While addressing a rally in Florida on Saturday evening, well known truth teller and non-stuff-maker-upper Honest Donald Trump did what no other world leader was game to do: call out the horrific terrorism that struck Sweden the night before.
"You look at what's happening in Germany, you look at what's happening last night in Sweden," he said, drawing comparisons with the terrorist attacks in Nice, Brussels and Paris in the middle of a rant about unchecked immigration leading to terrorism.
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Trump cites non-existent Swedish terror attack
US President Donald Trump tries to link Sweden's generous refugee intake with a non-existent terror attack, prompting a social media backlash and the question, what has Trump been smoking?
"Sweden," he clarified. "Who would believe this? Sweden."
The world was briefly surprised since the biggest Swedish news of note from Friday was a report that "a wooden moose got the attention of a lovesick moose bull".
While this was inarguably a humiliating tragedy for the proud bull moose of Skellefteå, it was hard to see any obvious reason why this would be connected with the threat of global terrorism - not least because the political affiliations of the moose bull, at the time of writing, remain unknown.
Former Swedish prime minister Carl Bildt reached out, world leader to world leader, to tweet "Sweden? Terror attack? What has he been smoking? Questions abound."
Now, there are a few different ways one could interpret this.
One that we can immediately dismiss is that Trump just makes up lies off the top of his head because he's an incompetent fraud desperately attempting to deflect attention away from his own shortcomings. That, obviously, is wrong because, as Trump regularly reminds us, he was elected President of the US by the greatest margin in history, once you eliminate the larger number of people who voted for Hillary Clinton.
The second possibility is that Trump was confused by a Fox News interview with filmmaker Ami Horowitz talking about crime in Sweden - and to be fair to Trump, it's a rare Fox News story indeed that mentions crime without also implying that it's because of migrants who are terrorists.
Trump notoriously absorbs huge amounts of the absolutely unbiased Fox News every day, because presidents of the US typically have a lot of downtime during their day when they can just kick back and watch the tube. That's why being president is always referred to as "the most relaxing job in the world".
However, this obviously can't be the case either because that would imply that Trump makes stupid, easy mistakes because he's as sloppy with his media comprehension as he is with his cabinet picks, his syntax and tying his ties.
So we're left with the only explanation that makes sense: that on Friday night Sweden was subject to a terrorist attack so insidious and catastrophic that no one - not the media, not the people of Sweden, not the very fabric of reality itself - can bring itself to accept.
How can we make the leap that Trump did? First up, we need to plumb Trump's rich depth of knowledge about foreign countries and his sophisticated insights into the subtleties of international geopolitics. We must, in short, think like Trump and bring all the wisdom of that icily brilliant intellect to bear.
So: as Trump will tell you, Sweden is a bigly country bordered by Finland, England, Iceland, Europe and New Zealand.
It has a population of 10 million translucent people, each of whom has an average of 2.4 Volvos and wears white jumpsuits. It is a constitutional monarchy ruled by a Dancing Queen who feels the beat from the tambourine, oh yeah, and their television is nothing but incomprehensible cooking shows.
It suffers from a cripplingly high level of taxation and public spending, which has ruined the nation with its creeping socialism. So gutted has Sweden become that it is barely the seventh richest country in the world on a GDP per capita basis, languishing ahead of the US's far superior 10th spot. Maybe that horrifying poverty is why Sweden hasn't even been in a war since 1814, the pussies.
Sweden's main exports are herrings, Swedes, elves and fjords, and their military is made up entirely of Valkyries. And this is why they have been woefully unable to stop the attacks on their freedoms by roving bands of Vikings from the north and Moomintrolls from the east.
But that's not the tragedy which befell the plucky little future Russian satellite republic. What Trump knows, and what the lamestream media are so shamefully ignoring, is that on Friday night Ragnarök began in Sweden.
This might sound melodramatic, but as every scholar of Norse mythology knows - at least, the ones who pre-paid for that elective at Trump University - this marks the horrific End of the Days in which Norse gods including Odin, Loki, Chris Hemsworth, Scarlett Johansson and Ant-Man do final battle before being eventually engulfed by the Kraken, at which point Vladimir Putin moves in his forces for … let's say "peacekeeping".
Tragically, however, not even the sequin-festooned people of Sweden will know of their fate, trapped as they are by the Tryckfrihetsförordningen, or Freedom of the Press Act, which ensures that government cannot interfere in the operation of the media. And we all know what letting media fearlessly operate without direct government oversight means: fake news!
So thank you, President Donald "Definitely Sane" Trump, for having the guts to once again take time out of what is evidently a pretty cruisy sort of an official schedule to yell fresh insights at the less discerning people of Florida.
After all, why should reality have a monopoly on truth? Sad!
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