Is your partner about to run off with your best friend?

How to tell what’s really going on by watching their body language

No betrayal is easy to deal with but there’s one that delivers a near fatal blow - when your partner runs off with a close or best friend.

Losing your partner and the person whose shoulder you’d have sobbed on, is a double dose that’s particularly poisonous.

Research shows people who manage to survive and move on have one thing in common: they suspected something dodgy was going on, even if they didn’t voice their fears or both parties denied it.

Knowing you’d recognize the signs if it happened again, gives most of us the faith and confidence to love again.

Worried you’re in the middle of a love triangle?

Here’s how to spot it.

If you’re worried it could be about to happen

Imagine your partner sat between you and the friend you suspect. If something fishy is afoot, he’ll sit close to you, but his body and gaze will turn toward her.

She’ll angle her body toward him, usually with legs crossed in his direction, and lean forward with her upper body.

She may rest her hand at the base of her throat, fingers splayed.

Often, subconsciously, you’ll pick up an unwelcome vibe and lean in closer to him and your friend, to involve yourself in the conversation and establish your connection to both.

If you haven’t done it consciously, do it now.

Smile lots at your friend, make direct eye contact and throw a quick but genuine compliment her way.

Then make a subtle ownership gesture to your boyfriend, like kiss him on the cheek while simultaneously squeezing his hand or leg.

This reaffirms your relationship to both of them, pushing the guilt button so hard, it can’t help but hit home how underhand what it is they’re contemplating.

If you think it's been going on for a while

Watch for all the typical courting gestures because all will be evident, if done in secret.

She’ll briefly touch his leg under the table while you’re not looking, shoot loaded looks and make meaningful eye contact whenever you look away.

To catch them at it, turn your head so they can’t see your eyes (and appear to be looking in another direction) but you can still see them. Pretend to be absorbed in a task and watch for signs.

Betrayal relationships are often fuelled by lust (anything forbidden becomes appealing) so you’ll see lots of autoerotic touching (both of them will start touching their own lips, necks, arms whenever together) and preening (smoothing or adjusting clothing or hair to make sure they look their best).

Watch for brief but sexy, wry, intimate smiles and pay particular attention if the conversation turns to sex or relationships.

The guilty will react one of two ways: clam up and look intensely uncomfortable or they’ll play flirty little games with each other (and you).

If she’s single, she might say ‘Sex? What’s that! It feels like I haven’t had sex for a million years but God, I’d just love to do it right now.’ This will be followed up by a quick look at him from under her lashes. If she’s attached, she may be over-attentive to her partner and over-flirt with them instead.

Another classic move is to kiss their partner, while maintaining eye contact over their shoulder with the person they’d like to be snogging.

The potential lover gets to see what they’re like in action - or recall their last kiss.

It effectively says I wish I was kissing you.

Your friend fancies your partner but isn’t acting on it

People react differently when they fancy someone they shouldn’t.

Take notice if friends who appeared to adore your partner, suddenly aren’t as friendly.

If your best friend Hugh has gone weirdly quiet around your girlfriend Emma, it’s often because he knows something you don’t (your girlfriend’s playing around generally) or he fancies her himself.

If we fancy someone we shouldn’t, we sometimes tend to become less ‘matey’. We’re scared we’ll give too much away if we’re chummy, so we create distance.

Along with the new aloofness can come slightly aggressive teasing. He’s resentful he can’t have her, so he’ll subconsciously seek to decrease her ‘value’ to him by belittling her.

Sometimes people are so successful at doing this, they not only cease to find the forbidden person attractive, they’ll start to wonder why their friend still does, dropping ‘You could do better’ hints.

Your partner’s not interested in their advances

If they seem slightly embarrassed whenever the person is around, fixing you with desperate, devoted looks, pay attention.

They’re trying to transmit a message with their eyes: ‘I want you to realise he/she’s hitting on me and I don’t like it but don’t want to hurt you by telling you because this person is your friend’.

They’ll also close themselves off from the person: turn their body away from them and toward you, refuse to make eye contact and avoid being near them in situations where there’s close body contact (like sitting next to her in a crowded car).

Your partner is interested

It’s bad news if, instead, they start mirroring the person’s behaviour. Are they standing the same? Talking on the same volume level? Do they drag on their cigarettes or sip on their drinks at the same time? If so, they’re bonding on a subliminal level.

