CAN MEN AND WOMEN REALLY BE ‘JUST FRIENDS’?

Look around pretty much any workplace that employs both sexes and you’ll usually spot a few men and women who enjoy a close friendship. Now answer this honestly: have you ever wondered if, well, there’s anything else going on?

Science has now put its hand up to express an opinion on the whole ‘Can men and women ever just be friends’ question. New research in The Journal of Social and Personal Relationships focuses on 88 pairs of American undergraduate students, all opposite sex friends, who were grilled separately (and mercilessly, it seems!) by researchers. Crucially, all the information was given anonymously and guaranteed to be kept confidential. If one friend confessed undying love and the other said ‘Couldn’t think of anything worse’, neither would ever know.

The result? Men and women thought differently. Now there’s a surprise. Turns out men are more attracted to their female friends than vice versa - and way more likely to think their female friends fancied them. Any romantic or sexual feelings they felt were assumed to be mutual. 

Because women tended not to fancy their male friends, they assumed the lack of attraction was mutual as well. In short: men overestimated how much their female friends fancied them, women underestimated.

Given this, it’s not surprising that men were also more willing to make a move on a female friend - regardless of whether she was attached or not. Whereas women, sweet creatures that we are, weren’t interested in pursuing male friends who were already involved with someone else.

Most telling of all though, was the finding that both sexes found it more a burden to fancy a friend than a bonus.

Even the topic is prickly - one that’s guaranteed to divide the table at any dinner party, no matter who you’re with or what company you’re in.

It makes people feel uncomfortable. If you don’t fancy the pants off your best male friend, you don’t want to think that while you’re moaning to him about work in the queue at Pret, he’s got you in a corset and nasty looking spiked heels, reenacting some weird Fifty Shades of Grey dungeon sex scenario in his head. If you’re the one dreaming of the day when they stare into your limpid, loving eyes and say, “Sod it! I know I’m risking a lot here but I just can’t not do this any longer’ before pulling you in for a deep, long, satisfying snog, it’s equally off-putting to imagine their reaction as ‘Yuk!”.

The scenario of one person thinking it’s just friendship, the other desperately hoping it will turn into love, happens. It happens a lot. I know this because it’s a common theme of emails sent to me by both men and women. No wonder both sexes see it as a negative: it is! Fancying a friend is a knotty, tricky, risky situation to be in and requires crafty, cunning manoeuvring because there’s so much to lose. Not just the friendship but your pride. Being rejected by a stranger in a bar is ego-deflating but being rejected by a best friend who knows you intimately is devastating. If you’re not lovable to a good friend, who is going to love you?

It takes a brave soul not to take the coward’s route and simply pump a mutual friend for information or send them in search of answers. Said friend then has to casually mention something like ‘Sarah’s terribly attractive, don’t you think? Have you ever thought about, you know, the two of you……?” then report back. (Said friend’s heart meanwhile dropping into her boots knowing it’s not going to be pretty if the answer is ‘No. But I do fancy Rachel’.)

Which is why I heartily recommend the ‘I had a dream about us’ technique for solving this one.

Here’s how it works.

The next time you’re chatting with the friend you fancy, you simply say, ‘Oh my God, I had the strangest dream about us last night! You and I were going out! How funny is that?” Their reaction will tell you all you need to know.

If they’re confident and feel the same, you’ll get a cheeky, broad grin and alert interest: “What happened? What were we doing?”. If they’re not so confident but feel the same, they’ll probably flush and dip their head, but still look back up at you, a little embarrassed but hopeful.

If they don’t feel the same, you’ll get either ‘Ewww! How weird is that!’ (at which point, you consider rushing out into the traffic) or ‘Hilarious! Could you imagine?” accompanied by much guffawing and slapping on the knee (when your eyes narrow and you instantly decide you actually despise, rather than desire them). 

Your heart might be splitting in two, but at least the situation is easily rescued with your friend none the wiser. If they aren’t interested, all you need to do now is chime in with ‘I know! Ewww/funny indeed! Dreams are weird, right?’, swiftly change the topic and move on. You have your answer and the friendship remains intact without everything being all weird and awkward afterward. Believe me, it works a hell of a lot better than pouncing after five drinks too many!

SEX BY NUMBERS 

Sex therapists classify a marriage as ‘no sex’ if you’re having sex less than 10 times per year. Around 20% of American couples have ‘no sex’ marriages - and figures are thought to be the same in the UK.

QUICK FIX: THE KIDS STOLE OUR SEX LIFE

Q: My husband and I both wanted kids but we’re really struggling now they’re here. It’s relentless - I had no idea it was going to be like this and I worry that sexually, we’ll never get back to how we were. Any tips on how to get through this?

A: It’s ironic that the product of sex - children - threatens the very thing that brought them into the world. It’s not just sleep deprivation that can turn a sexually charged couple into who-can-be-bothereds in under a week. The first thing to do is not panic. It’s normal for sex to be put on the backburner for the first two years. Your sex life hasn’t disappeared forever, I promise!

