Up until recently, to be anti-establishment you had to be in some way at least in part opposed to the establishment. But now that stuffy rule has been destroyed. This Christmas, the Queen will start her speech, 'This year, I for one have had just about enough of the establishment. Your la-di-da types can say what they like, and I can moan about immigrants whenever I fancy coz I’m a simple gal living in south London and I know what’s what'

Maybe they could make it even more fun by getting Muslims to report to the police every week and wear pretty little stars and all live cosily together in the same part of town. I’m pretty sure that’s never happened before

Hilary Benn will say, ‘I have raised this with Jeremy Corbyn, suggesting he starts with Dame Shirley Williams, but sadly have as yet received no reply’

Can't she just level with them and say: 'Look, I know I’m a creepy lying sleazebag who can’t be trusted. I know I backed the Iraq War, and make up so many lies I accidentally claimed I was under fire in Serbia when I meant to say I wandered across a car park – but come on'?

Whenever an elite is unjust, anywhere in the world, from South Africa to Chile to Saudi Arabia, it’s been the Conservative Party that has bravely fought them by selling them weapons and inviting their leaders to dinner

The plotters made an important point: that Corbyn must ‘reach out’. Instead of being divisive, as he was last time by offering them jobs in the shadow cabinet from which they resigned, he should let them pick their own jobs, and if they don’t fancy doing them one day, let them bring in games

‘We were more than willing to give him a chance,’ his opponents will say. ‘Indeed for the first 40 seconds some of us even nodded, but over the last minute our poll ratings have failed to improve so we have no choice’

The wonder of the internet, it was suggested, would be to take power from the old media and allow everyone an outlet for their views. We would all, in effect, own a newspaper

What a boost this approach would be for British business. Comet would never have gone bankrupt if anyone buying a washing machine handed over their money and was then told they wouldn’t be given a washing machine

Next week a press conference will be called because a Russian swimmer has been found to have blood that makes him 40 per cent human and 60 per cent jet-ski

The marvellous thing about privatisation is it introduces choice. If customers trying to get from East Grinstead to London aren’t happy with their rail service, they can choose to use a different rail network – such as the Trans-Siberian Express

It's right that Sarah Vine dictates the terms under which the next Prime Minister stands. After all, she was fairly elected to the important constitutional role of Michael Gove’s Wife

If, during Spain v Turkey at the Euros, the commentator had said, “That cross is cut out by the goalkeeper, who’s probably a commander of Isis and if the EU get their way will be living in Stoke by the end of the week, claiming it’s his human right to fire rocket-propelled grenades at your pot plants”, he’d have the PC brigade claiming this was “racist”

As for Boris, he speaks the people's Latin: 'Cameron? He can do one ad infinitum mate'

'Most of us feel like starting the day by fishing for herring in an area designated for those with a European license. Eventually, you can’t help but be sick of the EU telling you what to do'