Which way are their feet and hands pointing? Even if his torso faces toward you, a foot pointed squarely and firmly one pace in her direction, may be a sign he’s attracted.

Test if you’re right by doing the following: Move closer to your partner, mirror their movements, smile warmly at them, drop your voice to a low intimate level to talk about something which clearly links you (What are we doing this weekend, darling?) and push an imaginary hair out of their eyes.

All are ownership gestures which say ‘Back-off!’ but it’s your partner’s reaction which is important.

If they resist you - go stiff and move or lean backward when you snuggle in, refuse to be involved in an intimate discussion and turn their body away from you when talking to the ‘suspect’ - the writing’s on the wall.

Also, watch their eyes.

Sometimes, they’ll lean in with their head to listen while you’re whispering in their ear but keep their eyes fixed on the other person.

It’s the equivalent to the snogging scenario: I wish it was you, not my partner, whispering in my ear!

Check out Tracey's books and new range of Edge products at traceycox.com

 

When is the right time to say 'I love you'?

How soon is too soon? And do you really love someone after three months (Cheryl Cole)?

They’re the three most significant words in the English language. Deliver them at the right time to the right person and the first time they’re said out loud calls for champagne.

Blurt them out at the wrong time to the wrong person and you need a stiff drink for totally different reasons. It’s the ultimate embarrassment.

Most of us have a justifiable phobia about being the first to say the ‘L’ word. Why?

Because we don’t know what the hell we’d do if our partner doesn’t say it back.

There is only one correct response to ‘I love you’ and that’s ‘I love you too.’

So, what if they say, ‘That’s nice. Anyway, as I was
saying . . .’? Or look at you with pity and say, ‘Listen, you’re awfully sweet but . . .’?

Timing is everything.

Say ‘I love you’ too soon and you not only look desperate, you instantly lose power and dignity.

Leave it too late and you risk missing that magic moment which could launch you both onto the next relationship stage.

So how do you judge when it’s appropriate to let the cat out of the bag and someone into your heart?

Only you can truly answer that one, but these are some things you might like to think about:

Make sure you both speak the same language

Your ‘I love you,’ might mean, ‘I think this is special, let’s give it a go.’

His interpretation might be, ‘When’s the wedding?’

If you think your partner will overreact, tack something on the end like, ‘Don’t panic – I’m not about to propose. I’m just telling you how I feel.’

Wait until you’re absolutely bursting

Like, you’ll internally combust if you don’t say it right now. You’re not just 100% but 150 per cent convinced you mean it.

You don’t love someone after three dates.

When I was 12, a kid at my school came up to me and delivered a message. ‘See that guy over there?’ he said, pointing to a kid from my English class. ‘Well, that’s Brad and he sent me over here to tell you he loves you and wants to go steady.’

‘Okay,’ I said.

Brad and I went steady for a whole week.

We didn’t speak once though we did sit together outside E-block for a full five minutes and look at our feet.

True love? At 12, yes. But if you’re over 18, I think not.

Telling someone you love them on the second date or second week is ridiculous.

It’s daft – and that’s what they’ll think you are if you do it.

You don't really love someone after three months

The fact is, the first time anyone says, ‘I love you,’ they usually don’t.

Not really.

True love takes years to develop (take note, Cheryl Cole) and if you’re lucky, it’s always growing.

You look back and think, I really thought I loved them when I said it back then but it’s nothing compared to how I feel now.

That’s not to say you can’t feel ‘in love’ after three months of heavy dating, and it probably is acceptable to trot it out then.

But for absolute maximum impact, I’d wait six.

I know - hard core - but if someone says, ‘I love you,’ after you’ve dated for six months, they’ve thought long and hard about it.

Saying, ‘I love you,’ when you’re in the infatuated part of the relationship is easy: you aren’t aware of any faults.

Saying it when you’ve got a pretty good idea of what you’re letting yourself in for is far more of a compliment.

An ex of mine told me he loved me for the first time when I stumbled back to bed after throwing up for the sixti­eth time that night because of food poisoning.

Call me strange but I was far more complimented than if he’d said it across the candlelit dinner table earlier that evening, when both of us were tarted up and looking fabulous, totally unaware I was about to swallow a dodgy oyster.

