Are you close to your kids? Your daughter in particular? Well, that's a recipe for disaster, says Michael Carr-Gregg, specialist in child and adolescent psychology. "All teenagers need to emancipate themselves from their parents. What we've discovered is that when they're very close, getting away becomes more difficult, especially for the girls, and to facilitate that she becomes far more challenging as a result."
We're at David Thompson's recently opened Long Chim, beside the Yarra. It's the first time the Australian chef has had a place in Melbourne and it's buzzing. Two sources warned me that the food is seriously hot, so we tell the waitress about our chilli tolerance – him, ultra mild, me, medium. Initially I plumped for the beef noodles and he the beef laksa but we swap when told one is hot, the other not so much.
![It is possible to survive nightmare teenagers – and to help them through their struggles, says psychologist Michael ...](/web/20170220224603im_/http://www.theage.com.au/content/dam/images/g/m/w/7/f/6/image.related.articleLeadwide.620x349.gucl9v.png/1487336637802.jpg)
"You are actually having lunch with the ultimate hypocrite because I don't have any girls," Carr-Gregg says. "I didn't do anything wrong in a former life; I had boys. I think boys are much simpler. [Girls'] verbal skills at 12 are the equivalent of a 17-year-old boy."
Well before my daughter was born, I was aware of the challenges of raising teenage girls. I went to an all-girls school and have two sisters, and I saw how much we tested our parents. Since starting Carr-Gregg's book, I've been keeping the cover hidden: Princess Bitchface 2.0 is not a character I want to flag with my kids. An updated version of one he published in 2006, the extra component (the 2.0) is about the additional challenges young girls face in the digital age, as well as how parents can manage them. Written with psychologist Elly Robinson, the subhead reads "Surviving adolescent girls".
![Michael Carr-Gregg: master of reinvention.](/web/20170220224603im_/http://www.theage.com.au/content/dam/images/g/u/c/h/b/y/image.related.articleLeadwide.620x349.gucl9v.png/1487336637802.jpg)
Lest all parents despair, Carr-Gregg is quick to point out most girls do not display this type of behaviour. "Seventy per cent of girls get up in the morning, brush their teeth, [are] perfectly respectful to their mother, really do enjoy school. It's just that 30 per cent ..."
The question is how do you manage Princess Bitchface – a term that came from a despairing mother describing her daughter – should she appear? "You've got to learn to communicate and you have to understand the psychology of the teenage girl," he says. In a nutshell, they're trying to understand three things, the first of which is am I normal. "When you've got this background of this digital colosseum of Instagram, where the battle of the selfies goes on all day, it's very difficult to see yourself as normal."
The second is who am I. And where am I going. "You can't answer the where am I going until you've figured out the who am I."
Communication is fundamentally important. "My number one issue is 'choose your battlegrounds'. We could light up Melbourne tonight with the amount of energy from mums and dads who are going to spend time screaming at their girls because they have a floordrobe. And it doesn't matter – no one has ever died of an untidy room. So shut the door and walk away."
![Carr-Gregg says keeping lines of communication open is key.](/web/20170220224603im_/http://www.theage.com.au/content/dam/images/g/u/c/h/c/i/image.related.articleLeadwide.620x349.gucl9v.png/1487336637802.jpg)
What we do need to worry about are the issues that relate to their safety. "So, sex, drugs and alcohol. Sleep, diet, exercise, curfews. That's the important stuff."
Number two, he argues, is to make sure you are the world expert on your child. "The thing that makes me cross about a lot of parenting books is the assumption that one size fits all and it doesn't so you've gotta be really cognisant of the personality, the temperament, the self-talk of the child.
![The beef laksa at Long Chim.](/web/20170220224603im_/http://www.theage.com.au/content/dam/images/g/u/c/h/d/c/image.related.articleLeadwide.620x349.gucl9v.png/1487336637802.jpg)
"If your child, at the age of three, dressed themselves as wonder woman and jumped off the roof, you know you've got a sensation seeker. You've got to keep an eye on that girl and you've got to parent in a way that's going to feed that adrenalin rush. Be the expert."