Here are some ways to stay both sane and sexual:

• Go to bed at the same time and sleep naked. Skin to skin contact will keep the connection going.
• Get and use babysitters. Bribe parents, sibings, cultivate a tribe of people you trust to look after your children.
• Grab any sex you can. Don’t be fussy. Ok sex is better for your relationship than no sex.
• Don’t worry if you don’t ‘finish’ having sex. When was the last time you finished a meal while it was hot? It’s just how it is for a while.
• Just do it. You’re both tired but avoiding sex - pretending to be asleep, worrying that you’ve hurt your partner by saying no - takes more effort than it does to have a quickie and both go to sleep with a smile on your face.
• Cheat with sex toys. Using a vibrator means orgasms for you are more guaranteed and - crucially - quicker. Time is precious when you have children. Make the most of it and have a browse through Lovehoney.

Write to Tracey at tracey@traceycox.com, tweet her at @TraceyCox or follow her on facebook.com/TraceyCoxSexpert.

Find out more about Tracey Cox, her books or product range at www.traceycox.com

 

WHICH IS WORSE: SINGLE AND LONELY OR MARRIED AND BORED?

 

HBO’s gritty, grotty and totally fabulous Girls (Sky Atlantic) aired last night to justifiably rave reviews for many reasons: it celebrated real woman’s bodies and it didn’t plonk all its four female lead characters into the traditional two boxes: single or attached.

Instead, it hinted at women making relationship choices that aren’t the norm. Which makes a pleasant change - and reflects reality. Today’s 20-somethings (and indeed thirty, forty and even some fifty-somethings) are finding two models don’t fit all and there’s something to be said for tailor-making your relationship to suit a changing world that applauds individual personality.

Most TV shows are guilty of stereotyping (understatement of the century!) and magazines definitely are, with most celebrity love pairings reported one of two ways: the female single and lonely (Jen pre Justin, Chantelle dowdy and dismal, Cheryl post Ashley pre Tre), or married and bored or long-suffering (Katy and Russell, Katie and Tom, Coleen and Wayne and take your pick from whichever footballer or news anchor happens to be front page for snogging someone they shouldn’t have).

You can see where it comes from, given most celebs have a pattern of being drawn to one state or the other. J-Lo clearly falls in the ‘single sucks’ camp, being a serial monogamist who hooks up quickly after a split. Cameron Diaz, snapped constantly grinning, partying or surfing, openly admits she finds the concept of marriage boring and ‘not for her’. Hope lies with quirky creatures like Chloe Sevigny - prepared to completely break the mould and admit she hasn’t worked out what she wants yet - even if she is hot-footing it to 40 at 37.

Perhaps the need to invent relationship models that work comes from a feeling that neither of the existing categories is perfect. Comedian Chris Rock made the observation years ago, astutely observing that when you’re single, you’re lonely but when you’re married, you’re bored. The grass will always be greener and you will always be peering over the fence.

A fabulous career, pots of money, lots of single people to play with and a to-die-for apartment will indeed make you happy if you stay solo. But when you’re sick, your parents die, your best friend disappears to the other side of the world and you lose your job, you’re going to wish like hell you had a husband and kids.

If you go down that route - hold hands with someone, stand side by side and smile brightly at the future, adding the odd sprog or two along the way - you will certainly have moments when you feel loved, protected, safe and immensely happy.

But when the baby keeps crying, your husband confesses he thinks he might be gay, the son you had earmarked for Eton gets “F*** you!’ tattooed on their tongue and you’re so bored by the relentless tedium and monotony of monogamy and marriage, being single looks so damn attractive you can smell the divorce lawyer’s aftershave.

With no clear winner are we destined to drift constantly between the two states, never happy, always wanting what we don’t have?

This is why shows like Girls are so gleefully embraced by women world-wide. It offers choice and options which are sorely needed. After all, marriage suits some, single suits others but what about people who suit neither? The trick is knowing who you are and what you want and not being bullied by everyone around you: all quick to offer their opinions to make you choose the same path they have (often so they don’t have to regret their decision by seeing the positive side of yours). Whatever you choose, you’ll still lie in bed on all those ‘milestone’ birthdays wishing you’d done the opposite. “I wish I’d got married.” “I wish I’d had children”. “I wish I’d stayed single.” “Why did I have children?” “Did I marry the wrong man?” “Was Greg The One?” “Perhaps I should have been a lesbian.” But if you dare to deviate, at least you have the ‘I gave it my best shot’ card to comfort you! I vote for being brave.

SEX BY NUMBERS

One in five adults has sex 3-4 times a week and only five percent have sex every day.

QUICK FIX: Lingerie lost on him

Q: For my husband’s birthday, I splashed out on some supersexy underwear and wore it to bed that night. He said ‘Wow!’ when he saw it but two seconds later, he’d ripped it off! What was the point of making the effort if he’s not even going to admire me in it? I was really annoyed and felt like the whole thing was a waste of time and money.

