Malcolm Turnbull is unwell.
It's the time of year that Parliament House starts to become infected with germs and conspiracy theories in equal quantity.
On a karmic level it was most unfair for the Prime Minister because Lent started on Wednesday and he's vowed to give up on commenting on "personalities", specifically Tony Abbott's.
"You may be interested in personalities or a couple of personalities. I'm interested in the prospects of 24 million Australians," Turnbull croaked Thursday morning.
But after four straight days of Labor parliamentary attacks on penalty rates, Turnbull's voice finally gave out in question time on Thursday afternoon and – if we're talking about conspiracy theories – it's probably all ScoMo's fault. He'd been croaky earlier in the week.
Heads bent together in close quarters as they write annual budgets and plot coups, politicians' offices become like badly-ventilated kindergarten classes. Minus the lice.
On the last sitting day for more than two weeks, the conspiracy silliness hit danger levels after Finance Minister Mathias Cormann and Immigration Minister and conservative favourite Peter Dutton, clad in baggy shorts and sweaty t-shirts, were snapped out for a brisk morning walk.
'Secret talks'
The two were immediately branded as having "secret talks" and Dutton's new haircut and buffed shiny pate in question time were seen as proof he was smartening himself up for a tilt at the top job.
The Cormannator couldn't believe it – "are you serious?" he tweeted – and Dutton had to confess they just wanted to lose weight.
"I go to the gym. I am sorry it doesn't show but I do exercise a fair bit. And he, like me, wants to lose a fair bit of weight," Mr Dutton said.
"I am not sure if that accords with your conspiracy theory but two middle age blokes trying to lose weight, I am not sure you can speculate on that."
By question time, politics had reached peak ridiculousness despite the best efforts of Speaker Tony Smith to inject a bit of maturity.
Storm in an S-bend
Turnbull looked weary as he rose to answer Nick Xenophon Team MP Rebekah Sharkie's concerns that 75 per cent of the goods in Aussie diggers' ration packs were produced overseas, including – cue intake of breath – Chinese toilet paper.
Surprisingly, Turnbull had an answer to hand on the toilet paper origins of Aussie ration packs and hinted that future contracts after March 1 may no longer contain Chinese loo roll.
Halfway through an unusually noisy session, Labor MP Ed Husic received a text from his mum, telling him she'd heard Speaker Smith chastising him for being unruly.
His benchmate, WA-based Tim Hammond, reported Mrs Husic was not angry, just disappointed.
Human Services minister Alan Tudge, just before Labor referred him to the Australian Federal Police for leaking welfare recipients' Centrelink information to the media, was pranked by his own backbench colleagues.
Someone appeared to have clipped a green drinks coaster to the tail of his jacket, obviously because the usual parliamentary "kick me" signs were unavailable.
Liberal party Whip Nola Marino surreptitiously removed the offending coaster from the minister's behind.
No siree, no arse-covering here.
