Sad Affleck Fan

@aka_fatman

Your favourite babelavante (Avi courtesy of ) Infrequent contributer for

Melbourne, Australia
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Joined January 2011
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Tweets

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  1. Pinned Tweet
    3 Mar 2014

    [Interrogation Room] "You ready to spill the beans?" *I spill beans all over the Interrogation Room* *Cops beat me for a solid hour*

    361 retweets 888 likes
  2. Apr 29

    Work meeting Boss: it's come to my attention that someone has been eating out of the trash! Everyone, including his pet raccoon looks at me

    23 retweets 49 likes
  3. Apr 14

    Procrastination Level: Rated an app

    31 retweets 88 likes
  4. Mar 22

    (Me, totally not getting it at a modern art museum) Me: ahh yes, I get it

    52 retweets 102 likes
  5. Apr 14

    WOLF: I can't do this FEMALE WOLF: Just focus on me, babe. DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: The male penetrates the female WOLF: He's so creepy

    1,011 retweets 1,832 likes
  6. Apr 8

    I sure have a lot of responsibilities for a guy who gets all his napkins from Chipotle

    161 retweets 583 likes
  7. Apr 28

    [Emergency Room] MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc? DOCTOR *slurping on sucker*: We'll do what we can but he's lost a lot of candy

    221 retweets 437 likes
  8. Apr 17

    Designer for Tent Company: Make the bag big enough for the tent. Sadistic CEO for Tent Company: Nope. Just a bit smaller.

    275 retweets 581 likes
  9. Apr 30

    Kids, eat your vegetables. *reluctantly, they eat* [2 hrs later] *I eavesdrop on their convo* Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.

    27 retweets 55 likes
  10. Apr 4

    *repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him* I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.

    97 retweets 258 likes
  11. Apr 27

    Basketball was invented in 1578 when a strong wind blew an apple into an active volcano

    67 retweets 173 likes
  12. Apr 25

    I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?

    227 retweets 626 likes
  13. Apr 30

    "Can I smoke in your car?" You can spit in my mouth, too. Maybe punch me in the stomach. Throw up in my bedroom. Grate cheese in my coffin.

    124 retweets 278 likes
  14. Apr 30

    If you think hiring a duck prostitute is ridiculous, wait until you get the bill.

    40 retweets 104 likes
  15. Apr 8

    My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.

    79 retweets 169 likes
  16. Apr 21

    LITTLE MERMAID 2016: SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!! ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*

    232 retweets 574 likes
  17. Apr 10

    When life hands you a lemon just be like 'meh whatever'. Totally take life's majesty and gifts for granted. Fuck life.

    79 retweets 187 likes
  18. Apr 26

    Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy's head. Nice. I'll add blush in post.

    8:36 AM - 26 Apr 2016 · Details
    1,930 retweets 3,367 likes
  19. Apr 11

    Autocorrect just changed "hiatus" to "hi anus" on this email subject line to my boss, so i guess i don't work here anymore.

    292 retweets 663 likes
  20. Apr 20

    King Kong (1933): A creature is taken from its wilderness habitat & released into an urban sprawl. When it does not adapt well, it is killed

    161 retweets 350 likes
  21. Apr 7

    Me: Maybe I'm a pretty lovable person after all Self-loathing: Looks like someone forgot about her weird upper arms

    71 retweets 191 likes
  22. Apr 19

    *waits till lights dim in the movie theater* *Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*

    81 retweets 196 likes
  23. Apr 1

    MORPHEUS: April fools! NEO: ? M: There's no Matrix. N: What? M: You've been drugged, son. N: WTF M: We've been harvesting your organs.

    164 retweets 381 likes
  24. Apr 20

    ME:I see by the way you are admiring my steed, you have good taste. ZOOKEEPER:Sir, please get off the monkey. M:*to monkey* RUN, LIGHTNING!

    73 retweets 139 likes
  25. Apr 3

    April’s To-Do List: • National Poetry Month • Write a haiku—check.

