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Bugger Off Pauline: Labor Claims Victory In WA Election As One Nation Crashes And Burns

Pauline Hanson's One Nation appears unlikely to win a single seat.

by Tom Clift  12 March 2017

The good people of Western Australia have booted Liberal Premier Colin Barnett from power, while at the same time rejecting the vile, divisive politics of Pauline Hanson.

The ABC’s democracy wizard Antony Green called the election for Labor less than 90 minutes after polls closed last night. The ALP is expected to win up to 41 seats – 11 more than required – in a comprehensive shellacking of the incumbent LNP who after eight and a half years in power are on track to suffer the biggest ever swing against a sitting government in WA history. There are also concerns that Nationals Leader Brendon Grylls will lose his seat of Pilbara to Labor’s Kevin Michel.

And all this, despite the fact that you only need to take a brief glance at Labor leader Mark McGowan to deduce that he is clearly a robot wearing the ill-fitting skin of a human man.

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“I came here 27 years ago in my Corolla across the Nullarbor, and today the people of Western Australia have made me premier,” McGowan buzzed, before waving his teflon claws above his head and shouting “EXTERMINATE” over and over again.

While the future premier is wheeled off for repairs, let’s turn to some even better news: One Nation appears to have flamed out spectacularly, with pundits predicting Pauline’s rag-tag team of incompetents will fail to pick up a single seat in the lower house, and will likely struggle in the upper house as well (as of Sunday afternoon, the ABC is projecting that Hanson’s lot will secure one seat. That said, we may not know for sure for a couple more days, so everybody please keep their appendages crossed).

One Nation had been tipped to rake in as much as 13 per cent of the primary vote as recently as last month. In reality, it looks as though they’ve ended up with between 4 and 5 per cent.

In the end it would appear as though the controversial preference deal between Hanson and Barnett was damaging to both parties, which is such delicious news I could eat it with a spoon. “Doing the deal with the Libs has done damage to us,” admitted Hanson. “It wasn’t One Nation. I think it was Colin Barnett – people did not want Colin Barnett.”

“It’s like when you’ve got milk in your fridge and it’s starting to go sour, you throw it out, and that’s what they should have done,” she added of the two term premier.

Now now Pauline, no one likes a sore loser.

Bill Shorten, of course, was quick to make it all about himself, in that he was quick to make it all about Malcolm Turnbull.

Federal Justice Minister Michael Keenan, for his part, denied that the Turnbull government was in any way to blame for the result out west, telling the ABC that “penalty rates and federal issues have been no issue in this campaign.” Adorable.

Regardless, the changeover in WA will undoubtedly be felt in Canberra, where the Leader of the Opposition was reportedly seen doing a little jig. Tony Abbott, meanwhile, was spotted pacing back and forth in his office rehearsing for his next appearance on Sky News. These are true facts in the sense that I made them both up but come on, we all know that’s what they’re doing.

In the meantime, let’s all raise a toast to the fine, upstanding citizens of WA…and a big middle finger to Pauline Hanson.