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5 tweaks to make the Oscars great again

Natalie Reilly

The Academy Awards are on Monday. Apart from the record-breaking nominations for both black and non-white actors this year, and the recognition of more diverse movies, we know that Oscar is both literally and figuratively, very old, very straight and very rich. You don't force sweeping change on an old rich guy or someone's going to end up calling 000. So these are just tweaks – and just five of them – to make the Oscars great again. 

1. Shorten the ceremony!

Oscar host Jimmy Kimmel told Vanity Fair that he expects the telecast to be 3½  hours long, which is morally reprehensible. Here's what we do. Best foreign language film – yes, that needs a platform, especially in this political climate. Best editing, yep, sure. It's one of the unsung heroes of filmmaking, as is cinematography. But that's my limit! So, everyone else, get up on the stage, quick! I SAID Quick! Let's run through all the minor technical award winners while the ads are on. We'll have Kate Hudson or someone give us a summary when we return from break. 

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2. Change the red carpet pre-show hosts

The red carpet is a necessary evil because we want to see the pretty people move around in their fancy clothes. But instead of cringe-worthy talking heads making faux pas and stumbling into racism, may I present Billy Eichner. He stars in Difficult People, which is Will & Grace, if Will & Grace starred Larry David. He has the energy of a thousand Red Bulls and he has another show called Billy on the Street where he accosts strangers and celebrities and asks them hilarious questions, so he's not afraid to stick a microphone in someone's face. 

But what makes Eichner uniquely qualified is his passion for pop culture. He used to dress up in a suit to watch the Oscars as a child. So, instead of "What are you wearing?" Eichner will ask questions we actually care about, and other gems, such as "Can you name five straight people you actually like?"

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3. Get rid of Jimmy Kimmel

He's inoffensive, which is the problem. And that Matt Damon bit is so tired (13 years!),  it's practically comatose.

We need a new, dapper host. We need Seth Meyers. The former head writer of Saturday Night Live is erudite and self-deprecating and his Late Night show is the smartest one on TV – largely because of his witty political analysis. You're going to get political jokes at the Oscars for the next three years, with Meyers at least you'll know they'll be funny. 

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Meyers was also head of the writing team behind Tina Fey and Amy Poehler when they hosted the Golden Globes, so you know the jokes will be slightly less predictable than, say…

"Meryl Streep is here tonight, ladies and gentlemen. Hi Meryl! How are you feeling? Underrated?!"

But let's talk long-game. We really want Amy Schumer, but Oscar is what he is, so baby steps. Schumer is bold, she's loose; she's bawdy; she'll say the things we're all thinking but are too afraid to say in front of roughly 100 million people. Let's start Amy on the Globes for 2018, while Seth hosts the Oscars and then have them switch until death.

4. Ruth Negga for best actress

I know Emma Stone is the clear favourite, I wasn't born in a ditch. But La La Land was the pumpkin-spiced latte of musicals. Awarding Stone best actress would be condoning this. 

Negga deserves best actress because, in an industry that likes to award over-emoting, her performance was quiet and still. It's the same reason I want Casey Affleck to win, (I know that's problematic). I also want Manchester by the Sea to get best picture because it's as pure and as a tragic as Shakespeare. But it's one white movie too many.

Anyway! Loving, based on the true story of an interracial couple who break the law by marrying, is an imperfect film with an extremely pertinent theme and Negga is the heart of it. And in case you hadn't noticed, she's a woman of colour. Her mother is Irish, her late father was Ethiopian. How delicious then, given the climate, that a woman of colour, who is not even American, should win? 

Photo gallery
A semi-thorough investigation of Ruth Negga's love for prints and colour

5. Make the presenters funny

This means nobody gets to present an award just because they've mastered boob tape.

Here are two suggestions for jokes.

Sub-tweak 1. The stars of TV's Strangest Things, Millie Bobby Brown and Winona Ryder, pair up to introduce best adapted screenplay. While Millie is waxing on about screenwriting, the camera goes in for a close up of Winona Ryder, who makes every weird facial expression she can muster, as a parody of her now-viral reaction at the SAG awards. In a voiceover, Winona she explains her thought process. "What am I doing here? Oh, right, I used to be in movies. I loved movies. But I also love the colour brown. And hamsters. But only as pets. I don't want to like, eat them or anything. Gross!

Wait. Did I leave my hair straightener on? OH FUUUU----."

Sub-tweak 2. Will Ferrell has a movie out in June called The House, in which he stars opposite Poehler, so there's every chance they'll present to promote it. These two are delightfully funny but I'd love it if Will did his famous impersonation of George W. Bush. He can come out and say, "It's been a while America, I been busy painting. But I'm here to say one thing: How do y'all like me now?"