I spent my adolescence and 20s in a whirlwind of highs and lows with broody, troubled men wearing tight jeans and scowling lips, trying to save them from themselves. As my journals filled with lovesick poetry, oh the good men I overlooked! Brainy, insightful, caring; men who went on to become such wonderful husbands and life partners. To a certain extent, we're liable for the relationships that we pursue, and there are ways to maximise our chances for romantic bliss.
Step outside of type
Last weekend, I went out with one of my closest single friends, who has long black hair and an appetite for rock'n'rollers. Upon entering the bar, I yelled to her, "No skinny Irish musicians, okay?" Most of us have a type. How has your type been working out? Apply the well-known definition of insanity – doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results – to your dating history. Is change called for?
Love thyself
The object of our desire often reflects hidden beliefs about ourselves. If we think we're not good enough, we're likely to choose men who confirm this. Sort out your shit. A happy inner self equates to seeking healthier relationships.
Granny's advice: date for companionability rather than lust
Lust totally matters. But over time – and kids, stress, illness – what matters more are common values, a sense of humour and liking the person with whom you're sharing your life. Sexual attraction is untrustworthy.
It can trick us into relationships that re-enact childhood scripts. It's no coincidence that the daughter of an alcoholic is "attracted" to the handsome man at the bar, drink in hand. Raised on Hollywood ideals of "ever after", we expect fire from the start. But deeper attractions can build as we get to know someone better.
Give the good guys a chance
Boring? Dull? Hmmm. Before you swipe left, hang out with a "good guy" a few times and try to unearth what he's passionate about. Get him talking, laughing, and keep an open mind. After all, wild, slightly mad, utterly charismatic men are usually … really bad boyfriends, right?
Redefine sexy. Aren't qualities such as intelligent, reliable, kind, patient, hard-working, honest and communicative more compelling than devil-may-care nonchalance?
Think of the bigger picture. Ask yourself: how would the person you want to date, or are dating, act if, say, you were diagnosed with breast cancer? Or, if you want to build a family, what kind of dad might they be? Pick men who know how to love, how to commit, and how to be in a grown-up relationship.
Where are they? Have all the good ones been snapped up?
Up until your 20s, there are an abundance of good guys out there. At school, at parties, everywhere. By your mid-30s, many of them start committing to their partners, having kids and settling down. So in a woman's late 30s and early 40s, there seems to be a drop of available good men – and, sigh, there is lots of competition.
Fear not! Divorce soon renders many "good men" single again. (In Australia the median age at divorce is 45.3 years for men and 42.7 years for women.) In fact, dating spikes after the divorce or death of a partner. Gah!
Think global, act local … or vice versa
We are no longer confined to the dating pool of our immediate surrounds, so take advantage of internet dating sites and other social media connections. Alternatively, why not save up and take a one-month holiday in a romantic city overseas?
Stay optimistic
Don't write off the entire opposite sex just because you've had some bad experiences. It is our heart, our life, our choice. At whatever age, love is a numbers game. Get out there. Make your battle cry "thick skin, warm heart". If all else fails, consider a one-way ticket to Brazil: there are gorgeous, educated men everywhere. That was my plan. But, just when I least suspected it, I met my good man