Our Father, who art in heaven, protect us from the creeping perils of sharia law. Protect our womenfolk, while you're at it, from all the unjust and discriminatory doctrines, and especially from men who have come here from other countries to beat their wives. We beat our own of course, dear Lord, hallowed be thy name, up to one quarter of them, but we can certainly do without foreign misogynists with "Dark Ages attitudes towards women'' "warping our children's minds".
Protect us from the "leftist hysteria''. Defend us from the arrogant and out of touch – the atmospheric scientists who alarm us about climate change; the teachers who claim children are suffering in offshore detention; the engineers who say 100 per cent renewable energy is actually possible; the counter-terror experts who question the conservative rhetoric. Save us from the economists, the scientists, and the journalists. Save us, in fact, from all those who would have us live in fear. Or live with squat toilets.
Most of all, protect us from those who'd seek to tell us "the truth". Our freedoms are precious – as you know very well – and the freedom to select our own alternative facts is the most cherished of all.
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done. And the will, too, of the oracles – Bolt and Bernardi, and the lesser prophets – who have missed no opportunity to warn us of the menace of Islam. Give us strength, Lord. Better still; give us a royal commission.
Which reminds me, what are your thoughts on free speech? If the meek shall inherit the earth as you say, then surely they can deal with the odd insult from time to time? As for the less fortunate, the poor in spirit – can't they just turn the other cheek so the silent majority can be a little less silent?
Give us this day our daily bread. And meat too, please. But not halal – we didn't ask for it, and we won't pay for it. halal is a "scam'' – another sign of the pervasive and imminent sharia threat and is probably used to finance terrorism too. And there's no point heeding the Senate Inquiry, which found no link between halal certification and extremist causes. We've been warned about the bleeding-heart liberals and their leftist agenda already. They can't be trusted.
Forgive us our trespasses; forgive our sniping, our wrecking and undermining, our scheming behind the scenes. Much as we'd like to forgive those that trespass against us, it's a bit of a stretch. They've made life hell, with their wind farms and their carbon tax, mendacious refugee advocates standing in the way of offshore processing, vexatious litigants standing in the way of major development, migrants driving up property prices. And it's only getting worse. I'm telling you, the destruction of civilisation is nigh.
In our hallowed halls of learning, Australian women are being spurned by Muslim men for simply wanting to shake hands. Is nothing sacred? What is the world coming to when religious beliefs can be used to justify discrimination on the basis of gender? It's un-Australian.
God knows – you do, don't you? – how we value our women and place them on an equal footing in all things? Alright, so not in the Parliament. Not in business either – OK, you've got me there. But we revere their roles as carers and as mothers, so long as they don't "rort" the paid parental leave system, naturally.
And what about the burqa, Lord? Heaven forfend we should countenance our own women being garbed in ways that are oppressive or demeaning just to satisfy the whims of a patriarchal society. In fact, when you get down to brass tacks – and aside from those female workers routinely exploited each year at major Australian sporting events, and our scorn for "double-dipping" mums and those avaricious procreators who get themselves knocked up just to cash in – we value our women quite a lot.
Let's not forget Senator Pauline Hanson – who had "no assistance" and "no help from anyone" as a mother – who has cautioned that the last thing we need from those women we expect to produce our future generations is the expectation that we actually provide something in return. Lead us not into that temptation.
And deliver us from evil. Because there's no question we're surrounded by it on all sides. Girt, you might say. And I'm not just talking about The Boats. What about all those gays and lesbians, gender benders of all persuasions, fixed on hijacking our time-honoured traditions and warping our children? And all in the name of "self-acceptance".
You can see the appeal, can't you, Lord? And it's all very well wanting each individual to be valued, hoping we can all be equal – but where would that lead? God knows. But it's a slippery slope, that's my point.
Which brings me to the kingdom, the power and the glory. Which are thine, obviously, but also ultimately our own – with just a few exceptions. Not the illiterate and innumerate souls who come here seeking refuge. Not any of those who came by boat – well, not recently – or those who came from Lebanon. And above all, not the leftist elite, those self-styled experts and hypocrites who have, frankly, lost touch with ordinary, decent values. Not them, not ever.
Amen.
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