    384 retweets 780 likes
  26. Apr 23

    [1985] TV EXEC: [grabs gummi bear from bowl on desk] THIS! Make THIS a show! ASST: But sir that’s a cand— EXEC: [snorting more coke] NOW!

    238 retweets 487 likes
  27. Apr 24

    Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP Me: I'm woke Kids: How woke? Me: We're putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.

    909 retweets 1,766 likes
  28. Apr 28

    Me: You look sad, maybe I can cheer you up with 3 little words. Her: Me: Diplodocus, gubernatorial, squeegee. Her: Me: You look sadder.

    40 retweets 108 likes
  29. Mar 7

    Fudge the gosh darn environment -Not So Crude Oil

    93 retweets 179 likes
  30. 4 hours ago

    Send me your April tweets, folks!

    Me:...and if they like your tweets enough, they'll RT it or give it a fave. Amish Person: Your life seems bereft of real meaning, English.
    8 likes
  31. 9 Dec 2015

    [loudly so dad who's been depressed since mom left can hear] Oh no, my GPS broke! If only I had some good DRIVING DIRECTIONS *dad looks up*

    1,261 retweets 3,938 likes
  32. Mar 10

    Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me. *flips coin into ceiling fan, it's knocked out a window into the sea*

    390 retweets 910 likes
  33. Apr 30

    Me:...and if they like your tweets enough, they'll RT it or give it a fave. Amish Person: Your life seems bereft of real meaning, English.

    65 retweets 200 likes
  35. Apr 28

    Jokes on you, whoever dug a pit and covered it with leaves in the break room. I grabbed the bait donuts on the way down.

    29 retweets 108 likes
  36. In reply to
    Apr 28

    Whoa, ! is a genius.

    View conversation Hide conversation
    2 likes
  37. 2 Oct 2014

    My mind is the clown car of bad ideas.

    221 retweets 337 likes
  38. Apr 28

    *returning to old childhood home* Me: Boy, if these walls could talk, eh? Wall: Why do you always cry when you masturbate?

    14 retweets 36 likes
  39. 19 Jul 2014

    "Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?" "No Storm, we broke up. You could say she's my..." *lowers sunglasses* *eye beams obliterate Storm*

    6,944 retweets 9,770 likes
  40. Apr 27

    Bruce sips his drink in silence, the creaks in his mansion echoing. Although Alfred is behind him, he feels more alone than ever before.

    View conversation Hide conversation
    2 retweets 5 likes
  41. Apr 27

    "How did your evening crime-fighting go, sir?" asks Alfred. Bruce pours himself a whiskey, hands slightly shaking. "Where's Master Robin?"

    3 retweets 16 likes
  42. Apr 27

    Farmer gets rid of ghosts by turning a baseball field into a field of corn.

    20 retweets 52 likes
  43. Apr 27

    An archaeologist chases a giant stone ball into an ancient temple then swaps a gold statue for a bag of sand.

    4 retweets 9 likes
  44. Apr 27

    A slaughter is averted when a kindly Spartan pulls a messenger out of an enormous pit with his foot

    5 retweets 12 likes
  46. Mar 20

    JULIET: I will kiss thy lips; haply some poison yet doth hang on them! *kiss* ROMEO: (throwing his voice) Maybe there's poison on his dong?

    365 retweets 933 likes
  47. Apr 25

    [my fitness dvd] ME: *lifting cans of soup as weights* im using minestrone but you can use pretty much any kind

    383 retweets 972 likes
  48. Apr 25

    The drug wears off and for a brief moment before they give me another dose of Cynicism, I see the world as it really is: bright and hopeful.

    9 retweets 19 likes
  49. Apr 25

    [watches a man drive off a cliff] [gets in taxi] FOLLOW THAT CAR

    15 retweets 27 likes
  50. Apr 25

    i say keep seeing her, statistically the odds of her murdering a 9th time are very low

    This girl I'm seeing has had a string or murdered husbands. Eight mysterious deaths in as many years. Should I be worried?
    6 retweets 57 likes

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