The third thing he suggests is encouraging your child to "find their spark", which Carr-Gregg says is that thing that gets them up in the morning. "Find something that your daughter really loves – it could be art or music or dance or drama or sport – and become an enthusiastic cheer squad for that. While girls are doing one thing they can't be doing another."
![The beef rice noodles at Long Chim.](/web/20170220224603im_/http://www.theage.com.au/content/dam/images/g/u/c/h/d/8/image.related.articleLeadwide.620x349.gucl9v.png/1487336637802.jpg)
The health and wellbeing of young girls is worse than ever before, reflected by the statistics. About one in eight young women aged 12-17 has been diagnosed with a mental disorder and the suicide rate for girls has doubled in the past decade.
One of the reasons girls are so much more vulnerable is due to developmental depression, where their physical development shoots ahead of their psychological development."You get these girls who walk into my office, they're quite tall, they're fully developed, hair and makeup done, the whole thing. And they're 12. What happens is the public relate to them as if they're 16 – when they've got a 12-year-old brain. You've got this disconnect."
![Receipt for lunch at Long Chim.](/web/20170220224603im_/http://www.theage.com.au/content/dam/images/g/u/c/l/e/j/image.related.articleLeadNarrow.300x0.gucl9v.png/1487336637802.jpg)
So does he think it's a trickier time for parents now? "It's much more difficult because of these different influences in their lives. There are so many voices in their ears, you've got to make yours the loudest and to do that in a way where you don't become shrill or repetitive or boring."
The son of a British diplomat, Carr-Gregg was born in Melbourne. He remembers writing to the MCG to request an honorary membership because he had the same initials. ("The arrogance of a 15- year-old") The family travelled the world to wherever his father was posted; his brother was born in Lahore and his sister in New York. While living in Sydney, he went to Sydney Grammar School; Malcolm Turnbull was head boy at the time.
When they were living in New Zealand, Carr-Gregg was diagnosed with a malignant carotid tumour in his neck. Aged 19, he was given about eight weeks to live. Thankfully, that proved incorrect – after treatment, he made a full recovery. The impact of this event on his life was enormous; he subsequently did his PhD on teenagers with cancer. "For four years I just sat on this teenage cancer ward, talking to teenagers as they lived and died."
From that experience came the idea for CanTeen, the charity he founded for kids with cancer, which he worked on for the next 10 years. He also met his wife, Therese, who was a child cancer nurse.
A master of reinvention, Carr-Gregg worked as a political lobbyist with then prime minister of New Zealand, Helen Clark, fighting Big Tobacco. "She's a hero of mine. We got up the toughest anti-tobacco legislation in the world."
In 1992, he moved his family to Melbourne and took a position at the Centre for Adolescent Health at the Children's Hospital. He became an academic, practised as a private psychologist, became a public speaker and worked regularly on the circuit. More recently, writing books and a media career have beckoned.
Two years ago, his beloved wife Therese had a stroke. They were heading out for dinner when his wife said she didn't feel well. She collapsed on the bed and 27 minutes later was at the hospital, where he was told she would die. She pulled through and is recovering well but it means he is far less keen to travel.
He and fellow psychologist Sabina Read host a radio program called Good Thinking, devoted to wellbeing, covering issues including relationships, health and happiness. "We're worried about the capacity of Australian adults and children to manage their wellbeing," he says. "I don't think they're good at sleep or at meditating and I think they're really bad at exercise."
It seems he has tapped into the zeitgeist; there is more awareness and talk about mindfulness than ever. His theory is that it's a natural progression. "We've kind of fixed up everyone's bathrooms and gardens and houses... now we also need to look at the inside," he says. "Also not to be so negative. Let's talk about the positives and the joy. There's so much negativity."
So do we all need therapy before we can parent effectively? He laughs, saying that as a member of the Australian Psychological Society he would absolutely recommend that everybody should go and have a chat. "There's this thing in psychology we call family of origin. And what you find is you are heavily influenced by that early experience and understanding how and why is so powerful, because you'll then know what you bring not only to your own parenting experience but also to your relationship."
The bill, please
Long Chim
Crown, 8 Whiteman St, Southbank; 8582 3083
Seven days Noon-2.30pm; Sun-Thurs 5.30pm-10pm; Fri-Sat 5.30pm-11pm