Does a 13-year age gap really matter? Or are Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence doomed from the start?

Gwyneth may have given her blessing, but that hasn’t stopped eyebrows being raised about ex Chris Martin’s choice of a much younger new partner - Hunger Games star, Jennifer Lawrence.

The two have apparently been ‘secretly’ dating since July.

Which means 41-year-old Gwyneth must surely be threatened, right? (Really guys? Have you seen those legs?)

And with a 13 year age gap - Jen’s 24, Chris is 37 - can this really work long-term?

The naysayer’s say no.

With more than a decade between them, what points of reference do Chris and Jen have? They’ve grown up with different music, TV, movies, what do they talk about?

Chris has three children already, won’t Jen want to have hers with someone who’ll experience it with her for the very first time?

What about the power dynamic?

Jen’s the younger partner and in the ‘pupil’ position. Chris has lived longer so probably (hopefully) knows more.

The power’s automatically on his side: won’t Jen view him as a teacher or parent, someone to hide things from if she’s been ‘naughty’?

As the older partner, won’t Jen’s lack of experience and wisdom be frustrating for Chris?

He’s been through all the experiences she’s about to and who really wants to go back for round two?

Do age-gap relationships ever really work long-term?

Well, actually, yes they can - and do!

Being around the same age is a rough predictor of having common ground but it doesn’t guarantee synchron­isation.

We are all a sum of totals. Our true maturity depends very much on what we’ve accomplished, our personality, genetics, life experiences, expectations and morals.

There might be 13 years between Chris and Jen but, to my eye, they appear to have a lot more in common than Chris and Gwyneth ever did.

Jen might glam up for the red carpet, but off duty she’s parked firmly in the no-makeup and scruffy jeans camp. One reason Gwyneth and Chris didn’t work out was she loved getting glammed for the LA premieres and being seen in all the right places.

He reportedly detested it.

Gwyneth is fanatical about health and diet, Chris decided he wasn't vegetarian quick smart post break-up.

Which is rather handy since Jen’s fond of fast food and burgers.

Both women are bright and undeniably elegant (who didn’t fall for Jen when she so oh-so-gracefully tripped on her way to receive an Oscar). But there’s something very grounded about Jennifer that seems to gel with Chris’ consistent shying away from the limelight.

In the face of all that common ground, does it really matter he’s been on the planet for 13 more years?

We constantly focus on ways society is failing us but acceptance levels of age-gap relationships has never been higher.

This not only shows maturity of attitude, it’s practical too!

God knows, it’s hard enough finding a soulmate without having to make sure you’re both matching bookends.

I like this new pairing and that Chris and Jen haven’t let age get in the way.

May I suggest they relax and enjoy - and if need be, get a few tips from Calista Flockhart and Harrison Ford (22 years difference, together 12 years) and Vivienne Westwood and Andreas Kronthaler (25 years difference, together 24 years) along the way.

For more of Tracey's views on life, love and sex, visit traceycox.com

 

 

Are your friends the reason you’re still single?

Getting your friends to screen potential partners can backfire

Seeking a friend's opinion too early can ruin what could have been

The friends who love you most are the most dangerous

Single this bank holiday?

Chances are you’ll head to a friend’s house for company and their take on why you can’t find lasting love.

Friends know best, right?

Not necessarily.

While great friends are indisputably brilliant sounding boards for relationship choices, seeking advice too early can actually sabotage relationships and ruin what could have been.

The more often we get it wrong in love, the earlier we tend to introduce a potential partner to our friends.

We don’t trust our own judgment anymore but we do trust theirs, so drag them along to the pub for a once-over on date two or three.

But while the reasons for wanting friend’s approval are justified, timing is everything.

There are some compelling arguments to holding off introducing that great new boyfriend or girlfriend for at least a few months.

1. You need time to make up your own mind first

Anyone who’s been in love - and had their heart broken - is well aware it’s near impossible to see things clearly at the loved-up start.

It seemed perfectly plausible at the time for him to only want to see you during the week and never on the weekend.

When you find out he’s married and look back, you realise the signs were there but you didn’t seem them because you saw what you wanted to see, rather than what was there.

This is the prime reason why we do parade new lovers in front of people who care about us - to get a second opinion.

But second opinion’s are only useful if you’ve had the chance to form your own.

It’s a very, very good idea to listen hard to your friend’s opinions of a new partner a few months in, then weigh up the evidence, use your judgement and make a call.

It’s quite another to let them make up your mind for you.

Their opinion can make you focus negatively on things that worry them, not you.

Couples need time to smooth out the rough bits

Some couples meet and fit seamlessly together.

