This year the Academy Awards ceremony is going to be a pepper spray-soaked mosh pit of dissent
Barking mad celebrities will call for everything from the end of contact sports to a clothing-optional Congress
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This year’s award-season speeches, capped by Ashton Kutcher’s fertile Screen Actors Guild cry “We are all immigrants at airports!” indicate that the 790th annual Academy Awards will burn down all the barns. The Oscars are poised to be the most political awards ceremony since Robert Redford streaked naked past a Native American who was refusing to accept Marlon Brando’s award for best actor in a film about forced-butter butt sex.
I, dubbed by “Vanity Fair” and “Breitbart Hollywood” as “the Rex Reed of Central Texas,” have received draft copies of the nominees’ Oscar acceptance speeches. Would you like to see them? Well, here are some choice quotes anyway:
“You will not tell me which bathroom I can or cannot use! You will not tell me what I can or cannot do with the contents of my womb! You will not keep me from crossing borders! This is my America and I am a free American!”
—Andrew Garfield
“I dedicate this award to all the women who have suffered silently as the victims of sexual harassment and violence. It is the world’s greatest shame, and we must do everything we can to punish the perpetrators of these crimes. They must be denied a voice. They can never be honored.”
—Casey Affleck
“Tonight I speak for the rights of all animals. We must stop eating them if we are to retain our humanity. This was taught to me by the novelist Jonathan Safran Foer. I wait at the window for him, wearing only a men’s dress shirt and panties, hoping he will soon hand deliver me another letter of wisdom.”
—Natalie Portman
“We must do everything we can as a society to preserve our most precious American art form: jazz. I hold this golden statue aloft to honor the thousands of nameless black heroin addicts who played the music and then died so I could have two white actors tap dance clumsily on the ceiling of the Griffith Park Observatory. Salt peanuts! Salt peanuts!”
—Damien Chazelle