"I'm not really into black girls."
There have been a few times I've felt excited about the prospect of meeting someone I'm attracted to, only to be on the receiving end of that line. How does one respond? And what does that even mean? It's not like if I were blonde, and he preferred brunettes, that I could just change my hair colour.
This is the skin I was born in. It's not changing any time soon.
After having little success IRL meeting anyone that I liked, I thought I'd give online dating a try. After unsuccessful attempts on a few apps, a girlfriend of mine (she's white) suggested I try a location-based app that she'd been using and had great success on (something like 100 matches in the week that she was on). I thought, why not, and gave it a try. I was on the same amount of time as her and got two matches (one of those was a 'nudge').
I didn't understand why I was doing so badly. I'd uploaded cute photos, kept the information about myself fairly simple and was swiping yes to most guys. I'd long suspected my race could be hindering my chances of finding love online, but I had no evidence to support this.
So what's a single girl to do?
Well, in my case, I decided I would try and find some answers. And that's exactly what I set out to do in my documentary Date My Race.
I was curious to find out why people choose to date only within their race, or if outside, choose to date only a specific race as well. Prior to the show, I'd assumed that most people did this consciously – it is after all, one of the biggest decisions you'll ever make in your life; finding a compatible partner!
Turns out, some people actually don't question it. I was surprised to learn that for some people, who they pair up with is based on what's familiar or what they've grown up seeing deemed as beautiful.
In fact, I met one woman while filming this documentary named Evelyn, who talked about how story books about Prince Charming as a child influenced who she was attracted to. "Have you ever seen an African Prince Charming? Or an Asian Prince Charming?" she said.
Think about it: what we watch and read could be influencing who we're attracted to. Someone else's idea of beauty could be setting the standard for who we're attracted to and why.
But for some people, it is a conscious choice to date a specific race. One of the guys in the documentary, Zan, for example, is a gay Asian man and only dates white men.
He doesn't consider himself attracted to his own race – and he made no apologies about that. After spending some time with Zan, I learnt that his upbringing may have factored into what he considered attractive.
Both Evelyn and Zan were open to explore what shaped their prejudices and consider the possibility of being open to dating anyone that shared the same values as they did.
Through a series of experiments we did in the documentary, they were able to look beyond race, and patterns started to emerge. When they started to engage with people on a human to human level, away from whatever prejudices they might have had, real connections started to form.
Whatever views they might have had about certain groups of people also started to shift. After conducting a series of social experiments, meeting people with strong racial preferences, and speaking to academics that deal with race, attractiveness and the online space, I was delivered the depressing verdict: Yes, my race is holding me back.
So the next question is: is it racist that some people are swiping past me? While the single innocent act of rejecting one person can be seen as a preference, when more people are repeating the same behaviour, it does have significant outcomes for certain groups of people which becomes racist.
But surely you should be able to date whomever you're attracted to, right?
Of course. However, ask yourself why you're rejecting certain groups of people. What's shaping those decisions and is there any truth to it?
You may be eliminating so many compatible people based on the colour of their skin without giving them a chance.
It was depressing to be given the verdict that people are dismissing me based on the colour of my skin. Going on this personal journey gave me insight into why people behave the way they do in online dating.
So where does that leave me?
I'm happily single and logged off the online dating apps – I think my chances are better IRL.
Date My Race airs on SBS 8.30pm Monday 27 February