Most met and mould but need to rub along together for a bit to smooth out the rough spots.

It’s called getting to know each other: you need time to figure our each other’s communication styles and past influences.

An author doesn’t submit the first draft of a book to the publisher. It’s nearly always the third (or 300^th in some cases!).

You work on it before handing it over for judgement: it’s the same for new love.

Give the relationship time to breathe and settle before letting your friends loose.

They’ll be protectively watching for any wrong move or jarring between you both.

The friends who love you most are the most dangerous

The friends who were most upset when you got dumped by the last guy, are the ones who’ll be uber-critical of the next.

It’s coming from the best possible place: they want to protect you from further pain.

But it can result in them seeing character flaws that aren’t actually there and being over-protective to the point where no-one measures up.

There’s another factor at play here: because they’ve helped you through other breakups, you feel obliged to take their advice.

And part of their hypervigilant over-screening is (often subconsciously) driven by them not wanting another bout of teary 3am phone calls.

Friends have their own agenda

It suits some friends to make sure you remain single - and not just your single mates who like having someone to keep them company or go on the hunt with.

Some coupled-up friends get the best of both worlds when you’re out there dating, by living vicariously through you.

Then there are the ‘frenemies’: the people we think are our friends but aren’t.

They like us, they might even love us, but it’s love tainted by a toxic element like envy or jealousy.

If they’re already jealous of something you have but they don’t (a great body, better job or apartment), you having the perfect partner as well just doesn’t seem fair.

Instead of giving the thumbs up to your choice, they subtly sabotage, sowing the ‘Is he really good enough for you?’ seeds until your rose-coloured glasses are replaced with fault-finding magnifiers.

Just as our friends advise us not to rush into love, it's advisable not to rush into getting their opinions too soon.

With perspective, they’re invaluable.

Without it, they’re dangerous.

Tracey’s books have lots more relationship and sex advice. Find them at traceycox.com

Why are a quarter of people having affairs when no-one really wants to have one?

One quarter (24%) of people have had an affair and cheated on a partner at some point in their lives, according to results released today.

Perhaps not surprisingly, exactly 24% of people surveyed (by Relate and Relationships Scotland in ‘The Way we Are Now’ study of 5000 people) also said they were dissatisfied with their sex lives.

It’s disturbing news and something a lot of happy couples will skip over, not wanting to spend any longer than necessary with the unwanted image of a much-loved partner having sex with someone else.

My advice would be if you want to affair-proof your relationship, don’t look away.

Do the opposite and instead face the fact that one or both of you might be tempted in the future - even if you don’t really want to be.

Contrary to popular perception, the majority of people who have an affair don’t want to have one.

Given the choice between feeling utterly sexually satisfied with a partner you love or sneaking around behind their back, feeling guilty and knowing you’re risking your marriage, kids and future happiness for a bit of argy-pargy, any sane person would choose the former.

Sure, once an affair has started there’s a pleasure rush, with all those love and sex hormones reignited by the novelty and excitement of fresh flesh.

Not so appealing, however, when you come home to find your partner ashen faced, your bags packed and your kids sobbing in their bedrooms, wondering why Daddy or Mummy are going away for a while.

Some of us (22% of men and 13% of women) might entertain the idea of having an affair ourselves on occasion - but no-one wants to be the one left home alone.

Another sobering statistic from the survey was while a whopping 94% of counsellors and sex therapists think a relationship can survive an affair, only a third of the public agree.

Two-thirds of us believe they’re the death knell.

Yet despite knowing how damaging they are, the human race has been having affairs almost as long as we have having relationships and continue to do so.

The question is - why?

Esther Perel, psychologist and world respected authority on sex and relationships, believes expecting our partners to satisfy our every need is a big part of the problem.

In the old days, we got married for economic reasons, companionship and to bring up children.

Friends, bosses, parents and other people in the community took care of other needs like entertainment, advice, or providing hobbies and interests.

Now we expect “one person to do the job of a whole village,” says Esther.

“We want our partners to also be our best friend, trusted confidante, passionate lover - and we live twice as long!”

The other problem is that we want two very different things from one relationship.

We want love and we want sex.

The ‘love side’ wants security and predictability to make us feel safe.

Our ‘sex side’ wants novelty and adventure to make us feel alive and excited.

It’s a big - some might say impossible - ask to get all of our often conflicting needs met by the same person.

Why is why we’re tempted to invite a third person into the relationship and have an affair.

Living together - what most people in love do - is also a desire killer.

We most want what we can’t and don’t have and if our partner is lying beside us every single night, their high availability puts them low on the desire scale.

