relationship! Oh my god, this is so depressing.
Salesgirl (raises her eyebrows): Dear me, if you're going to be so negative you're never going to find someone, are you?
Woman: I'm sorry, but I had no idea this would be so hard.
Salesgirl (shrugs): I don't know why you're finding it hard. I had a woman come in this morning and find someone straight away!
Woman (looks dejected): Really? Why can't I? Do you think something is wrong with me?
Salesgirl (smiles): I think maybe you need to talk to a therapist about that.
Woman: Oh. Okay. Um… look, this isn't working out. I think I'm just going to leave now.
Salesgirl: You're going to leave? You're never going to meet someone sitting at home, now, are you?
Woman (backs away): I'm sorry. I have to go.
Salesgirl (calls after her): But I still have some dick pics to show you! And some pictures of men posing with their motorcycles! And what about this nice shirtless guy with the fish….