Damn, people are having trouble staying faithful.
It's not like this is a revelation to me, I've been around a while. But like once-closeted Hanson and Abbott voters, lately I have noticed cheaters are putting their hands up and waving "I did it" in the face of the PC police, no longer happy to be perceived as mongrels, just as mortal.
![Scarlett Johannson: "I think the idea of marriage is very romantic; it's a beautiful idea, and the practice of it can be ...](/web/20170318080629im_/http://www.theage.com.au/content/dam/images/g/t/n/g/a/s/image.related.articleLeadwide.620x349.gv07zi.png/1489710666792.jpg)
While trawling trash on line (let's face it, it's hard to avoid) this week, I'm not proud to say I read that Sandra Bullock's former and publicly unfaithful husband, Jesse James, believes cheating is "part of life".
"Yeah, I did cheat on my wife, yeah, I stood up and took accountability for it and apologised," the star of TV show Outlaw Garage said. "I think I've paid the price and then some, you know? I don't know anybody anywhere that's had to endure what I had to endure for basically infidelity."
![Sandra Bullock's former and publicly unfaithful husband, Jesse James, believes cheating is "part of life".](/web/20170318080629im_/http://www.theage.com.au/content/dam/images/g/v/0/8/5/f/image.related.articleLeadwide.620x349.gv07zi.png/1489710666792.jpg)
The week before I read (I know, I need a life) recently separated actress Scarlett Johannson admit, "I think the idea of marriage is very romantic; it's a beautiful idea, and the practice of it can be a very beautiful thing. But I don't think it's natural to be a monogamous person."
Should I have kept scrolling further down the newsfeed, I would no doubt have uncovered another famous couple split story citing infidelity as its cause; another report on the amount of marrieds using dating sites such as Ashley Madison (its motto, "Life is short, have an affair") and yet another alarming account of domestic violence fuelled by jealousy or rage.
In my personal life I am similarly bombarded with stories of betrayal and infidelity. One girlfriend I ran in to in Sydney this week had just discovered her husband was receiving sex elsewhere. A former colleague revealed he has been cheating on his wife with a married woman. And a gay friend admitted over coffee his boyfriend has been sleeping with other men from the beginning of their three-year relationship, despite promising fidelity.
Why am I mentioning this? I have cheater fatigue. I can no longer feign shock when a friend confronts me with "can you believe it?" exclamations and pledges they "will never forgive" their philandering partners. I can't seem to join in the chorus of "all men/women are bastards" outrage as I am expected. Because what I am constantly seeing is couples that just haven't been honest with each other.
While that may sound simplistic and d'uh worthy, it is true. Because, as an outsider (I do believe no one really knows another's relationship), what I am noticing is people hanging on to implied promises or outdated vows, living in the past and expecting it to remain their future.
Take my friend I'll call Janine. She had a baby a year ago – her third – and admits she hasn't had sex with her husband since they started IVF treatments a year prior.
Yet when she discovered he had regular "massages" on his way home from work, she was mortified and threatened to kick him out of the home they share.
"I don't care if he wasn't getting his rocks off with me enough," she says angrily. "He made a vow of fidelity and he should stick to it."
I was sympathetic but I couldn't manage to be completely empathetic. "Isn't it kind of a good thing he is getting his needs met in a safe way without emotional attachment?" I asked. "When you shut down sex did you explain why and listen to how he felt about your lack of libido?"
Let's just say my friend did not appreciate the questions or sentiment. She says her partners' actions made her feel disrespected, wounded and unloved. But she didn't want to take responsibility for how her actions of withdrawing physical affection may have made him feel. I have a pretty good idea that a man who hasn't had sex with his partner for near on two years and is unaware of why she no longer desires him just might feel unloved too.
My cheating male friend says he sees his infidelity is a good thing as it is "keeping his marriage alive". He says: "I love my wife and I would never leave her but I am bored. I don't like admitting that but it is true. But that's all it is. The girl I'm seeing is the same. She still loves her husband but she's only 34. She doesn't feel comfortable in the reality that he will be the last lover she ever has. I don't expect or want her to leave him and vice versa. So, it's all good." (Knowing this man's partner, I can't imagine her agreeing to the "all good" prognosis by the way.)
Meanwhile my gay friend, going against stereotype, says he craves monogamy. "I was tired of the bar scene and Grindr. The reason I wanted a relationship was to get away from all of that. I wanted an emotional connection, to share a life and not just a bed. But that entails trust and to me, that's monogamy. But my partner says he tried but believes that's an unreasonable expectation. If I want to be with him I will need to accept he's with others."
I don't hold the answer these relationship dilemmas, nor would I even try to suggest any, my own run at romance hardly podium worthy. But I do notice these otherwise "solid" relationships involving infidelity's tendency to be rooted in ambiguity. No one seems to be checking in on each other's wants and needs on a regular – if any – basis. It's like the playing field keeps changing yet no one's giving away their new position to the most important member of the team.
Perhaps it's time we view relationships as we are now starting to consider sexuality – as more fluid than rigid. More flexible than implausible. Because vows are just words and contracts pieces of paper in reality. They may be legally binding but that doesn't mean the heart and libido is similarly set in stone.
Perhaps if we speak up and say our heart is still solid but our bodies are curious. To discuss what infidelity really means, to keep checking in on boundaries limits, not crashing through them irrevocably.
It's not easy to have such discussion but hell, neither is divorce or the fallout of betrayal.
Which makes me wonder, if you're not up for the hard conversations with your partner all the way through the relationship, then perhaps reconsider commitment in the first place?
Wendy Squires is a Fairfax Media columnist.
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