Sneaky ways to say it

The coward’s way of saying it first is to say, ‘I think I’m falling in love with you.’ If they look at you in horror, you can always say, ‘Don’t panic, I know it’s just casual with us. I was only kidding . . .’ or, ‘That’s why I’ve decided to break it off – you don’t feel the same way.’

Another less traumatic option is to pop it at the very, very end of a conversation when you can disappear immediately after saying it. Like just before you walk through the doors to catch a plane or at the end of a phone call.

‘Love you,’ then click.

Dropping the ‘I’ off it also makes it less heavy. ‘Love you’ is what you say to your mum. Again, if they look uncomfortable, you can always add, ‘As a friend, of course.’

If you’re unsure of whether it’s reciprocated, try putting something after it. ‘I love it when you do that’, ‘I love it when we spend time together.’

If they look wide-eyed and gaze at you hopefully, it’s safe to say the big three words solo.

Don’t ask them

Never ever follow up, ‘I love you,’ with, ‘Do you love me?’

If they do, they’ll tell you immediately. If they don’t, they’re forced to say something like, ‘Gee. Uhhh. I guess so.’

Dignity demolished.

Don’t do it with sex

Don’t say it just before (especially before) or after sex – you won’t be able to trust their reply.

Some people will say anything to get laid, and if it’s afterward, feel forced to say, ‘I do too,’ because they’ve just had sex with you, for God’s sake.

Few of us are courageous enough to ravage someone then say, ‘Actually, it was just the sex I wanted.’

Even if it was, they’ll mumble something appropriate just to be polite.

Want more relationship advice? Tracey's books deliver practical advice with a healthy dose of humour 

 

Why you should never confess to how many lovers you've had

Q: What’s the perfect amount of sexual partners to confess to if you’re over 30 and decent looking?

A: I0.

The reason I know the answer to that question is because every female I know (barring those who married their childhood sweethearts) answers ‘Ten’ whenever they’re asked by a partner how many people they’ve slept with.

The answer stays the same even when they’re a decade older and had several long-term relationships in the meantime.

This is two more than the national ‘official’ figure.

The average number of sexual partners in the ‘average’ woman’s lifetime is eight, according to Natsal in The Lancet. The average for men is 12 partners.

An average tells us nothing in this instance - researchers lump in Aunt Betty who hasn’t had sex for 50 years with Becky, an 18-year-old, eagerly exploring sex for the first time, average out all the results and then call her the 'average woman'.

Quite apart from how ridiculous that is, I don’t think it’s a question anyone should answer anyway.

The reason why is this: numbers mean nothing without knowing the circumstances.

Reducing your sexual history to a number doesn’t work.

I interviewed three women a few years back for one of the books I was writing.

All were around 30.

The first had slept with 26 men, the second four and the third eight.

No prizes for guessing which girl would be judged the harshest by a partner.

But was she really the most promiscuous?

Here’s some more information:

The girl who’s had 26 lovers, has averaged around two lovers a year since she was 17 and been mainly single.

The girl who’d slept with eight men, put four of those notches in the bedpost during one resort holiday (a weekend actually) while her then-husband stayed home and looked after the kids.

The girl who slept with four had a threesome with two guys she met in a club. Outside, in a nearby alley. She was 18 and a self-proclaimed wild child at the time.

Now what do you think?

People will judge you no matter what answer you give when asked about past lovers and the assumption they make is usually wrong.

Which is why I don’t care who’s doing the asking – whether it’s your partner, mother, best friend or beauty therapist - your answer to how many lovers you’ve had is no answer.

(The only exceptions: your psychotherapist, gynaecologist or the nice people at the GU clinic who are testing you for STIs).

Keep your mouth zipped even if nothing else has been: by putting a number on your sexual history you’re removing the emotion and the circumstances.

And don’t kid yourself: if you do blurt out a figure to your boyfriend, you will be judged – and not necessarily by the same rules he judges himself on.

Even if he’s slept with 300, your three will be two too many.

After all, isn't the definition of a promiscuous person, someone who's slept with more than you have?

