I've had every kind of relationship with my body - well, mostly the kind that didn't work out. I didn't really appreciate the body I was given so I sabotaged it and treated it with disrespect.
I've starved it, tried putting it on rations ("fasting" it) for extended periods, made it swallow when it was full, taken things away, given them back forcefully, worked it too hard, berated it for not being good enough and tried to manipulate it into doing what I wanted - "if you just do what I want, then I'll like you".
Of course, I don't need to tell you that I'm not alone in this. Poor relationships with our bodies are rife - about 75 per cent of women want to change their body and as much as 80 per cent actively dislike the body they've been given.
Much like relationships with others, crappy relationships with ourselves don't discriminate and are not related to our worthiness.
Not even those whose bodies are revered - supermodels or the best athletes in the world - escape destructive, critical relationships with themselves. These are the kinds of relationships that the diet industry cash in on and perpetuate.
But we can bypass those who make money from our insecurities and heal our own relationship by starting with a little awareness. And a little tenderness.
Dietitian and co-founder of Body Positivity Australia, Fiona Sutherland suggests asking these questions:
- Am I nourishing myself well? Regularly throughout the day, with a variety of foods? Or am I still following food rules, eliminating certain foods/food groups and inviting the guilt monster in for a cup of English Breakfast?
- Am I staying away (as much as possible) from body critiquing conversations? Or am I participating? Is my environment helping me?
- Am I showing myself compassion when times are hard? Or laying the boot even more?
- Am I avoiding situations or events which might actually add meaning to my life because I'm afraid of being judged for my body?
- Do I have a good toolkit of self care strategies? Do I need a stocktake?
- Am I looking for acceptance or validation from others? Or am I able to give that to myself?
For my part, one thing I had not done much of, in my relationship with my body, was listen to it.
It's been good to me for 35 years. It has stood by, kept functioning like a trooper, kept trying to please me and be heard.
As this dawned on me, I started paying more attention to the kind of friend I was being; and I saw a bully.
It was a slow change in dynamic over five or 10 years. But it changed because I started having less tolerance with lousy friendship.
So slowly we developed a different kind of bond - the result of a back-and-forth over the years negotiating boundaries and comfort levels - that feels pretty good and pretty equal.
In our friendship, we indulge - because what friends don't do a little of that, and we are not nuns - but for the most part it is steeped in care and respect. It has boundaries that allow for flexibility and an ability to laugh at itself and its peculiarities and quirks. It doesn't just get listened to anymore because it's done or is doing what I want and I don't get to do anything to it that it's not complicit with.
It is a healthy relationship, but not restrictive. The difference? Sutherland again says you can delineate based on your answers to these questions:
- Am I eating this with the intention that this might/will support weight loss goals or pursuits? Or am I eating this because it helps support my overall health and wellbeing, is tasty, helps fuel my body (eg. for sport), provides some balance to a meal, looks amazing and most importantly, I enjoy it and feel satisfied by it?
- Am I prepared to be flexible if things are not as I would prefer?
- Am I just as prepared to say 'yes' as I am to say 'no'
- Am I eating from a place of attunement (to my body signals)?
My body and I still have our moments and sometimes we still don't get on so well. But I try to listen to it now, always. I try to make sure it knows that it doesn't need to change, it doesn't need to be perfect - I will love it without condition however it is and I will nourish it without condition however it is. And I let it know I will keep trying to do right by it as it has done right by me for so long.
And this is how I came to have the body that I always wanted - the relationship I always wanted, in the body that was already there.
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