Kitchen gadgets review: coconut grater – an ugly pleasure of the flesh

Its suction foot and serrated spokes look hideous but this device works well, producing a creamy bounty to sex up curry or cake, ice-cream or fish fries

Rhik Samadder and coconut — ‘How to emancipate these librarians of the fruit world?’ Photograph: Graeme Robertson for the Guardian

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Kitchen gadgets review: coconut grater – an ugly pleasure of the flesh

Its suction foot and serrated spokes look hideous but this device works well, producing a creamy bounty to sex up curry or cake, ice-cream or fish fries

Rhik Samadder

@whatsamadder

What?

Suction-footed shaft supporting a hand-cranked rotary coconut grater (£14.99, Coconutty.co.uk). Separates flesh from shell within bisected coconuts.

Why?

If you’re loco for the coco, look no further.

Well?

Rhik tastes the ‘uniquely delicious’ coconut water. Photograph: Graeme Robertson for the Guardian

Did you know the coconut isn’t actually a nut, it’s a bloody nuisance? A fibrous boat containing a wooden bowling ball, which is full of water. Who would bother with ’em? Except they are uniquely delicious, and more versatile than Meryl Streep on a yoga mat. Is it a seed? Nut? Fruit? Technically, coconuts are classified as a “dry drupe”. (Maybe they were tired at the time of testing, or had a stressful week.) Whatever they are, I’m craving fresh coconut this week, all over my porridge. Think of the creamy bounty locked inside that desiccated husk, dying to shake down its dry hair.

How to emancipate these librarians of the fruit world? This gadget can help – but I have to get inside one of the damn things first. I turn to internet video tutorials. A survivalist bro in board shorts advises me to drop weight on my coconut “from the rocky part of the beach”. Honestly, this ding-dong in his Oakley sunglasses, you can smell the Bear Grylls pillowcase coming off him. As I’m not on a desert island, I make do with household tools. (Knocking a hammer along the equator of the shell opens up a hairline fracture, so I can pull it apart feeling like the Incredible Hulk. Recommended.)

Coconuts: more versatile than Meryl Streep on a yoga mat. Photograph: Graeme Robertson for the Guardian

Once I’m in, it’s time for the grater to shine. Sort of. The suction base is made of grimy rubber and arrives looking old, while the revolving head’s eight serrated spokes might have been designed for trepanning a cow. Despite the shonky appearance, it works surprisingly well – turning over a lever pressurises the suction base, fixing the device to the countertop while I whirl the blades against the coconut meat.

Nut or not, the shavings taste ex-seedingly good. The blades mince evenly, although fluffy shreds drift everywhere like a snowglobe scene. The resulting pile is creamy and fresh, ready to sex up curry or cake, ice-cream or fish fries. My porridge is through the roof. I’m happy to share a (breakfast) island with this coconut grater; it’s not much to look at, but the liberation of the flesh is its own reward.