If we had to step over a pile of diamonds every time we stepped outside our front door, they would cease to be precious stones.

Ironically, the very model of monogamy doesn’t help prevent affairs - in lots of senses it encourages them.

But there are ways to beat the system and remain happily monogamous and faithful.

Here's how to affair proof your relationship:

Spend time apart.

Don’t be Tweedledum and Tweedledee and do everything together. Don’t merge, stay as two, separate individuals.

Wave your partner off to do their stuff while you go off to do yours. Absence makes us desire someone more.

This is why affairs are so powerful sexually. The person usually isn’t always available to us. We see them sparingly, not 24/7.

Watch your partner when they are at their best.

We are at our most attractive when we are doing what we love. It might be our job, playing a sport, telling a story, cooking a meal.

When we feel happiest, we’re the most confident and attractive.

Look at your partner through a stranger’s eyes.

Don’t just watch them when they’re at their best. Watch other people watching them.

This isn’t easy. Seeing a worrying attractive person checking out your partner is uncomfortable: it makes you feel insecure and suddenly threatened.

It also makes you appreciate that it’s not just you that finds them attractive, making them suddenly a lot more attractive to you.

Give up forever on the spontaneity myth.

The biggest, most harmful myth about love and sex is that you’ll suddenly just feel like sex ten years into your relationship and if you don’t, you either aren’t in love or don’t fancy your partner.

Rubbish.

Spontaneous desire happens at the start but couples who are still enjoying great sex years in, create desire.

They work out what turns each other on and do it.

Desire might seem like it magically appears but they’ve made it happen.

For more of Tracey's views on sex and relationships, her books and product range, visit traceycox.com 

 

 

Does your relationship have the seven things it needs to last the distance?

Ted Danson and wife Mary Steenburgen are going strong two decades on while the supposed ‘bullet-proof’ six-year marriage of Beyonce and Jay-Z is looking battle bruised.

But what makes one couple last and another fall at the first (or fifth) hurdle and - more importantly - do you have what it takes to last the distance?

Most reputable research points to seven, significant factors.

You feel closer after an argument.

Sure you’re raw, exhausted and a little fragile but you both feel closer than you did before the row. You’ve managed to talk it through rationally, listened to each other’s viewpoints and come up with a solution that suits both of you.

Jealousy isn’t a problem.

If there’s one thing that can destroy a perfectly good relationship rapidly, it’s inappropriate jealousy.

If - instead of losing it and storming out or trying to get even by flirting with someone else - you confess jealous feelings and allow yourself to be ­reassured, you’re on track for success.

Couples tend to become less jealous of each other the longer you’re together for obvious reasons.

People vote with their feet, so if you’re still together a few years on, you start to relax. You also get a better sense of whether someone is worthy of your trust.

If in doubt, you’ll take it as a compliment.

If your partner says something that could be misconstrued, you’ll put the best possible light on it rather than think the worst.

You say, ‘All I want to do is turn on some trash telly. I’m sick of everyone.’ Instead of getting huffy and assuming they’re included in ‘everyone’, they say, ‘I know what it’s like. Let me get you a nice big glass of wine.’

If your partner doesn’t feel like sex, you think, They must be tired, not, They don’t fancy me any more.

You don’t change to suit each other, you work with each other.

No-one really wants to change because we all secretly think we’re perfect!

What feels more natural is to both be aware of each other’s bottom line – what you each will and won’t put up with – while allowing each other to be individuals.

You’re on track for a long-lasting relationship when there’s a certain standard of behaviour that’s expected, but you’re not rigid.

Neither of you compromise those standards, but you are prepared to put their needs before your own occasionally.

You think first, react later.

Everyone sees the world differently, through a different filter. If you truly accept each other, you’ll allow for differences.

If your partner’s being extraordinarily critical of someone or something, you’ll listen first to what they have to say, take into account any stresses and how tired they are, then throw in your two pence worth – if at all.

Important issues are worth fighting over; trivial differences aren’t.

You know how to say goodbye.

Your partner is about to head off for a two-week work conference overseas.

You don’t cling on, sob and feel miserable and resentful they’re having time away from you. You take them to the airport, kiss and hug, then wave them off cheerily.

A graceful exit is the best preparation for the next grand entrance.

Smart lovers keep each other hungry for more.

You both feel you’re getting a fair deal from the ­relationship.

Last but crucially important, ask yourself this: Who’s getting the best deal from this relationship: me or my partner? Are they getting much more out of it than you or vice versa?

Couples who honestly answer, ‘It’s fairly equal’, are those who report the highest relationship satisfaction.

Check out Tracey's range of couple-friendly products at traceycox.com