If the Liberal Party were a schoolyard - and really, it is, isn't it? - there'd be excitable kids rushing about, yelling that oldest of rallying cries: "Fight, fight, fight."
Here's Tony Abbott squaring off with his five-point plan for victory, neglecting only to shout the as-yet unspoken sixth, which is that he must be returned as gang leader.
And here's Malcolm Turnbull drawing a new line with his toe, a metre back from the one he drew before, and muttering "I won't be provoked."
Which sounds like a fellow whose alert level has just moved from agitated to adrenally disturbed.
Meanwhile, Christopher Pyne is dancing around, throwing shadow jabs and getting himself in a frightful lather of excitement. How dare Abbott, who Christopher once adored, nettle Malcolm, who Christopher has really, really come to cherish since the Adelaide $50 billion subs thing?
Lurking in the shadows, Eric Abetz and Kevin Andrews, the geriatrics from grade 13, are almost weeing themselves at the prospect that their champion bruiser might actually step across that line. Peter Dutton and Scott Morrison shift nervously, fearful that something could actually come of this madness and Abbott could beat them to the prize.
Abbott, once so scatter-brained he chose Prince Philip of the House of Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Glücksburg as his knight defender, has clearly been working on his timing.
Pauline Hanson has been seeding ever-spreading broad-acre paddocks with a new anti-immigration strain. Jump on that tractor and call it a housing policy. Tick.
Turnbull and his own ministers have been questioning renewable energy and talking up coal in fear of increased energy costs. Get on that message and soup it up. Tick.
The Human Rights Commission? Its only remaining friends are lefties. Elite bullies who don't like freedom of speech, even if it's only to call little kids names. This is 2017, the year of Trump. Malcolm doesn't much like the commission any more, so he can't argue. Scrap it. Tick.
The Senate. Enough said. Drives people crazy. Been useful driving Malcolm crazy, of course, but wouldn't want that to continue under a sensible new leader. Reform it, whatever that means. Tick.
Oh, yes. And STOP THE SPENDING. Makes no actual sense, but you know, three-word slogans. They work. Tick.
A five-point plan. With a sixth to come.
"I won't be provoked," says Malcolm. Not half. He's already been provoked. Better sharpen the toe to draw another line.
Problem is, every kid knows that once a challenge is made in a schoolyard, there's no stepping away from it. You can hear the chant growing, and Bill Shorten's voice is joining in, loud with delight.
"Fight, fight, fight."