A: Really? I’d have said the complete opposite, judging by his response! You don’t say how long you’ve been married but having your husband rip your underwear off in two seconds flat to have his wicked way with you seems positive to me! But I do get where you’re coming from. Next time, disappear to the bathroom, leaving him waiting in bed for you, then emerge to pose in the doorway, before walking s-l-o-w-l-y over to the bed. Even if it’s still off in flash, at least you got to show off a little and he got the full effect. Another good trick: put it on as you’re both getting ready to go to work. Let him see you’re wearing it underneath your work clothes but leave it till the last moment so he can’t do anything other than admire you (and hope like mad you’re wearing it to titillate him rather than your new boss!). If you don’t work, wear it under whatever you wear around the house.

Write to Tracey at tracey@traceycox.com, tweet her at @TraceyCox or follow her on facebook.com/TraceyCoxSexpert. 

Find out more about Tracey Cox, her books or product range at www.traceycox.com

 

Can first date sex lead to long lasting love?

Good news for anyone who’s ever opened their eyes to find themselves lying next to someone they met the night before: turns out you haven’t necessarily blown your chances of long-term love by sleeping with someone on the first night.

A new American study of 640 adults in Chicago has unearthed a rather surprising result: couples who slept together on the first night were just as likely to end up happy long-term as couples who put off doing the deed until they became more serious. Good news for all the not-so-good girls who spend the next day’s ‘walk of shame’ paranoid and panicking that the guy won’t call because he got what he wanted.

Sometimes, you meet someone and it feels so right and so natural, sex just happens. We’re all adults, right? Isn’t it a bit old-school and anti-feminist to wait for sex?

In some ways yes.

But I’d still advise postponing it, at least for a little while, simply because once you sleep with someone, there’s no excuse for not doing it again. You’re instantly thrust into a far more intimate space than you were. Ideally, we’d all date each other (minus sex) until both are reasonably sure you’re compatible, want the same thing out of the relationship and, most importantly, think you might make each other happy. This requires logical thinking and objectivity. Good sex rather effectively robs us of both instantly. It’s extremely difficult to look at your new partner sensibly and objectively while their tongue is working its way up your thigh.

Psychologists call this ‘lust blindness’. You get so involved with your partner’s body, you forget to look closely at the person inside it. It’s how people end up emotionally involved with people they later find out are bad for them - the ‘I don’t like him but I’m in love with him’ feeling. No-one falls in love with a nasty piece of work when they’re thinking straight. But if you put your brain on hold and get involved with their body, you can stumble out of that glorious, lust-infused haze, rub your eyes and find you’ve made all sorts of promises and commitments to someone who wasn’t worth getting intimate with in the first place.

Reading this on your phone and the horse has already bolted? Another key finding of the study published in the Journal of Social Science Research was that for love to blossom from first-night sex, both people had to be open to the idea of a committed relationship. So instead of plotting a hasty embarrassed exit, you’re actually better off staying put and snuggling up. Let them know you want more and you might just find your one-night-stand turns into a long, lovely relationship!

SEX BY NUMBERS  

The ‘seven year itch’ is a myth. It’s the title of a movie that had a fictional book in it, by a fictional author, who claimed men have affairs after seven years of marriage. There never has been any evidence to support it.

QUICK FIX: Can I make myself fancy him?

Q: My partner of two years is an attractive, kind, funny man who adores me. Everyone’s always telling me how lucky I am to have him but the reality is I don’t fancy him and don’t think I ever did! I love him desperately though and really want it to work. Is there a way to make yourself fancy someone? I fancy other men, so I do have a libido!

A: Love ‘purists’ will tell you if the sexual spark isn’t there at the start, it’s not possible to manufacture it. In a sense, I agree. But you’re not asking me to create chemistry, you’re asking me if it’s possible to make yourself fancy someone you love and the answer is yes.

Desire is a decision. Even if you had fancied your partner at the start, it tends to disappears over time. The trick to long-term lust is to turn yourself on, rather than expect your partner to do it for you.

You have a healthy libido, tap into it and build it by reading some erotic books (God knows there are enough of them out there now, thanks to the Fifty Shades effect!). Use them to create a little ‘library’ of fantasies that turn you on, then replay them in your head while you’re with your partner. Also teach him the techniques that work for you. If you close your eyes and fantasise as he’s doing the things you like, sex can be satisfying. Once you’ve had a few sessions that work this way, your brain and body will start to link your partner with good sex. The two will fuse - and you’ll start to fancy him.

This sounds manipulative but it’s what couples with healthy sex drives do instinctively over time. It’s not easy to make love to the same person and enjoy it for the rest of your life, despite society telling us this is how it should be! 

Write to Tracey at tracey@traceycox.com, tweet her at @TraceyCox or follow her on facebook.com/TraceyCoxSexpert.

Find out more about Tracey Cox, her books or products at www.traceycox.com