For more of Tracey's views on sex and relationships, check out traceycox.com

 

Are you choosing wisely or plain picky? Here's how to tell

Even if she didn't date BMX pro Kenny Sanders, the list of Taylor Swift's supposed suitors is still impressively long for a 24-year old (Harry Styles, Jake Gyllenhaal, Joe Jonas, Taylor Lautner, John Mayer, Connor Kennedy…)

Which begs the question: Is Taylor simply choosing wisely and carefully - or being picky?

As a multi-millionaire, supermodelesque pop powerhouse, she has every right to be.

Insisting on some standards shows you’ve got high self-esteem and a sense of your own self-worth.

But if you’re not a superstar and ditching partners because their left toenail’s not quite straight, being too picky can mean you’ve got zero chance of ever finding someone.

As much as I hate to say this, it’s a bit of a female thing.

Ask a man what he’s looking for in a woman and he’ll say something like, ‘Big knockers.’

Ask a woman and she’ll start counting off on her fingers. ‘Well, he’s got to be taller than me. And have great teeth, I can’t stand guys with bad teeth. I could never date a guy who had those awful patches of hair on his fingers – and he’s got to be blond and make me laugh and . . .’

Psychologists say it’s because women expect more from relationships than men do. We don’t just want a boyfriend, we want a lover, friend, playmate, career adviser, confidante, handyman, accountant, masseur, dishwasher and shrink.

That’s an awful lot of skills to find in one person.

Most of us drop a few (hundred) things off our wish lists when it becomes painfully clear we’d need to date a football team to fulfil all of them – but not all women are willing to let go.

Their wants remain etched in stone and they cling stubbornly to the belief that Mr Perfect is out there, they just haven’t met him yet.

Is this you?

Count up the number of dates you’ve been asked out on in the last year. How many did you accept?

A coffee with one guy out of seven?

If this is you, I have a question: if you don’t go out with very many men, how have you got the experience to know what sort of guy really would suit you?

Saving yourself for Mr or Ms Perfect isn’t just boring, it’s actually stopping you meeting them.

Most of us pick up ­relationship skills from every relationship we have, so the more people you date, the better at relationships you are.

Plus, you need to be out there.

True, your perfect match is going to turn up when you least expect it, in the least likely place, looking not at all like you expected. But they’re not going to come knocking on your front door (though I do know a girl who ended up marrying the man who came to fix her ceiling fan – true story!).

You’re being too picky if . . .

Dates accuse you of asking too many questions, too early. It’s a date, not a job interview, and they’re well aware you’re fishing. Asking where they went to school is fine. Asking what their father does for a living and what sort of car they drive isn’t.

You’ve only ever seen your perfect partner on a movie screen. The chances of meeting Bradley Cooper is slim. The chances of him falling in love with you if you do, pathetic.  

Your friends roll about in hysterical laughter when you tell them the type of person you’re hanging out for. Tell them your five ‘must have’s’ and see if they can keep a straight face. If they can’t, you’re being unrealistic (or, dare I say it, punching above your weight?)

Your friend, who rates similarly on the attractiveness scale, goes out on ten dates to your one. The point here’s rather obvious, don’t you think?

You wipe people after the first date. Give them at least three before you make up your mind. First impressions are often wrong.

You won’t go out with someone because they’re not your type physically. A wit as sharp as a razor blade, the ability to really listen to you, make you laugh your pants off – all can change your perception of how someone looks if you give them a chance.

You refuse dates because of where someone lives, the car they drive, their salary or their clothes. You’re not just being picky, you’re a snob. Does the word superficial ring a bell?

When it’s sensible to be a fusspot

If you were abused, you may subconsciously pick ­potential abusers. It’s wise to be cautious and screen new partners.

If you’ve just come out of a long-term relationship and are feeling raw and vulnerable. Why cause yourself more pain by diving into another bad relationship?

If you can’t say no to anyone. You’ve been on 25 dates in the last two weeks and didn’t really like or fancy any of them? Reverse all the suggestions I’ve made: you need to be more choosy, not less!

For more of Tracey's news and views, check out traceycox.com 

20 reasons why you’ve gone off sex (and how to get your mojo back!)

When was the last time you had sex so good, you didn’t stop grinning at each other for days?

OK, how about reasonably good sex that left you with a rather smug post-coital glow?

Hmm. Then how many of you fantasise more about sleeping in your bed than bouncing around on it?

