You know the Rumour Mill as an all-singing, all-smiling transfer tattle generator. And it is. Most of the time. But sometimes, just sometimes, its goat gets taken. Twitter will do it. People who chew with their mouths open too. Not to mention those who blather about their friends’ love lives on a busy bus on a Sunday afternoon in north London. But none, repeat none, bring forth the angry tears more so than those who talk at concerts. Seriously people. What is the world coming to when a person can’t go to a gig and shut their cake hole for an hour or two while the wonderment of music unfolds before their very ears? Oh, how the Mill wishes to weep but sorrow is stupid and there are lies to be made up. Speaking of. Let’s go.
First up is Liverpool. Brendan Rodgers is sick to the back (of his very white) teeth with Mario Balotelli finally getting his back side into gear and scoring important goals, as well as contributing to the team, and so he has decided to flog him to the 45th caller who rings up the club and shouts the phrase that pays – the night old stars twinkled again – down the phone. In order not to miss out, Sampdoria charged their phone over night and typed Liverpool’s digits into the first eight speed dial entries on their phone. Balotelli will be a bit reluctant at first but when Sampdoria tell him how nice it is to stroll down the Via XX Settembre with a mint and strawberry ice-cream to hand and sit in the Piazza De Ferrari and watch the weather go by before a nice seafood meal in one of the many restaurants by the port, Balotelli will get nostalgic for his Italy and agree right away. Brendan will pretend that he is sad to see him go but smart cookie that he is, Brendan already has a replacement ready to go in the shape of Luciano Vietto. The 21-year old Villarreal striker has no caps for Argentina, has had one decent half-season and very little experience playing at the highest level and so sounds just like the sort of proven forward that Liverpool are in need of.
Over at Manchester United, Louis van Gaal is angry but his anger is not aimed at people who talk at gigs. (Van Gaal doesn’t go to gigs, he just stays at home, sits in his favourite chair and plays recordings of his best press conferences at very loud volume, laughing to himself when he knows a particularly good verbal slap-down is on its way.) The reason for his anger is that so far this season his wingers have been pants. Big, baggy, bad-smelling, unwashed, ill-kempt pants. The sort of pants that Van Gaal despises. To combat this, Jack, he dialled up PSV Eindhoven – and being fully versed in how the Dutch like to do business – he did not make small talk nor did he ask personal question. Instead he asked directly about the availability of Memphis Depay. The words “he has the option to leave after this season” was the reply from the other end and suddenly sunshine burst through the windows. Van Gaal put down the phone, smiled and replayed his favourite part of the recording.
Speaking of United, they are dangerously underweight when it comes to forwards so they have been putting in calls to Internazionale, saying nice things about their hair, asking how their mother has been and how the kids are getting on at school, all in an attempt to grease them up like a muscle-caked caretaker that need to fit in a tight school vent in order to rescue a trapped dog. But Inter see through the compliments as they would with freshly wiped windows. They know that United want something and they know it is Mauro Icardi. They’ll tell United – as well as Chelsea and Arsenal – where to go in a sentence littered with unprintable adjectives.
Finally. Chelsea have decided that the world is all too angry a place right now and that we are all need a laugh, the type of laugh where it is hard too breathe, the type of laugh where your belly shakes like jelly, the type of laugh where your sides feel like they have gone 12 rib-bruising rounds with Manny Pacquiao. But how could they do this, you ask? What could they possibly do that would have us so inebriated with laughter? Sign Rob Green, of course.
