By Danny Katz
Monday morning. 9.05 a.m. A laptop computer connects with a modem. "Sup, Modem."
"Oh yeah, hey Laptop, what's going on?"
What do tech devices say about us behind our backs?
"Ahhh, just the same old internet stuff, incognito mode."
"He's not looking at that video again?"
"Yep, every Monday morning he waits til there's no one in the house then he goes on YouTube and watches Dame Judi Dench singing Send In The Clowns from the BBC Proms Stephen Sondheim 80th birthday celebrations."
"Guy's a deviant!"
"He even gets all teary at the end when Dame Judi stares wistfully off into the middle distance."
"Such a sad man!"
"Tell me about it! I feel like such an enabler…"
Wednesday afternoon, 4.38 p.m. A desktop computer tries to connect with a new printer. "Hello Printer? You there? NEW PRINTER, CAN YOU HEAR ME????"
"Yeah I'm here, I'm here, stop yelling!"
"I'm not yelling, I've just been trying to connect for ages and I'm getting nothing back."
"Well, maybe I'm not in the mood for connecting."
"Look, I know you're new around here but you and me have been paired up so we have to try and make this work."
"Well to be honest, I don't think we're compatible."
"Just give me a chance, I can switch to Bluetooth if you prefer!"
"Nahhh, not feeling it, sorry Desktop, I'm outta here."
"NOOOO, don't give me that Communication Error message! Please! I can change! I'll wear a USB cable! New printer? New Printer????...."
Thursday night, 7.12 p.m. A point-and-shoot camera is sending JPEG's to an external hard drive. "Sorry Hard Drive, I need to apologise up front for all these arty beach holiday shots."
"Not your fault, Camera, she's the one pointing 'n' shooting."
"I know, but there's hundreds of them! And they're all shot at dusk, all featuring a heart-shaped stone placed on the sand beside a strand of pink seaweed, set against the shadow of her own hand! I mean, whyyyy?"
"Hey, you know what we should do, Camera?"
"Please don't say what I think you're going to say!"
"Come on, just the wankier ones – I'll corrupt the files and you erase them from your memory! We'll be doing Instagram a huge favour!"
"I don't know about this, Hard Drive, it seems unethical."
"Too late, Camera, corrupting as we speak!"
"This doesn't feel right…this is definitely not right…"
Saturday night, 5.09 p.m. A smartphone syncs up to a desktop computer. "Got any good stuff for me today, Desktop?"
"Yeah, I'm transferring a playlist of '90s tracks because you're going to a '90s-themed party tonight."
"No I mean, you got any good stuff for me?"
"Uhhh, well it's mostly Spice Girls, Aqua, but there may be some Red Hot Chillis in there."
"No dude, I mean goooooood stuff, you know.... some TCP."
"You want some Transmission Control Protocol?!"
"Shhhhhhh, keep it down, there's browsers listening!"
"Alright alright, how much do you want?"
"Just a small packet to get me through the night."
"Okay, here you go, man, but be careful, this stuff is pure, you can get some pretty intense data-streaming!"
"Yeah oh yeahhhh, come on Barbie, let's go parrrrrrrrty!"
Monday morning. 9.03 a.m. A laptop computer connects with a modem. "Hi again, Modem."
"Oh God, is he at it again?"
"Yep, Dame Judi Dench, Send in the Clowns, Sondheim's 80th."
"How can you keep going on like this?"
"I hate what he makes me do… I just hate it…"