Stressful jobs, fractious relationships, parenting, that monotonous commute - all combine to rob us of desire.

If sex is just another chore rather than something you look forward to, chances are one or more of the following is to blame.

Pinpoint the problem, then keep reading for some practical solutions.

Reasons why you’re not frothing at the mouth

Physical

• · A bad lover: zero technique eventually leads to zero desire.
• ·Exhaustion and stress
• · Poor general health or chronic illness
• · Excessive alcohol or drug abuse
• · A reaction to medication/recreational drugs
• · Depression
• · Low hormone levels.
• · Menopause, periods and pregnancy all alter our levels of desire.
• · Pelvic surgery (like hysterectomy) which has deadened nerve endings in the genital region.
• · No chemistry with partner.

Emotional

• · Relationships problems: feeling frustrated, angry or resentful toward partner or guilty, sad or ashamed over something you’ve done to them.
• · Low self-esteem or low sexual self-esteem
• · A bad body image
• · Poor sex education
• · A traumatic, earlier sexual experience
• · A history of unsatisfactory sex.
• · A strict religious upbringing which taught us sex is ‘bad’ and other negative sexual attitudes
• · Communication problems which stop us telling our partner what triggers we need to tip us over the orgasm edge.
• · Lack of trust
• · Tension – unresolved relationship conflicts resulting it one or both of you withholding sex as a punishment.

How to get back in the mood:

Get a good night’s sleep. Disturbed sleep leads to a reduction in the male hormone testosterone, which boosts both your libidos.

Take responsibility for your libido. Don’t expect your partner to turn you on, do it yourself! Make it your mission to pinpoint what gets you in the mood for sex then do more of it.

Let your imagination loose. Don’t be ashamed of your fantasies and refuse to feel guilty if having sex with someone other than your partner is one of them. Being unfaithful in reality isn’t on but it’s OK to do it in your head. Really. One survey found around 75% of us do it to keep sex fresh.

Meet halfway. If you don’t want intercourse, what about oral sex? If you don’t want oral sex or any sex yourself, do you mind pleasuring them? At the very least, you can and should be able to offer the physical intimacy of a cuddle.

Focus on sex, don’t avoid it. If you’re constantly being hassled for it, sex is often the last thing you want to watch or read about. Low libido people often avert their eyes when they see nudity, a sexy scene on telly or in the movies or flip the page if they hit a story in the newspapers or glossies.

Don’t. It’s just as easy to think yourself into sex than it is to talk yourself out of it and the more often you expose yourself to sexy literature and images, the sexier you’ll feel.

Know what you want and need to be satisfied sexually and I’m talking both in, and out of, bed. If you need to relax first, don’t be scared to ask for a massage. Or for them to do the dishes while you take a bath or shower.

Give sex a high priority in your life. If you’re avoiding it or not interested, chances are it’s the last thing you do, last thing at night. Well – Gosh! – funnily enough, even high sex drive people sometimes wonder if it’s worth the effort when they’re exhausted after a long day at work.

Get into a routine where you and your partner have chat-time then sex before you start dinner and switch the TV on. Or if you really are too stressed during the week, have breakfast in bed on the weekends and make that sex time. 

Get your body clocks in sync. A morning person matched with a night time one? If this is you, take turns on the time of day you make love. And try sex mid morning, midday and mid afternoon, not just morning or night

Sex does NOT equal intercourse. Plenty of people (women especially) don’t orgasm through intercourse alone, so tend to find penetrative sex quite boring. If sex is boring, it’s no wonder you’re not desperate to dive into bed! The more you mix up what you do, the higher the interest.

Don’t relax! Instead, focus on the erotic sensations you’re feeling. Tighten the muscles of your thighs, bottom, lower tummy and pelvic floor muscles to help trigger an orgasmic reflex.

Set up a craving cycle. Without wanting to point out the obvious, orgasms feel good. If something feels good, our body – quite logically – says ‘more please’ and sulks if we don’t obey by developing either psychological or physical cravings when denied its high. The more sex you have, the more you want. We quickly forget how great sex can be. Have good sex often and you’re constantly reminded of all the physical and emotional pluses.

 

To get yourself in the mood more, try Tracey's brilliant new product range Edge or download the free app